SD

tonight i wanted to find 2 of my old San Domenico High School friends.  and i did. on myspace i finally found courtney, only through the music search in San Francisco, and Asmara in the Netherlands.  I wrote them , i listened to Courtney's voice.  her amazing voice.  and her pictures she looks older. of course.  i can''t believe i let 5 years go by.   I've been thinking so much about them, and I haven't reached out or looked in 5 years.  the last time i saw Asmara was right before I went to Italy in 03.

And I just started crying.  i picked up a San Domenico Reunion invite for the class above me.  These are girls I looked up to and loved so much in High School.  They are like at this root at me.  I adore them.  and tonight I remember this wound of some of my friends, how much I like adore them and how much our friendship kinda took off then didn't, and just left off, trickled off after high school.  I started to think about all the people I know now. and i love them so,  and how they didn't know me then and how in ways they don't know all these younger Molly things, these root things.

I have this very big wound for wanting to be seen and close to these friends from high school.  I was such fans of them.  and we were all really creative and crazy.    I went to an All Girl School that was small for high school.  it had these un

I am sad. I want so badly to have this connection still with some of the girls from my high school. 

all of a sudden i'm thinking of my sister and how I want to be close to her. all of a sudden I think of Cliff and how i loved him and how he got to be family for a time for me.  and god that hurts so bad.  i have so much yearning right now.

and how that whole thing was all ridiculous at the end and how it was all false.  and i don't know what to do with his cue showing up in the litte girl of me. 

A Quote by George MacDonald

To know a primrose is a higher thing than to know all the botany of it-just to know Christ is an infinitely higher thing than to know all theology, all that is said about his person, or babbled about his work."

Yeah George MacDonald.  Yeah to Colleen for putting this on her blog.

God please Rush in the stuck place of my talking.  like I think of how much I hide you Lord, like don'g talk much about your with let's say my sister, or certain people, like I will say little things but they are almost usually on the "cute" end.

Lord I'm so tired of saying cute little things about how much I love you, and etc.

I'm tired of only calling you "The Lord" and not saying "Jesus"

I'm tired of being split sometimes, of having whole little worlds where I carry on like you're not endearing everything that is growing so well in me.  as if you are not my everything of everything.  You are my rejoice of rejoice.

At Vintage away many times I sailed away as our Speaker was speaking.  All the Christian rhetoric, all the metaphors quasi relatable, quasi Grated and the metaphor of the race.  This tires me.  This sits on the wall and stares back at me.  And good stuff too. me in my head trying on parts feeling other garments worn.  

When as Always, a verse from the bible came up and took me.  It sprung up like  a tree like a Yes vein.  A verse  cradling everything both frail and beloved inside me.  The Joints in my spirit opening up a new shared frame.  A boat to sail in.  Words that keep propping up in my head.   already I remembered it as True.  how much scripture floats sometimes.

The verse from 1 Corinthians.  

"And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

From this winter all i got through, and how i stayed so long in the icky relationship.  But how god pulled me out of it.  Completely cut the bond.  And provided a way out so I can stand up under it.

like my very own tunnel way out of the harm's way.

Sunday.

I am starting to feel alive like I haven't before.

I think it was part sumayya part The Abbey part people coming up to me and saying they missed me and part the great long conversation and going about yesterday.

This is Molly trying to start writing again.  This is Molly sitting in the Capitola Book Cafe with Annie in my lap trying to sail a new shiny poem like a little boat before me.  This is Molly picking chocolate chips off Sumayya's muffins that tase like bananas a little bit.  This is Molly wanting to swim today.  

Saturday

All this opening,

I had the best day with Sumayya yesterday and hanging out with Kurt.

The day was knotted and tangled in the morning, felt all disjointed.  with missing other shoe, and missing my kickboe class, and losing the bloodwork form, then finding it, then not having my insurance card, then trying to get Sumayya down here and indecision.

Her caltrains left late and we weren't sure if she was going to make the Highway 17 express.

And kurt was coming over the hill too.  the day was overbearing

I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and I felt this strong sense of "go pray"  

I got in my room and began to pray and pray for the smoothness and the way of how Jesus "holds everything together in every way"

and from then on the day was so so smooth.

the timing was perfect and one thing turned to the next.

kurt and Sumayya and I all hung out and we got to the bus and the perfect time.

and we had the lovliest conversation, mourning our more artistic manic earlier years.  we had a moment of silence for it.  how our jobies keep us from some brink of those ridiculous all nighters streaming madness creative flow.  

we hung out at The Abbey--Vintage's Coffee shop now really open.

we hung out there for hours.  

the moral of the story is I had a healing day at vintage.  A really lovely day and passing and friends with my dear friend Sumayya hanging there with me.

