my attic open up

My period is here,
(all you Misters or scardees who don't want to hear of the whoaman's whoa click away.
My period. I'm so happy for my (.) b/c The last period I got was June, yes that's June 04' well there was one false bleed in January due to a fast I was doing that seemed to kick in not just my Liver but my Uterus. It's amazing, it feels so amazing. It is like, finding a long lost friend, like walking through a very familiar park. It feels so good. my v is buzzing.
It is like putting your hand in a jar of dried rice and feeling that all-over sensation, that all-over-yes, with your hand covered on all sides by these rice pieces and you go in-and-out of feeling them one by one or feeling them all covering your hand. And you can dig your hand deeper and back but everywhere is satisfying.
It is like there was some closed-up attic, and now a window has open, and the sun is breaking in and it's so intense because the sun hasn't been there for awhile. And the atmosphere in the attic is stirring, the dust flying up, and you're coughing, but the sun drives in, like it was always meant to be there. The sun pours-in in this tangible way. The sun is heavy and falling like a continuous sheet, it's like a pedal, its pressing on you.
It is like the front of a ship, (what is that called?), the tip, that first cuts into the water. and the boat is going with a steady cadence, the water is meeting it so nicely and lapping by and the tip is the first to meet it.
It is coming up from a heavy and holding sea, it breaks up over the water like someone who has been trying to come up for air. and then all of a sudden they gasp. emerging from somewhere clenched and static.
My body down there feels like it is on to something, it feels like it is taking in. (that is what really is striking me, not the sensation of dropping or shedding, but that my body down there is taking in).
What I am noticing now is there is this whole experience, it is beyond a feeling or effect, it is a whole being taking place. My uterus is of its own doing right now.
In someways it is like Jesus (truly, though this sounds bizarre) like the Spirit. becuase i'm learning that Jesus isn't an essence or feeling, when the Spirit comes it is seperate than you but is totally whole and totally aaah to be in it and when it comes it is totally there, not just in a place, but this blanket covering the everywhere.
And my period right now is like this in that it is seperate but of me, it is rolling ou in its own way, and i'm at the top of it and oh so high and unbinding.

The Day before Dylan is born

The day before my Pastor's baby is born. Who knows what he will be or become, and i'm not even sure if he will be a Dillan, or a Dylan. My expression came up once again, to look at the child's chart, which right now is somewhat loose b/c the time is not exact, though with a C-section scheduled, we all know pretty darn close.
First I just want to say that I need to stop being so guilty for this gift I have, and it comes from such a love of people, and what it does not simplify what kind of person a person will be, but actually complicate and elaborate, more than any psychology or system that I know of . There are houses, and 11 planets each with their own signs, and there are all the angles, how the planets speak to each other, it shows there is a design, and the universe is not random. And it was the Wise men who followed the Stars to Jesus. Amen! I mean I have this unfathomable relationship with Jesus. By the way, In my soul, in my ness, I am now proud to be a Christian. I still don't go around announcing it, but I am so surrounded by it and in it.

