Here is a post that I saved as draft for much too long. but here it was, is.
this is awesome, the way you guys hold me up.
Today after Kick boe, or at the end when we gently stretch, after causing havoc with the tech beat, he played Ben Harper. It went "I'm blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed to be a witness."
And i am, i am so blessed to be a witness. i'm so blessed to have Christ in me. i'm so blessed to have you guys, and feel so knitted in this new way in the body. all this outpouring! and honoring! and throwing things up!
"the oatmeal is ready!" camille shouts. we are broke. we have oatmeal!
. . . Hallelujah, i found a cookie in the fridge (nonwheat for sensitive me) from last week. it was perfect, a little something something with the oatmeal.
i got in touch with my masculine and feminin side tonight. i did kick boe, which felt like it was kicking
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
getting the camel to drink
hanna said something that really struck me.
i feel so much where's she's at. she's going to VFC, though she's not a christian, she's being pulled her heart. i was going to VFC for 4 months before I believed. and churches / groups for years before that.
she's even around this black ministry, starting to work in oakland with them ovet the teen homicide issue. what a warrior she is! she's disgruntled by many valid christian issues.
but she wants it, she wants it so badly, but it's not there yet, its not confirmed. And nothing can force it. she said this:
I"m like a camel, and i've been led to the water. Everything you've all said and shown has gotten me to take myself to the water. but i can't drink. i don't know why i can't drink, but i can't drink, and you can't make me drink. you can lead a camel to the water but you can't make it drink the water."
She nailed it. and it's true, and you can share your testimony, and i did and brad did and even Gracey smiled and made little splats of drool-cute-baby affirmations, but you can't tell anyone how or direct them. you can give little advice, but somuch of it seems inappropriate, "just ask" or whatever else. the drink it's in their hands and mouths to take. oh blessed sister! i hold you up! and my blessed mom, she wants it so badly, she says to me so proud of me "maybe it will happen to me too someday" she goes to the FR's church, the gospel church in Marin here and there, and she claps and likes the songs, and shakes everyone's hands. and i just tell her to ask it in. i wish God would just come come come soon for all my girls.
so i ask you my bloggettes, how do you get the camel to drink?
i feel so much where's she's at. she's going to VFC, though she's not a christian, she's being pulled her heart. i was going to VFC for 4 months before I believed. and churches / groups for years before that.
she's even around this black ministry, starting to work in oakland with them ovet the teen homicide issue. what a warrior she is! she's disgruntled by many valid christian issues.
but she wants it, she wants it so badly, but it's not there yet, its not confirmed. And nothing can force it. she said this:
I"m like a camel, and i've been led to the water. Everything you've all said and shown has gotten me to take myself to the water. but i can't drink. i don't know why i can't drink, but i can't drink, and you can't make me drink. you can lead a camel to the water but you can't make it drink the water."
She nailed it. and it's true, and you can share your testimony, and i did and brad did and even Gracey smiled and made little splats of drool-cute-baby affirmations, but you can't tell anyone how or direct them. you can give little advice, but somuch of it seems inappropriate, "just ask" or whatever else. the drink it's in their hands and mouths to take. oh blessed sister! i hold you up! and my blessed mom, she wants it so badly, she says to me so proud of me "maybe it will happen to me too someday" she goes to the FR's church, the gospel church in Marin here and there, and she claps and likes the songs, and shakes everyone's hands. and i just tell her to ask it in. i wish God would just come come come soon for all my girls.
so i ask you my bloggettes, how do you get the camel to drink?
