tonight watching the debates

tonight i watched the Democratic Presidential Debates at Bad Ass Coffee, since I don't have TV, I shared the couch with a couple of people who I think maybe live on the street, people who were more there to be out of the rain I think. We all got into it and I stood up a couple of times for a candidate I was less for before tonight.

There was a man playing the guitar and it was really hitting me, he was really good but I kept trying to tune him out so I could hear the back and forth from Clinton and Obama.

I got a piece of beef jerkey to hold me, as i ran from after work to watch it.

It was pouring outside. A man who volunteers for the Monterey Voting whoevers told me that they have more absantee ballots then ever before, already 50,000--when usually they get 35-40,000 top. He was very humble in spirit. He kept saying "They are so smart. They are both so smart." He saw Hilary in Salinas the week before, he said she had just so much energy. "She's like a force, you can't see it at all on the TV."
I just think it's so fascinating, this race. I love how much people are getting riled up. And how it seems none of us know what to expect.

Hilary kept nodding.
I realized, "wow, something is different about this." and it seemed to me, in the way the women do, like to be this kind of relating this. I think it's a talent we women got (i'm not trying to generalize but im speaking to a rhythm I see so hope you flow with me in this thought)....this talent for relating things, relaying things. So i dunno, but i just noticed it. she kept nodding, as if to say to Obama "I feel you." i liked it. it almost seemed to weaken her to me. but then i stood back and saw her giving him grace in this way, find chords with him.....i just found it to be interesting. i noticed it as different. feel free to comment...

taken away

like the whole patch is gone. all the wonderfulness.
I walked back and forth in the rain downtown today for work, i wanted to call him because that is what i used to do when i strolled....all the ways we worked on it, and made it, and came pressed and in better places. all the forgiveness and loving and praying....what is the point now? everything suddenly ended and stripped.
there is nothing to share! what?

today i am remembering.

there is still solace, and i feel allowed to be who i am again ..... and all the anxiety as stopped, but all the piles and mounds of wonderfulness and coming through for each other and building things together, even if we did smash each other's logo-lands down over and over again. we still liked rebuilding and playing and conquering each other. what do we throw away all each other's logos?

this was 3 am

I miss him.

cutting me off

I was visiting a client, talking to his partner/his wife, looking at the potential of running their ads for their upcoming art show. I was reccommending he run in February. I was just trying to explain it, work with them. He came from the back and cut me off, in this almost upset way. We ARE NOT going to place an ad, shooing me out. After I had gone around and looked at their cards like I always do and had told his wife how much i love their store, their cards, I had looked at all the beautiful trinkets.
I got in my car and just starting crying.

I'm tired of being so open with people, of putting myself out there as much. of trying to make things work. My trying to always be bright about it, and hopeful, and happy. of being NIce.
That reallp overwhelmed me today, I do so much of that kind of peacemaking, of negotiating. of "finding a possible solution" of being optimist.
i'm tired. I feel like I did that so much with C. open my heart and hold everything in this nice and positive way. and so many times it was like being shut out, of hitting this deeper displeasedness, this place subtley volatile, or not ok with me. and trying to find common space and smoothing the land, and trying to open the heavy gates alone. i want to be small right now.

I saw Cliff yesterday

It had been a week and we met at Fins to give our stuff back, to say goodbye.
A day where we were soft with each other.
The cacophonus noises were gone and the dense blankness was lifted. Where it was simply me and simply Cliff and simple love pouring inside each of us mutely. love and want and done and gone starting sentences and not finishing.

Cliff with small heaves saying word by word slowly. The Cleft of betrayal and bitterness on his chest--all over him. In his hands and what to do with it?

I kept bursting out in tears
trying to cup all the wound of it and lost love in my hands
“tell me, tell me.”
saying “I’m sorry” placing it there.

We had the long hug and another, and it was so familiar and good. good. Walking away wondering if we had dug in too much. but that is where we were at. in letting go. in still loving each other.

Lord come past me and before me.

Friday

Swelling and sadness.
everything sailed away.

What do I do with these tassels?
with everything I confided in him.

Lord you are the one in Love that can't be rendered.
You are the one in love that can't come to fruition.
You are the one in love that is broken.
You take all my sorrows. will you take my sorrows.

and what about the everything that can come back?

Give me something to mend.

I feel so helpless right now. there's nothing i can do to make things better...

the flowers

the flowers I gave Cliff on Friday are in full bloom now. They are so beautiful. they are this electric kind of pink. In the same way, my love for Cliff is in full bloom. Such a pure love has bloomed. Without all the crap and the expectations and the stuff, i sit here with joy for all he gave me. I am drinking the theraflu he got me when I was sick when we first got back together. I know why I loved him, and love him. It comes so good now without all the sickness.

Everything is different and it is so surreal, he won't talk to me and told me not to write him when i emailed him. ok.... he needs space. I am so scared for what he feels of me.

i am having so much feeling of unworth and my fault.
I was spiraling down yesterday....

it's better after i talked with my God Mom, i'm better and there's light. it's like a big oar we found Psalm 17 together, it is bringing me back to light and remembering I am the daughter of the Lord.