Today

I would cup my hands around this day.  like a bowl that wasn't spilling.  like a bowl of water that was still.  

in reverse order:

Today I ambled down pacific to see 2 clients.  and i was feeling so right.  i was wearing my black dress and Oriental shirt with the red cuffs. 

I couldn't help feeling I was being brought along to something.

::

(and of course 3 run-ins that I had).

But I glided through,  there was not even alarm.

thankgoodness Josh called right then,  this good friend pointing back to the safe and good and yes.

::

we got set to print tomorrow, and the day was hainus in the morning.

then i went to my network chiropractor.  he touched my neck as he always does.  and with all my heave and panic in my body this time i felt this great opening, and for the next 2 hours I was so relaxed.

Seal

by Anne Sexton

I dreamt of a seal
with wide wings,
made of vineagar and little boys, sliding past the star motes,
up over the city of Frisco,
saying forgive me lord
for I have lived so little
I have need of night people.
I have need to see the bum dozing,
off on scag, the women in labor
pushing forth a pink head,
lord I need to fly I am sick of rocks and sea water, I need to
see the moon,
old gyrator,
old butter ball,
and the starts pinching each other
like children.
I want the prairie, the city, the mountain,
I am sick and tired of the rock off Frisco
with its bleating and cowing.
Lord, let me see Jesus before it's all over,
crawling up some mountain, reckless and outrageous,
calling out poems
as he lets out his blood.

throw away the book

well you say i ask the same questions well maybe i repeat myself from time to time.
father didn't you untie me? didn't you untie me Lord?

Joann and I just pulled everything off the shelves onto the ground. it started with ann sexton. why try to write anything after her? her nailing it. Joann threw the book across the room. then we threw all the poetry books on the ground. Then we got up to Mewithoutyou "torches together" "why tear out a page when you can throw away the book?" and pulled all my things off the shleves and threw them on the floor.

today was a wedding in a creek, it was so lovely. we sat on blankets.

this morning was a service about being Single.

about the gift that it is.

it is a gift that let's us do things we wouldn't if we were married. and it was about working with the hand you've been dealt. playing the best game. not looking at anyone else's cards.


"come quick! you light that knows no evening. come alone to the alone! for there are thousand half loves well worth leaving for to take your madness home, and you dance inside my chest where no one sees you but sometimes i see you!" Come rejoice the cleansing of my lips, rejoice the cleansing of my soul. you don't think i mean what i say, well i mean every word I say!" -mewithoutyou

Miss Molly myself

I have missed my little blog and my routine of writing.

I did this coarse in San Francisco with my sister, that she had done and raved about. it was all about communication and pleasure and honing in on what you want, and realizing what your "trip" is and being OK with it, not trying to change that.
I learned I have this worry trip. I have learned how to right away hear that little girl in me, and see myself freaked out, and know that i'm not to blame when i feel all is loss and all is my fault.

I have learned so so much about communication.

I was worried that it was going to be "new age" when I went, but I would say that it wasn't....but on some levels some of their postures on god and who we are didn't resonate with me.


but what the coarse did was give me this new freedom, and for male/female advocates they were very much fans of what i would say is more a biblical approach of Men stepping into their masculine and Women stepping into their feminine.
for men to step into their power and women to step into their desire.

i left the coarse feeling so excited about being ok with what i want, and that my desires/wantss are good, and I can trust them....
and so excited to go for what i want. i stepped out of the heaviness of this whole last couple of months. into this yes, being eager and excited about finding someone who wants to give me what i want, of someone that fulfills these things i like....


it like took me into this whole new dazzle place.


I was testing out continuing the coaching (phone conferences) with this center. and man, Oswald (my utmost for his highest) totally slammed me last night. i know what i need to do. i need to be obedient. in this case, I think even on a financial level I can't keep doing the calls, and it's just not quite my place. learning about living in my means and learning on just even on the steps for me.

it's so weird, i walk a line , we all walk a line of that way that God consecrates for us some things and not other things. and maybe it's ok for most to be doing most things, but that god sets us apart to be "peculiar people" like that Mute Math reggae vibe song, or like deuteronomy says. and some lands are not consecrated for me.

i had been feeling very indecisive about it.. very not sure, which i'm learning more and more is a sign that I shouldn't do something. i was going after information. but i'm getting more and more into looking for the big Yes and big wings GO from the lord and the the land and the situation.

so i know what to do about continuing with the program. but i'm still stoked that i did it. i'm still coming down off it.