helping each other out
being a follower of Christ really enables you to help other people. Helping others IS the thrust of being a Christian. I can't think of any other spirituality that i know of that really makes such an effort to help people. When i went to school in Portland I used to go to a Buddhist group. We'd meet to sit, or meditate, for an hour everyweek. We'd sit and each week try to come a little closer to being "present" and quieting the mind. One was to notice when the mind wandered, and try to bring it back to the present room, the humming of the loud machine, or the temperature, or whatever one could concentrate on. it was empowering us to remain in ourselves, to get the mind in a rhythmic space where one let's say if one could concentrate on one's breath for long enough they would leave feeling much clearer. well, i don't know why i'm going off about this, i don't think i have the brain concentration right now to analyze this but i do want to say to a degree, this practice is really about being obsessed with oneself, yoga is similar to that, both are striving for one's own enlightnment, one's own healing. but we begin to feel sorry for ourselves, and we could spend a lifetime processing our wounds and opening our blockages or whatever. but how instant is the healing i've found in the Spirit. It just takes it all away and you don't have to process it. but back to helping others, we also are called to not dwell on ourselves, to get busy helping the needy and poor. this really strikes me.
I went to see Rob Brezny at Gateways speak. He is one of my favorite writers, his is an astrologer, he has a column in the metro, but what i like about his column is what he does is compose this megalittle operas, for each sign, these referrential sparky run-ons. that is less about astrolgy (though it is based in astrology and the themes for each sign) and more about these imaginative departures, propel us to be bold in our character. The rambunctious spirit of his words get me going like check below is an archive for Pisces:
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes," says "Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams. "Art is knowing which ones to keep." According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Pisces, August was your time to embody the first part of Adams' formula. During these past few weeks, I hope you gave yourself permission to unleash many fertile booboos. September, on the other hand, should be devoted to carrying out Adams' second proposal. Which of August's missteps might have marked the raw, imperfect appearance of ideas that will eventually turn out to be useful and brilliant?"
His writing reminds me of Tom Robbins.
So I went to see him at Gateways and I felt sick. He went on and on in his fiesty way making up this prayer using "om, hallelujah, more power to you!" over and over agian. and calling on the "goddess" in the Spiritual-political crappy way. the kind of person that says "oh my goddess" because they are all fed up with "the man" or whatever. i'm down to be political but let's give to Ceaser what is Ceaser people! your religion is not your God! anyway people were all praying somewhat seriously to his bs. and it's weird b/c they're praying, but they don't REALLY believe in that entity, it's almost like it's all a joke. or its all about having some sexy feminist-accessible depiction of God. they say "The Goddess" like they're so much smarter than you and it was all about being creative and rambunctious in whatever way you want b/c the goddess will bless you and give you whatever you want. it was a little too me-hungry mixed with "let's get those mean christians when there frigid rules!" and "just pray for whatever you want, you'll get it," i wanted to stand up and say "hey! what gives you the gold to bad mouth christians, do you know one christian?" i also found his eyes to be dark, like i couldn't see in them. like greyness, not in color but something else. and i kept thinking about what the JC says about people's eyes. i walked out within 9 minutes.
and i've been thinking about how self-obsessed all that is. I study astrology, i still study astrology, it is like a much more detailed psychology personalilty test. it tells one where in one area they may be bold or firey, and in another, tehy make have deep issues. but it's important for me not to get obsessed with it, and not to focus on myself. it helps me understand others, and have compassion for people. For instance there's this one girl in my class who has double scorpio and Leo, and shes verry abrasive and at times strikes me as immature, though she is a mother of four. she is obsessed with herself, and her wounds, and trama. she doesn't listen well, and i lose patience. but astrology helps me have more keen awareness for the type of person she is. she if triple fixed, that means definately stuck in her ways, intent on the way she does things, and leo, yikes don't get a leo upset. and then scorpios would hold on to things. it is this inexaustable layering of understanding the way people tick and move. now now
i want to say however that Christ, christ, is this Source., like he lets me really love her. i can understand her with the astro science, but he gives me the power of love. sorry is this too cheezy, like back to the future style?
really i find a bottomless well of love through jesus for the people that i wouldn't easily love. and i feel more strong with christians than any group before, like i can sense that i'm really sisters with these people. it IS really hardcore and tight being in the Body together.
