monday

work is hard. i want to cry.
this is much.
i'm overwhelmed by everything.

the offness of this last week

Little moments keep trying to pop up
touches I once cherished. closeness that once was mine.

Love I had built from the rubble. walls I had sat on.
places that had consoled me.

But now everything has been ripped out of the ground.
The bulbs are dead.

the emotional landscape blank.

The memories stolen out of my pockets.
havoc in my land it doesn't hurt

There is a new weight and it's not glory.

hallelujah for KickBoe

Wow, I just did kickboe. It is my first time in 08. I haven't gone since last year, as I hurt my foot in January. But my foot is softer now, it's so much better, I still can't believe it, It got this way after people prayed and it was healed and I released the guy that tore me up, and I released him, when I let him go and that whole thing go. i still get affected (duh) and today was a day of shadows around my knees. like walking in grass, feeling light memories around my knees.

Kickboe. Kickboe! I used to do kickboe twice a week religiously. it kept me sharp and unstressed. I can't tell you how good I feel right now. and landed.
and gushy. it was hard, all the lounges, my body was week but something so much remembered deep inside and wanted, wanted so badly to be pounding the punching the way we went. to be going and going in it.
to be leaning and kicking in so many holding agonizing ways. yes.

waking up

I woke up sad this morning.
I had a bad dream.

Since I've come home it's been hard,
I feel the grossness of it all in my throat.

Michigan

I have come home.

I spent my time eating carrots with ranch dip and watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and sitting around in Living Rooms and watching people remember. I came from a land of lightning and thunder storms, a land I vaguely remember from 88 my last time in a Michigan summer.  How cool to walk outside and it be raining and warm, raining suddenly hard.   I came from a land of mini-mall and sticky outdoors.

from my land of aunts and uncles and cousins and new kids.  of people with 2-story homes and garages and airconditioning.

flying into Michigan, there were so few lights, so few places or bridges or lights--no lights flooding, no scattered buildings.  blank plots.  I was laughing. "where are all the people at?"  And even driving around Michigan, so much space and trees and grass.  I missed the California Chaos.

 And when I drove to Indiana.  oh my gosh there is something missing that I have spattered all around me in California and driving to Indiana.  

I made it through with my ipod and U2 and David's Mix.

I want to run

I want to hide

I want to tear down the walls

That hold me inside

I want to reach out

And touch the flame

Where the streets have no name

I want to to feel sunlight on my face.  

Se that dust cloud disappear without a trace

I want to take shelter from the poision rain

Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name

We're still building

then burning down love, burning down love

And when I go there

i go there with you

(it's all I can do)

The cities a flood

And our love turns to rust

We're beaten and blown by the wind

Trampled into dust

I'll show you a place

High on a desert plain

Where the streets have no name   -U2

Coming home I've never been so excited to see San Jose, to see the crammed buildings and lights and big tall buildings to see the scramble of cars and happenings and goings.   I look around and I get the people, I get the clothes and the postures and the hats backwards and the guys with arms crossed and people walking.  I get my little neighborhood.  and the sun this morning!

cousins

i'm in michigan with family.  it is familiar, i remember coming here when I was little.  it is weirdly familiar, in  a gross and beautiful way.

I'm with Ruby, my favorite family.  she's my cousin-once removed.  

She is doing homework.  sort of.  and i'm helping her.  sort of