Astrology for me is nothing of faith. It is a science, my senses see it, I can look at someone's face and know when they are a taurus, or if they are earth or air sign.
Astrology for me is a way of understanding people in their human element. It is seeing how messy and varied and why we may come off the way we do, why we may be pulled to behave in the ways we do.
Now Christ actually changes my capacity. Christ allows me to have this source of love for people, for others, anybody, even those I may not be fond of, because it comes from this deep source.
Well I just want to say Amen for Dylan, coming tommorow morning.
I am stunned that he, if born approximately the time as scheduled will be a Cancer Sun, Pisces Moon, and Leo Rising.
How Precious!
The weird thing is I'm a Pisces Sun, Cancer Moon, and Leo Rising. This is a trip. But even if i try to be a little unbias, I can say that Pisces and Cancer are both water signs and extremely sensitive, they work on more of an emotional plane. And pisces is a very artistic sign, though it can be moddy, and changeable, it is the two fishies.
Now Leo Rising, the Rising sign is kinda like what someone may notice first in you who doesn't know you all that well, in other words like you at a party. And this kid if Leo Rising, is exactly my sign. So check it,
leo is the Lion right, the king of the forest, so they dig their kingdom, and all that's in it. They are protective of their close ones, their family, their friends. And their pride is very important.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I like to be the center of Attention. And i'll go there, i'll the the MC or DJ, or read my poems in front of crowds. So there's my Leo, but its more on my rising sign, how I shine to others. The moon sign is the heart more, the emotions, our gut instincts. Mine is Cancer which is mothering, nurturing, likes isolation, has a little shell up, gets easily let down if people don't nurture me, yatta-yatta. So for anyone who knows me, they know i'm pretty emoitional, and as much as i'm all glowy when around people, I do get pretty sad frequently and sulky, but then my emotions change, especially when looked after by others, and nurtureed a little bit. but sometimes its just a lost cause, like i get down really easy or anxious, and my Leo, that's a part of me that just gets very strong and intense, that's my little roar, what gets me out of my water. that's when i get things done, or when i "know what I know, and want what I want", and strut off to get another coffee.

OK, I'm gonna stop now.

Yeah Naba! Yeah Dylan! Yeah Jen!
May God bless the deliverey!

Talking in Tongues

Just got back from a women's retreat on prayer with the women of the FR's gospel church. I spent a full day and a half with these eight Black women, sisters. Within 3 minutes of our first Let's praise and worship session, these sisters were talking in tongues. I mean, it was on, and at first I was just standing there "ok. . .. ." and then within five minutes the spirit of that room took me too, the spirit I should say, it was not of that room, it was the Holy spirit and it came rolling in and was so there , like a wall in front of me. And I felt as though I could walk anywhere, go to any part of the room, and it would be there. it spread out. it was all ever present.
One woman was talking in tongues and then spasms with this scream every minute or so. right away, she focused on me and prophetized something that was astounding, it had to do with how I would bring people to the Church, to the Spirit of Christ, I don't want to mention it exactly, except that I say that it was pretty right on me, on my potential, as my gadma and I had just been quiety conferring about a lightbulb idea I have.
So the women got to crying and shouting and putting hands on each other. . . . . instead of describing this, I am tempted to just tell you what I got from this.

The only way to love, without creating the love, and trying to conjure it out of your own capacity, is with Christ. LIke when I love from Christ, it is this huge unstoppable love, this real love, this love from a source, not just me saying, "ok, I guess" and loving this or that that I like, or that I recognize in a person. For instance, there were two women that were just rubbing me the wrong way, and i think mostly because i couldn't understand them, what they were doing exactly. But when the spirit was there so strong i couldn't help but feel this thing, becyond love, that made me with them, that made me belong to them, we were all in this heavy feeling of the spirit, and it was like we were all of the spirit.

Then this pain kept creeping up in my back that i have had, a bothered feeling really, somehting not of me, for the last year and a half. it is a remnant of abusive times when i think something really invaded me. And in panic I asked Sister Flo to help me. right away she did without any hesitation, she just dunked in, and put her hands on my back, then three other weomen joined. and then not only did I feel the disturbing thing gone, but I actually felt somethign new and fresh, and me and beginning there. but i still felt something going on in my lower back which they had missed, then sister, the one I was having trouble comprehending or dealing with somehow in my brain, well she just came all boldly and rubbed my back and called on Jesus and then that area felt so new and becoming and yes and alright, and mine again.

You may know where I'm going now but it was the Spirit and how strong, how strong that even with this person i had somewhat dismissed, that she could bring the spirit in me and make it all better, it was not her personaility it was the spirit, which seems to be the most forgiving and beautiful thing. To be continued/beginning. . .