I went to see Rob Brezny at Gateways speak. He is one of my favorite writers, his is an astrologer, he has a column in the metro, but what i like about his column is what he does is compose this megalittle operas, for each sign, these referrential sparky run-ons. that is less about astrolgy (though it is based in astrology and the themes for each sign) and more about these imaginative departures, propel us to be bold in our character. The rambunctious spirit of his words get me going like check below is an archive for Pisces:
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes," says "Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams. "Art is knowing which ones to keep." According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Pisces, August was your time to embody the first part of Adams' formula. During these past few weeks, I hope you gave yourself permission to unleash many fertile booboos. September, on the other hand, should be devoted to carrying out Adams' second proposal. Which of August's missteps might have marked the raw, imperfect appearance of ideas that will eventually turn out to be useful and brilliant?"
His writing reminds me of Tom Robbins.
So I went to see him at Gateways and I felt sick. He went on and on in his fiesty way making up this prayer using "om, hallelujah, more power to you!" over and over agian. and calling on the "goddess" in the Spiritual-political crappy way. the kind of person that says "oh my goddess" because they are all fed up with "the man" or whatever. i'm down to be political but let's give to Ceaser what is Ceaser people! your religion is not your God! anyway people were all praying somewhat seriously to his bs. and it's weird b/c they're praying, but they don't REALLY believe in that entity, it's almost like it's all a joke. or its all about having some sexy feminist-accessible depiction of God. they say "The Goddess" like they're so much smarter than you and it was all about being creative and rambunctious in whatever way you want b/c the goddess will bless you and give you whatever you want. it was a little too me-hungry mixed with "let's get those mean christians when there frigid rules!" and "just pray for whatever you want, you'll get it," i wanted to stand up and say "hey! what gives you the gold to bad mouth christians, do you know one christian?" i also found his eyes to be dark, like i couldn't see in them. like greyness, not in color but something else. and i kept thinking about what the JC says about people's eyes. i walked out within 9 minutes.
and i've been thinking about how self-obsessed all that is. I study astrology, i still study astrology, it is like a much more detailed psychology personalilty test. it tells one where in one area they may be bold or firey, and in another, tehy make have deep issues. but it's important for me not to get obsessed with it, and not to focus on myself. it helps me understand others, and have compassion for people. For instance there's this one girl in my class who has double scorpio and Leo, and shes verry abrasive and at times strikes me as immature, though she is a mother of four. she is obsessed with herself, and her wounds, and trama. she doesn't listen well, and i lose patience. but astrology helps me have more keen awareness for the type of person she is. she if triple fixed, that means definately stuck in her ways, intent on the way she does things, and leo, yikes don't get a leo upset. and then scorpios would hold on to things. it is this inexaustable layering of understanding the way people tick and move. now now
i want to say however that Christ, christ, is this Source., like he lets me really love her. i can understand her with the astro science, but he gives me the power of love. sorry is this too cheezy, like back to the future style?
really i find a bottomless well of love through jesus for the people that i wouldn't easily love. and i feel more strong with christians than any group before, like i can sense that i'm really sisters with these people. it IS really hardcore and tight being in the Body together.
aye
i just wrote a post a mile long and then the user asked for my password, and then the post was gone.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
i suck
here i goofed it all up. i was way emotional for that phone call , which i'm sure he didn't like. but was i so bad? i mean i had an edge, and i said many things, in fact i wasn't just upset or whiny or mad, you couldn't classify me as any of these things. i was in disbelief, i was in shock. but i created shock. i'm so lame, why am i so lame? some would say "if he were into you he would have called or called after the fact" but i don't think so , i think i could have just totally loosed up this fragile thing, i think i smashed it. i wrote the day that i flipped out, on my wall, on the cardboard on my wall where i write things. i wrote "I had to smash it." and that's what happened in that moment. i had to go head into this terrible feeling that feeling of being stranded and confront him. i read it all wrong to mean he was totally dissing me when he was just spaced out. which is still not a good thing, but it was way less Deliberate than i thought. it's hard for me to tell if this was a God thing or not. i mean, he had a lot of the specific things i had prayed for. i would have been so willing to check things out with him, to try with this person though he was a little rough around the edges, but that didn't scare me. i scared him away! oh no i'm such a freak.