I am so sad for how things got messy. I think we were both forcing it. I remembering knowing weeks ago that I wasn't completely aligned in the light.

like works I was trying, I was trying.
He is totally gone and it is so weird.
I wish we hadn't skirted out the truth.

awful awful....

B just called and I prayed with her. i want to go back to you Lord with my thoughts.
I am remembering how in my Genesis class tonight the teacher broke down crying when he was talking about the yokes in these families.

and that it's true: we inherit yokes passed down through our families. We can't see them, they are behing our necks, and they control what we see, where we go, and what we believe. But we can break the yokes off. we can get to a point when we're so sick and and as disbled as we are we can take the yoke off.

I believe I have a yoke i want the Lord to show me.


....and I still don't know what to do with my love. these roses that are full blossomed and so pretty on the table.....where do i go, where do i rest my love for cliff? where do i send it?

and i feel so helpless right now because he's in all this pain and yet i caused it and i can't do anything and i feel helpless. and he's taken away.


We are given yokes but we are a

to my 07

the wonderful places that warmed me.

LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in--behind and before;

you have laid your hand on me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

if I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am wonderfully and fearfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

When I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139

today

I wish we could have rode each other like horses.  i wish we could get up and spur each other, let's go and ride.  i wish for the marvelous path. the very going path. i wish we had been able to bolt together.   to sustain.

it's like i don't even care about anything today.  

all the caring between us.  and all the preciousness. what to do with it?  not having to make anything of it anymore. oh gosh.  they are tied around my wrists. and they are good.  and how do i not wear it?  the very dear pieces.

i also do feel like i'm above water again. like i'm not sinking.  i also know and remember that with the wonderfulness, there was also the battle, and we both wore it.  the struck times trailed with me.  i was so worn.     

January 21

4 am

the whole messy thing streaking around me. i feel peace and i feel so so much sorrow. 

the whole thing aching and gone. i feel so unworthy i feel this strip on my heart pulled out.

and now i see how estranged we were.  he was feeling it coming, or feeling the offness, praying with the guys all these weeks, for  a month.  speaking his discomfort to them.  

i was speaking my discomfort to the women and praying.  were we both outside of truth?  was the house leaning this whole month?  were we holding on to the fixtures?  how sad and unmighty.   i had felt so much pressure, i had felt all this picking.  i thought he wasn't intuned with me.  but he was. and he wasn't sure either, and he was losing his go.    did we have let's go.  

i wish i had known that.  i think we were more the same place.  

i am wondering how far we left each other.  and so what were we sowing? what promises in the dirt?  what kind of vessels were we for each other.  

I remember when he came in my room in the morning and was all smiles and squeezed me and i was all out of it. he rubbing my back.  and it made me so happy even though i was grumpy.  his big face in my face.

Morning 

the awfulness.

 he is gone.  i keep remembering his arms around me.  how he'd lean and his hands around my neck.  how he'd hold me.  

it's like i'm alone on a stage with spotlights.  like the lighting in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  the bare rooms and the heavy spotlight and the bright light.  he's gone.  like i'm looking around the empty forrest and he's gone.  there is this settledness and there this horrible emptiness.

the loveliness gone.  him coming in sweetly with his overalls.  

i went on a drive last night and i kept coming back, i kept taking weird turns and there was nowhere that i wanted to go.  

Remember

Remembering some of the best last moments in 07.
There was my trip to see Sarah. The two of us at a surf dive bar down the street from her place. Sarah looking good on Ramona. "Come on Sarah!" and guys gathering around. But Ramona liked it too, her lights went on. And we got out of there, even though they wanted to go to breakfast. We ditched out in the car.


I think we had more fun taking pictures of us in Sarah's room.







the random roomate friend's. Sunday morning.

My Magnificent 08

Here comes 2008, I watch as it comes, it's gentle way. It's goodness, the new solidness. my wonderful friends, here a whole wall of them all twinkly with crowns on for the epiphany party. the year it comes up twinkling, rising in such hush. look at us here--it's like we're watching for it. but there is a glow in it, i put my hands around.
The day of Epiphany comes 13 days after Christmas, celebrating Jesus coming to the Gentiles.

I see 08 twinkling in the eyes of my friends here in this shot. There's something quiet to this start of the year, quiet and whole and blessed with the body of cuties and people who remain, who remian with me. and all the good little things we do, it's like this treasure chest I keep unpackaging.....

Dear 08,
Be my dearest way. Be like my Umbrella. your curved handle so easy and your big brim. Be like the Whole Package.
Be rest and be my somewhere solid.

Here we watch you come, it is like almost fun, and kinda neat and passing along together. Be as rad like my girl and our looks

be my sweetest surprise.
and Holy Batman! and
just plain good. and take me where you want to take me.







Oh 08 I'll take your little dinky light show any time. i like you with your little sparks and flickers. i like how you get to me. I much rather have your kup-pow then all that cleverness.
I wonder what comes next






be as lovely,
and as dear.
be my hero.

come with little donkey.
be my new found crown.