Pinging

I'm back, I'm back online. I've been on the phone for 2 and a half hours with Linksys and Dell. The technicians kept telling me to ping this and ping that. And then I plugging in and out wires and fiddling with the box and viola! I'm back. Stay Tuned Readers. To Blog Continued. . . . .

June 13th continued

Today I have felt something new. Like i am sealed. not just this lift. but a seal. a wonderful seal. I'm always so open, people say. "ooh you're so open" they tell me when I give them a big stare. It's vulnerable, that's what I've been, taking in everything, un shileding, unprotected. going on anyone's. being present when I din't want to.
inviting obad ones*: ones that wanted to take from me what I had. I was almost spilling out before. and searching.
and i don't feel open in this way anymore. I feel like I'm in something. And I don't have to do the work to reject or protect or defend or take naymore. Like I"m in Christ. And it feels like it's never going to go away.
I feel untouchable.

June 13th, the dunk, and comin home frantic

I'm getting frantic again. I just tried to email the FR the passage at Kinkos and all this. There's a hint of trying to convince him, and I don't need to go there.Though at the last it was good once he got my email. i came home to find flowers Doug and Dena left for me, so happy aof my day yesterday My baptism. I'm so sad. so here I go in these kind of freaked out corners. I really want to be with someone and still regerent and in awe for this moment I had yesterday. My whole family togher. that's unthinkable! My mothers, my sisters, my dear ones. My girls from thecity and MARin. And afterwards they circled me and held me.
My sister would come up behind me and put her hands on my hips. And it was like she was squaring my hips, and she knew right where they were even before she touched me, like she really loved me right there and supported me like she was saying "i got your hips." which is way more than "your back" and she would smile so big at me. And supposedly my mom was crying really hard, it really moved her I could see even after she was so emotional. They all came around me afterwards and hugged me. My family, my friends, I couldn't believe it, they were all around me and loving me so. and Jesus was loving me. And I was really here with Jesus. It was so much love I could hardly take it. I think only God, only Christ could do that, bring all my loved ones together. I felt then like I could really forgive my mom,
The sermon was all about gifts, it was so perfect. the line about the whale and the fin. the movie clip from that Rock Movie. the musical metaphor, the Catholic school kids trying to rock out.
Josh found a really great scripture about how getting baptized is not about removing dirt, but coming to Christ with a clear consciousness. yes. Like now I want to give God that, my best, my good consciousness, like I want to create and stride in goodness. and goodness, wholeness, completeness, is not just some simple thing.
Here is to my new beginning. Here is to this assurance, this entirety that came, the whole thing came to me on March 13th. (I got the whole thing all at once and therre were no steps.) It feels like heaven in my heart.
just as we were leaving the Attic, we went there after and had the yummiest beet and goat cheeze salad, just as we were leaving, we stalled, then the Namba and the
the K-thang. we went to saturn, and two miracles, we had a NICE waitress at SAturn, OK breathe. and we sat at the Star Wars original movie table. so Princess Laya was right there under my thin fries. so now it's the thirteenth and that's my day, i'm born on the thirteenth (another month). so it's like home.
I liked the water, it was this soft warm, not very warm, but just so. and once it was over I swished around, I almost felt like the water was my friend. I remember stepping towards Rob when I got this nod. as he was coming close to baptizing me and he put his arm out a little bit, (he told me to put my arm there and then he would dunk me. And the dunk was gentle and fast but witha glide, not too fast. and under the water it was like coming into something. it was a woosh, it was like I entered something. (all this is subtle) and it was neat to be so soaked there for a minute.

I heard people hardly one time say "oh Yeah!" after i spoke. but my friends told me afterwards that lots of people were really responding to me, calling out, affirming, moved. people were crying. !!!!! And a couple people came up to me afterwards and thanked me, like I spoke something they were feeling. Wow this is like, this is like we are in this boat, like Christians are more in my boat than I deemed before. like not all perfect or glossy but just as in the lowsy sore state as i am, but feeling the Lord, yes feeling the Lord.. . . . to bed.
To be Continued.