i bet he thinks i was assuming all this belonging, i think i was just as skeptical as he was, its just that that whole not calling thing really rubbed me the wrong way this time, really insulted me. i have learned to do those things one is supposed to do and wait.
when i look back on my first post, i see that I wrote about how i liked that "he was so there, when i turn around he's just there." and i got this in presence reassurance and support and backing. why did that all go away, so far away in the week that stretched? he went from warm and surrounding to cold, out , peace. he probably just got all into his thing, his work mode in san mateo where he works. but to me it speaks what Carey said on "Sex and the City" it said to me, once again, "he's just not that into you." and i tell you, i'm used to that, and it kinda sucks. it's this saggy useless undesirable blah feeling.
And why am i not demanding someone who is capable of responding? i don't need a four day delay, the president already did that last week. i need someone who just checks in. who has some window of remembering. but maybe i was, in fact i'm sure i was way too hard on him.
i bet he thinks i was assuming all this belonging, i think i was just as skeptical as he was, its just that that whole not calling thing really rubbed me the wrong way this time, really insulted me. i have learned to do those things one is supposed to do and wait.
when i look back on my first post, i see that I wrote about how i liked that "he was so there, when i turn around he's just there." and i got this in presence reassurance and support and backing. why did that all go away, so far away in the week that stretched? he went from warm and surrounding to cold, out , peace. he probably just got all into his thing, his work mode in san mateo where he works. but to me it speaks what Carey said on "Sex and the City" it said to me, once again, "he's just not that into you." and i tell you, i'm used to that, and it kinda sucks. it's this saggy useless undesirable blah feeling.
And why am i not demanding someone who is capable of responding? i don't need a four day delay, the president already did that last week. i need someone who just checks in. who has some window of remembering. but maybe i was, in fact i'm sure i was way too hard on him.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
after my 219
after my 219 homegroup, i was hit by chapter 15. it talked about going all the way, even hating (rejecting) your parents, your sister, your brother. mostly for me it spoke to going all the way for Him. Bearing your cross. And it hit me, that's it. The D is not worth it on any scale, let him be a sacrifice for my Greatest Love. somewhere in that 48 hours of wooing and romance, i was already trying to figure out how to sort of fit him into an ok path for me, i was thinking of how he could soothe me in this way and that, i was explaining to myself that it was ok and would be healing. but now i realize that there is so much more to be exhilerated about when i give it to the true Man.
so i admitted to myself that there is a true need to really let nothing stop me. to create my life so i can be closest to the Lord. to not let them dampen that anywhere.
i'm still really sad about it all.
sometimes i feel like it's all my fault, and who knows, he may have been a cool guy, but i just goofed so badly the little delicate communication. but then part of me thinks if he really liked me he would let me rain/reighn a little bit and a man for me would insist on me!
especially he could have returned my call after i called him the second time rationally and calmly. or maybe i just seem like a freak to him. but hey i got fiesty, and that's part of me.
but as my roomie Tibi says "Rejection is God's protection." maybe.
so i admitted to myself that there is a true need to really let nothing stop me. to create my life so i can be closest to the Lord. to not let them dampen that anywhere.
i'm still really sad about it all.
sometimes i feel like it's all my fault, and who knows, he may have been a cool guy, but i just goofed so badly the little delicate communication. but then part of me thinks if he really liked me he would let me rain/reighn a little bit and a man for me would insist on me!
especially he could have returned my call after i called him the second time rationally and calmly. or maybe i just seem like a freak to him. but hey i got fiesty, and that's part of me.
but as my roomie Tibi says "Rejection is God's protection." maybe.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
so gang
so gang, i'm feeling a little clearer.
i don't think i'll ever hear from dude again. i'm sad. it's probably good thing, i saw so many red flags that i could have been a cheerleader. oh well, i feel like a blundered, but when i called him up (the D) i was real, i wasn't going to take any crap. and my freak out, it was my own, i owned it.
i'm losing my words, i'm so tired.
