How kind are you Lord
i just watched my Baptism Tape for the first time with Erin. I saw myself, and on the bottom of the screen in sepia could see my family holding me afterwards. How much I could cry for this. how much the whole sermon was for me, it was so spunky with a School of Rock clippings, and the rock band. How annointed was the singing and the woman on the piano she led and she was so in awe of the spirit. she spoke of being authentic, how we get to come authentically. I got to watch the faces, and even the NB next to me his eyes went up and he was taken too, and then looking beamingly, or nodding when i said the capital M part, like "oh yeah." like this is so good. he was happy. i looked happy when i stopped speaking. i was shaky when i spoke in a way i liked watching. my words sounded scratchy like the theme of all i said concerning my sore space i came from of incapablity, my voice was like that. so i think that was all part of it.
and i could see my mother's back when everyone circled me, she was leaning in, that shape i know so well, and my sister holding me behind. everyone so given to me. everyone so taken in the spirit, it was so much love that night i could hardly hold it, i could hardly feel it all. everyone was brought there. my heart was so happy.
i am so thankful and i'm somber right now to hold this, to hold this night again and say wow, this is real, here i started, i think that night was really made by god. even in the details that the tape got my family, In the perfect place. i can see them too watching now.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
The women in the Bible (Truly!)
Dorothy Sayers puts it well with her reflection onhow women are portrayed in the bible. and this is very true. my
whoamans check this out:
"Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never know a man like this Man--there never has been such another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them as "The women, God help us!" or "The ladies, God bless them!"; who rebuked with querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unselfconscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of jesus that there was anything "funny" about woman's nature."
Praise!
whoamans check this out:
"Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never know a man like this Man--there never has been such another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them as "The women, God help us!" or "The ladies, God bless them!"; who rebuked with querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unselfconscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of jesus that there was anything "funny" about woman's nature."
Praise!
Saturday, August 13, 2005
next up
i'm putting on the next song, female dj represent, it's "getting hot in here" nelly. here we go.. . . .
whoa. . . . . Aaron is playing a Mash-up he constructeed. .. he mixed 50 cent with Dianna Ross's "Upside down, boy you turn me" It's Dope!
whoa. . . . . Aaron is playing a Mash-up he constructeed. .. he mixed 50 cent with Dianna Ross's "Upside down, boy you turn me" It's Dope!
it's 3 am.
it's 3 am, Aaron, why did you just play "I will survive?" we are damcing in the back house of 327 market with anu and aaron, and aaron is playing cheezy , ok it just got better, back street boys,. . . . . . .gotta danc4e. . ... back, we went to a dive bar called callahans just a few blocks, this is a dive bar, equipped with aerosmith and ACDC and "California knows how to party" i went in the bathroom and the bartender was there too and I said "up or down?" reffering to my hair, and she said, just part it to the side. so I did, and my hair swooped lopsided to the right which was oh so sexy.
Now "She's a brick house" is playing. OK! At Callahans there was pool with race-car-shaded lamps, there was cigarrette smoking, and 3 lemon-drops later plus one margarita i was still at it. for some reason the pair of guys with us each kept getting rounds of lemon drops. the lady bartender, who is awesome, so down, yet with a princess crown, no nonsense (simulatanously--this is my kind of whoaman!) she said, baffled to their lemon drop request made by the fellas, said "OK, i'll make you manly lemondrops." so she made put the lemondrops in somewhat more sturdy cups, so i guess they became more manly. all i know is i'm djing somewhat with my neighbors, my DJ friend Aaron, then Anu my homegirl, with limewire which is the best i can do, no turntables for now, no KZSC, but this is awesome, we're dancing, i'm with Anu my homegirl, in the backpart of 327, wife of Aaron, she wears the pants in the family, we bond. she tells it like it is. i guess that's what i'm doing right now. telling ya'll like it is. so at callahans were motorbikers and girls with tall hair, what a scene. now ghetto hiphop songs i'm 15 again. . . . dopo.
Now "She's a brick house" is playing. OK! At Callahans there was pool with race-car-shaded lamps, there was cigarrette smoking, and 3 lemon-drops later plus one margarita i was still at it. for some reason the pair of guys with us each kept getting rounds of lemon drops. the lady bartender, who is awesome, so down, yet with a princess crown, no nonsense (simulatanously--this is my kind of whoaman!) she said, baffled to their lemon drop request made by the fellas, said "OK, i'll make you manly lemondrops." so she made put the lemondrops in somewhat more sturdy cups, so i guess they became more manly. all i know is i'm djing somewhat with my neighbors, my DJ friend Aaron, then Anu my homegirl, with limewire which is the best i can do, no turntables for now, no KZSC, but this is awesome, we're dancing, i'm with Anu my homegirl, in the backpart of 327, wife of Aaron, she wears the pants in the family, we bond. she tells it like it is. i guess that's what i'm doing right now. telling ya'll like it is. so at callahans were motorbikers and girls with tall hair, what a scene. now ghetto hiphop songs i'm 15 again. . . . dopo.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Done.
I was sitting in the Fairfix cafe in Fairfax with my Godma. And I had a blessed moment. I was telling her about the X, I poured to her the shame of the last relationship, and the destruction, (it lingers and comes and goes) but this time i didn't feel the scarry stuff in my back,
only this time a Little Girl came right up to me at the couch at Fairfix. She came boldly around the coffee table that tucked us off to the side. She came right up to me. I turned and she was just standing there blinking at me. She was so present. She was a little one, could hardly walk, she was standing there jsut staring at me, her eyes prominent, almost blazing, somewhat curious, but knowing, that was her stance, like she was fully allowed, like she was telling me, "yes yes you are healed. you are absolutely healed, you are like me, you are like me now. I know." IT was almost like God Himself was trotting up to us, running up to us. She went back to her Dad, then came back just a minute later, as if to say r"eally, really you are OK". her stance was like here I am and sweetly there. As if to say, "It is all over," "YOu are healed" Thankyou Lord for taking away the process, to the steps and steps of observing and dealing, to the mostly there, somewhat there, to all that processing. I don't have to process that anymore, or relate to it. I'm dead to it.
I'm dead to that kind of evil in my life. God told me I'm done. [with that], and I can just be glad, and i don't have to figure it out anymore or make myself somehow "stronger than that" or "clear" It took my Godma to tell me to really look in my face and tell me so knowingly and clearly and surely that I'm healed and then it hit me.
only this time a Little Girl came right up to me at the couch at Fairfix. She came boldly around the coffee table that tucked us off to the side. She came right up to me. I turned and she was just standing there blinking at me. She was so present. She was a little one, could hardly walk, she was standing there jsut staring at me, her eyes prominent, almost blazing, somewhat curious, but knowing, that was her stance, like she was fully allowed, like she was telling me, "yes yes you are healed. you are absolutely healed, you are like me, you are like me now. I know." IT was almost like God Himself was trotting up to us, running up to us. She went back to her Dad, then came back just a minute later, as if to say r"eally, really you are OK". her stance was like here I am and sweetly there. As if to say, "It is all over," "YOu are healed" Thankyou Lord for taking away the process, to the steps and steps of observing and dealing, to the mostly there, somewhat there, to all that processing. I don't have to process that anymore, or relate to it. I'm dead to it.
I'm dead to that kind of evil in my life. God told me I'm done. [with that], and I can just be glad, and i don't have to figure it out anymore or make myself somehow "stronger than that" or "clear" It took my Godma to tell me to really look in my face and tell me so knowingly and clearly and surely that I'm healed and then it hit me.
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