i did kickbo today, i can't believe i almost skipped it. as always it blasted me. i feel so much better. i love my instructor michael. he doesn't talk or explain or walk people through. he just pushes us. comon! comon! (but not in an annoying way, in the most empowering way) we'll be doing some 3 part sequence and then we'll go triple speed, and it's wild. we used weights today, my triceps hurt in the best way.
i've gotten good at the side kick., and holding my leg up, just holding it up to the side for like a minute, which is much more hardcore then you think. men never make it in the class. for some reason. i think they get intimidated. they can't do the multi-sequences. and michael just gets us to pow it, i mean he'll make us kick our left leg for 10 sets without switching, and then do it behind, and then go triple speed. i don't know why guys don't come. there are two guys that come, i really think its because they can't deal with the sequences though the moves are quite challenging.
so we take over, and he doesn't coy with us he just tells us to go. and the class goes off to this electro techno hardcore music, and I jab - hook - punch -kick jab hook punch kick back. then kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick, kick
i don't think i'll ever hear from dude again. i'm sad. it's probably good thing, i saw so many red flags that i could have been a cheerleader. oh well, i feel like a blundered, but when i called him up (the D) i was real, i wasn't going to take any crap. and my freak out, it was my own, i owned it.
i'm losing my words, i'm so tired.
i did kickbo today, i can't believe i almost skipped it. as always it blasted me. i feel so much better. i love my instructor michael. he doesn't talk or explain or walk people through. he just pushes us. comon! comon! (but not in an annoying way, in the most empowering way) we'll be doing some 3 part sequence and then we'll go triple speed, and it's wild. we used weights today, my triceps hurt in the best way.
i've gotten good at the side kick., and holding my leg up, just holding it up to the side for like a minute, which is much more hardcore then you think. men never make it in the class. for some reason. i think they get intimidated. they can't do the multi-sequences. and michael just gets us to pow it, i mean he'll make us kick our left leg for 10 sets without switching, and then do it behind, and then go triple speed. i don't know why guys don't come. there are two guys that come, i really think its because they can't deal with the sequences though the moves are quite challenging.
so we take over, and he doesn't coy with us he just tells us to go. and the class goes off to this electro techno hardcore music, and I jab - hook - punch -kick jab hook punch kick back. then kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick, kick
Sunday, September 11, 2005
oh man
why do I go like this? how could they lavish such affection on me and then refrain for over a week in calling me. i called the d, and blew up, i knew i shouldn't have. but i had to, i had to when i came home on friday and saw again the no message, i was shocked. i felt like i was slapped in my face. i flipped out. so, so instead of waiting, and then saying something coy, or saying something cool, or acting like i never noticed (anything to give me the slightest gain in the situation) no instead of anything like that, i had to call, to get control of the situation, so i called him in my disbelief, told him how i wanted to throw up, told him how dare he lie to me, all this. (I don't usually do this kind of move, but it just rubbed me so wrong this time.)
he just sat there in disbelief, saying typical guy stuff, like "what?" and i know from his end i must look totally psycho, freaking out b/c he didn't call me for two days, though he said we would go out this weekend, so i took his word, but then he tells me, "we never made plans." so he's sitting there on the phone and i knew i had gone too far. here i was just weighing all these actions like they were signals, or power trips, when really they were just some forgetful dude-acts. how uncaring. everyday that goes by i feel that "I don't care about you" thing setting in or "you're worthless" and i vasillate between actually feeling that way to just total disgust for this person, to "oh, i guess i should expect this, that this is the game?!"
I later called him and left a calm message on his machine explaining that i reacted strongly, that i think it was inconsiderate for him not to call when he said he would call, but that the way i reacted was my stuff. He never returned my call, he probably will never call me. that would make me sad. but common', i'm not asking for much, just a call, at some point. i shouldn't have to be made to feel so unsure about anywhere we're at. i shouldn't have to sit here for plus seven days picking my nose and thinking i'm completely unnnecessary. and it blows my mind b/c he was just so serving me last weekend. he was on my beacon call, like i couldn't handle it. he was so there for me. and now he is out of range.
i still think that to anyone it would be a disrespect to do that, especially being that he was so into me last weekend, he lavished such affection and support. he seemed so down.
now he is showing that he's just not that into me. i abhor this message. i am tired of it. i get it all the time from people. i am losing patience. i want someone who is stoked for me. who shows up.
and gosh, who can blame me, that affection and sweetness reached me so deeply last weekend. all these banners lifted and i felt so doted on. i mean i kept my edge and my eye open but we got so into each other. . . .
???
he just sat there in disbelief, saying typical guy stuff, like "what?" and i know from his end i must look totally psycho, freaking out b/c he didn't call me for two days, though he said we would go out this weekend, so i took his word, but then he tells me, "we never made plans." so he's sitting there on the phone and i knew i had gone too far. here i was just weighing all these actions like they were signals, or power trips, when really they were just some forgetful dude-acts. how uncaring. everyday that goes by i feel that "I don't care about you" thing setting in or "you're worthless" and i vasillate between actually feeling that way to just total disgust for this person, to "oh, i guess i should expect this, that this is the game?!"
I later called him and left a calm message on his machine explaining that i reacted strongly, that i think it was inconsiderate for him not to call when he said he would call, but that the way i reacted was my stuff. He never returned my call, he probably will never call me. that would make me sad. but common', i'm not asking for much, just a call, at some point. i shouldn't have to be made to feel so unsure about anywhere we're at. i shouldn't have to sit here for plus seven days picking my nose and thinking i'm completely unnnecessary. and it blows my mind b/c he was just so serving me last weekend. he was on my beacon call, like i couldn't handle it. he was so there for me. and now he is out of range.
i still think that to anyone it would be a disrespect to do that, especially being that he was so into me last weekend, he lavished such affection and support. he seemed so down.
now he is showing that he's just not that into me. i abhor this message. i am tired of it. i get it all the time from people. i am losing patience. i want someone who is stoked for me. who shows up.
and gosh, who can blame me, that affection and sweetness reached me so deeply last weekend. all these banners lifted and i felt so doted on. i mean i kept my edge and my eye open but we got so into each other. . . .
???
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
hardly
look at me, am i this pathetic or loserish? no! no! i declare, why do i get so suddenly. so easily, fixed upon this person, why is their noncalling so consequential. am i made up of them? no not at all. do they get to me deeply yet? no, so why do i pretend? its like i make the deep for them. i'm pathetic. the disconcerning thing to me is how easily someone (here somebody I hardly know) can wreck such havoc upon me--can leave me feeling so incapable)
i'm worse than a charles schulz comic. see how this seizes me, these feelings of possible love and all that.
i'm done now.
i'm worse than a charles schulz comic. see how this seizes me, these feelings of possible love and all that.
i'm done now.
Of course
Of course this dude has not called, though i called him up, feeling high and mighty and brave this afternoon, and lighthearted even, i guess i felt capable. so i called, he called back on his way home from work, said he'd call me up tonight. so he hasn't and i had the feeling he wouldn't. . . and why do i feel so lame? i don't care, i'm pissed, and i don't like being on hold, and maybe i'm taking things much too hard, but that's my experience and gut. this is all a devicive player thing and i 'm over it. i don't like being on hold. am i comprimising myself? or am i just psycho?
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
the simmer
Now is like the eye of a storm. all has gotten quiet. i feel like i'm in a whole new land: a whole new arena.
The waiting. This feeling of being stranded.
It's hard for me because it's my nature to be daring, to show-up, to shake a person up, to call this person up and hang, but i'm not supposed to at this juncture. but i can't. i feel so disabled. But i know how easy it is for a gal to register as easy or available or readily taken. so i'm gonna stay kaputt.
I've been so ready, and i think it's apparant when i'm around this person, that i'm willing to step up. so i'm trying to step back. He seems sobering to me, for me. what i like is that he seems so ready, how i turn around and he's there.
i want this so bad that my heart aches. (sorry for the mush).
any advice on how a gal can stay powered, it's gotta be more than "just stay busy." how can a gal keep?
I feel the need to share a poem with you, my bloggettes.
I wrote this poem back in 2003 for my next love, my ultimate love. this poem is very me. i like this poem a lot, and when i was writing it, it just came out. it's about the only poem that just came out without my editing, reediting, reconstructing, stripping down, clarifying, verifying, returning to the theme, massaging, or giving any more clues to my readers. like it existed somwhere, and it came out like it's own thing. it's my testimony. it's been ready. This is how it goes:
I am the Conductor Here
If you want
to reassure me
then get on my train.
I'll Conduct symphonies
of you through my smokestacks
if you can holler,
and the mountains
will get it.
I will take you the long way there.
Just begin where I am bashful--
the long tunnels I go under,
close your eyes with me.
I will show you my invincible hands,
We will be pleading to each other,
and it will go something like
the train-tracks' thunder.
The waiting. This feeling of being stranded.
It's hard for me because it's my nature to be daring, to show-up, to shake a person up, to call this person up and hang, but i'm not supposed to at this juncture. but i can't. i feel so disabled. But i know how easy it is for a gal to register as easy or available or readily taken. so i'm gonna stay kaputt.
I've been so ready, and i think it's apparant when i'm around this person, that i'm willing to step up. so i'm trying to step back. He seems sobering to me, for me. what i like is that he seems so ready, how i turn around and he's there.
i want this so bad that my heart aches. (sorry for the mush).
any advice on how a gal can stay powered, it's gotta be more than "just stay busy." how can a gal keep?
I feel the need to share a poem with you, my bloggettes.
I wrote this poem back in 2003 for my next love, my ultimate love. this poem is very me. i like this poem a lot, and when i was writing it, it just came out. it's about the only poem that just came out without my editing, reediting, reconstructing, stripping down, clarifying, verifying, returning to the theme, massaging, or giving any more clues to my readers. like it existed somwhere, and it came out like it's own thing. it's my testimony. it's been ready. This is how it goes:
I am the Conductor Here
If you want
to reassure me
then get on my train.
I'll Conduct symphonies
of you through my smokestacks
if you can holler,
and the mountains
will get it.
I will take you the long way there.
Just begin where I am bashful--
the long tunnels I go under,
close your eyes with me.
I will show you my invincible hands,
We will be pleading to each other,
and it will go something like
the train-tracks' thunder.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Saturday, September 03, 2005
from San Francisco
Title: From San Francisco
Story: I'm in the San Francisco. I'm over going out and everywhere we went was dissapointing, tru that we went to the same section, the section we always go to: the Mission and 19th, Valencia and 23rd. went to the beauty bar again where they have the remnants of a beauty salon complete with the hair blow dryers and sometimes people doing nails on little desks in the corners. they always have great 80s music and a packed crowd. but last night i was over it, we always go there. besides this whole day i was grumpy. this morning i was grumby and my friend from LA Ambra and I went out to take these German girls around, we just met them ourselves but staying with my friend Sumi's landlady, so we offered it. i was proud to be the tour guide, i had my hand on which bus to take, which hill to climb which corner to turn. we went across the mission through noe valley hopped on the 24 and got off at castro last morning. amber wanted a bloody mary. we stopped at a gay bar in the castro with fabulous wood details and had bloody marys. i was still in a bad mood. we went back to the bus stop and i mention my sore state to ambra. "Snap out of it!" she commands. "no way!" I love this girl. she starts laughing. "Close your eyes." she instructs me. "No way!" i refuse again. I wanted to be left alone in my, my --whateverness. "fine." i finally concur. I close my eyes, under the little bus stop at the heaight. open my eyes a sec later and Ambra's boob is 1 inch from my eye -- i mean her tit was right in my face! i bust out laughing, she's such a soldier for me. Girl does that in the middle of the haight right in my face. i got up and shouted and busted out. that's how she goes she does what she wants and has no time to get all pouty like i do and bummed out. well, needless to say i felt much better for a time after that. the rest of the day included an overkill on haight i didn't buy anything bu ti looked at too many things and just wanted to crawl away by the end. i found myself judging these girls we were with yesterday from Germany and one was from North Carolina. i really don't like myself when i do that. i' was judging thm for their rich apparal. then i was getting depressed. then i was feeling awful about myself. then i was judging them to be shallow, then i didn't want to be around them b/cc they didn't know me and i not them, and i was feeling all weird how much we weren't invested in each other. then i felt alone. then i missed Sumi (who was at work) then i hated myself. then i felt cool b/c i knew where to go. then i felt sad, then i felt incapable, then i felt dishelved b/c i was no where near as fabulous as they were, then they went on and on about Diesel jeans and complaining about how small they run, and gosh, it just went on and on. Todyay Sumi and I are going to go to a different section, we're going to try lower Sf by SF state. i love how willing we are with eaach other, i mean willing to be there for each other, and flexible to do what the other needs. we are very honest and like to talk and talk and analyze what are problems are or why we are fixated in others the way we are, and continally discover what it is we need to work on and how we need to get over boys, and how it's all like a 6th grade mentality, and then we realize all the internal places we fold, and where we need to be strong, we realize where we are vulnerable. but then we simultaneously get all depressed about it. our affirmations there hard to get under our bones and we come back to the same lapses.
Story: I'm in the San Francisco. I'm over going out and everywhere we went was dissapointing, tru that we went to the same section, the section we always go to: the Mission and 19th, Valencia and 23rd. went to the beauty bar again where they have the remnants of a beauty salon complete with the hair blow dryers and sometimes people doing nails on little desks in the corners. they always have great 80s music and a packed crowd. but last night i was over it, we always go there. besides this whole day i was grumpy. this morning i was grumby and my friend from LA Ambra and I went out to take these German girls around, we just met them ourselves but staying with my friend Sumi's landlady, so we offered it. i was proud to be the tour guide, i had my hand on which bus to take, which hill to climb which corner to turn. we went across the mission through noe valley hopped on the 24 and got off at castro last morning. amber wanted a bloody mary. we stopped at a gay bar in the castro with fabulous wood details and had bloody marys. i was still in a bad mood. we went back to the bus stop and i mention my sore state to ambra. "Snap out of it!" she commands. "no way!" I love this girl. she starts laughing. "Close your eyes." she instructs me. "No way!" i refuse again. I wanted to be left alone in my, my --whateverness. "fine." i finally concur. I close my eyes, under the little bus stop at the heaight. open my eyes a sec later and Ambra's boob is 1 inch from my eye -- i mean her tit was right in my face! i bust out laughing, she's such a soldier for me. Girl does that in the middle of the haight right in my face. i got up and shouted and busted out. that's how she goes she does what she wants and has no time to get all pouty like i do and bummed out. well, needless to say i felt much better for a time after that. the rest of the day included an overkill on haight i didn't buy anything bu ti looked at too many things and just wanted to crawl away by the end. i found myself judging these girls we were with yesterday from Germany and one was from North Carolina. i really don't like myself when i do that. i' was judging thm for their rich apparal. then i was getting depressed. then i was feeling awful about myself. then i was judging them to be shallow, then i didn't want to be around them b/cc they didn't know me and i not them, and i was feeling all weird how much we weren't invested in each other. then i felt alone. then i missed Sumi (who was at work) then i hated myself. then i felt cool b/c i knew where to go. then i felt sad, then i felt incapable, then i felt dishelved b/c i was no where near as fabulous as they were, then they went on and on about Diesel jeans and complaining about how small they run, and gosh, it just went on and on. Todyay Sumi and I are going to go to a different section, we're going to try lower Sf by SF state. i love how willing we are with eaach other, i mean willing to be there for each other, and flexible to do what the other needs. we are very honest and like to talk and talk and analyze what are problems are or why we are fixated in others the way we are, and continally discover what it is we need to work on and how we need to get over boys, and how it's all like a 6th grade mentality, and then we realize all the internal places we fold, and where we need to be strong, we realize where we are vulnerable. but then we simultaneously get all depressed about it. our affirmations there hard to get under our bones and we come back to the same lapses.
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