and deeper

open wide my door, my door, my Lord(open wide my door)
to whatever makes me love You more(open wide my door)
while there's still light to run towards

Mewithoutyou Lyrics

mewithoutyou lyrics

like mewithoutyou said

I was once the wine,
I was once the wine,
I was once the wine,
and you were the wineglass,
I was once alive,
I was once alive,
i was once alive,
when you held me,
but G-d became the glass,
all things left are emptiness

More on Rob Bell (as good to the soul as Bush)

A good night. Having just left Wendy, my Birthday girl, getting a whole Box of food to go from Dharma's. Two little luckyones making back to her place to be with Americn Idol. Pleased with ourselves. Pleased.
I am listening to Glycerine by Bush. And I am happy.
And I get a rush of my life as a littler one when I hear this, on the brink in the 90s in high school and hopeful.

If you could scrinch up my 90's High School affair and teenage Molly strands of days, it would sound like Bush, the band, that would be the sound. And Rob Bell is sweeping me slamming me like Bush.

I must share what has struck me so dearly from Rob Bell.
This book is as symphonic as this song Glycerine

"God meets people where they are and invites them to the next stage of enlightenment. And then, when they've reached that stage, God invites them to the next stage after that."

Now Duran-Duran is singing "I just died in your Arms Tonight." Yes.

Mr. Rob Bell talks about how Sex. relates to God. how this. is that.
He starts with the bigger picture.
the marriage of the divine and the human. To God's desire to be with people.
and in this iddy-biddy way maybe sex is this wink of the eternal, of what it will be like in our perfect embrace with the divine, of heaven....

"For many people, sex is brief moments when everything is okay with the world, even if it isn't. It's escape from pain and sufferind and brokenness of life. It's ashore time when all is right, even if lots of things around us are falling apart.

In Revelation, God announces, "I am making everything new!" Isn't that the longing of every embrace, every act of love, sex itself? To start agian, to give yourself away, again, to try again for hope and healing and restoration?"

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness now, Billy Corgan "Believe, believe in me. Tonight."

..."We find sex so powerful because it provide people with glimpses into the world we all desperately desire but can't seem to create on our own."

..."and that [with sex something mystical happens], that something good and needed is created? Something is added to the world, given to the world. The world is blessed with something that it desperately needs."

God may when i couple with someone, that it adds to this world, that I add to others, that it bless others.

Now Lauryn Hill "Everything is Everything" -- "Where hip-hop meets scripture."

I got upset. upset. last night. Christian couples. and everyone cut off. No-one talking to me. me not trying. feeling so cut. people not seeing me, where is the bouquet of love? where is the light we are given? Sometimes I wonder, shouldn't something more radical be happening with Christians? with Christ inside, can you break, can you break and pour out, a euCHARist for the world--and serve? And me too, here this is a selfish hypocritical thing i'm sure. but i'm trying.

Now Sole "Bottle of Humans" is on.

Maybe I just need a hug

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Originally uploaded by mollyfm1.

Or a couple of Hugs.

100_0116
Originally uploaded by mollyfm1.

Maybe I need to get out of here

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Originally uploaded by mollyfm1.

I could skate to the island

What am i on the verge of?

Timing and Revelation.

God, what is this movement you are making?

I got through the Jordan. I forgave on Jordan Street. God pushing me over into this complete revelation, saying "Yep, honey, it's true. You're there. You've arrived."

Then meeting the dude with the same looks, and the same posture, subtly bad news, subtly powerful, obviously a rerun. Getting me. craving something. the scene was played and this time I could see it.

The nightmare that very night. being attacked, cornered. the dogs sicking me.

And for the second time that week I removed myself from the situation. in panic over doing such a thing. feeling released and well as soon as I did.

Then at the brewery all under the same Roof were the 3 christian guys from way back (in these last 2 years). who had grabbed my attention. who had come into my scene and thrown me off (being friendly then not giving me the time of day). God showing me the spirit of those who don't see me. It was easy to shrug my shoulders and leave the night. SEeing the slimy there and the falseness.

Hung out with 2 friends that were authentic. was comforted.

Then brought a new friend to Vintage, who had left Graceland, both who had a falling out, they came nervously, they came stoned and mushy in spirit. but showing up anyway. not really intimidated by any of this. something feels mild in all this. but then looking and one of the guys was sketching, and he was sketching the dog from my nightmare with an open mouth ready.

The good news is I didn't freak out, I didn't feel twigged as my body so usually would go. I think it is a prequel, my eyes sharpened.

Timing

The time of this whole entourage. The steady pace of revelation, the uncovering piece by piece and stroke by stroke. "if it's not this horse, it's not this horse...I can't ride this horse. I can't get on that plane:.

This land is like a Marsh Land. like the swampy stuff by the island at the end of Venetia Avenue, at the end of my street in 4th grade where I used to go rollerskating. There was a bridge and I'd walk my dog down there. (Near China Camp). With reeds and mud and water and ranky and swans and green stuff. beautiful but ranky. mushy and clearly, no don't put your feet in there you could know how sinky it is. Your toes closing.

I know I can't step there.


Finding it

I feel like I am getting up into some attic, like going through dusty corners, like there is a gem or treasure to find. Casting away old spirits, leaving scenes that are played. digging through some hefty trunk with dolls arms and scarves and wooden jewel boxes and capes and guady lamps. turning the lamps' light switch on and off, they're not turning on. looking for the lamp that turns on.

Rob Bell is my Hero

All around me I see major dissatisfaction with my girls, in not having their "mate." in waiting.
I have been reading Rob Bell and I am so inspired. Here are some quotes which are blowing my mind. From "Sex God"

Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world.

Listen to what he says about desire: "It's not about getting rid of desire. It's about giving ourselves to bigger and better aned more powerful desires.
Where are you channeling your energies into?
Because the willl go somewhere.
If they don't go into a few select, disciplined pursuits that you are passionate about and willing to give your life to, they they'll dissipate into all sorst of urges and craving that won't even begin to bring the joy that the "one thing" could.

And you will end up giving the force of your being to something.

We have a part to play in the ongoing creation of the universe.
Are we focusing our God-given sexual energy into the ongoing creation of a better and better world?
We will continue to strugle and resist and fail to connect.

Our sexuality is all the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other, and with God.

"The word sex is related to the Latin Word secare, which means "to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole" giving us words like "sect, dissect, section.
OUr sexuality, then has two dimensions. First, our sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we're severed and cut off and disconnect. Second, our sexuality is all the ways we go about trying to connect."...
He talks about music, or moments where we all can expeerience nearness. Like music, like hanging around a doctor who donates significqant amounts of time working with people who have AIDS, and seeing the joy it brings this man.
"These are moments that move us because they have a sexual dimension. They help us become reconnected. They go against our fallen nature, which is to be cut off."

Letting Go in Lent

I'm not drinking for Lent. Everytime I do, this whole last couple of weeks, has not felt good. And as I talk to people--there is a lot of intense things going down. The world is heightened, Gates to Spiritual world tangible. I am giving up drinking for Lent. When I realized this, I was clapping in the Shower

If I can't see you, you can't see me

The flinging. Suddenly all these b*ys are flinging at me. there is something off about each one. and almost. The chronic almost. And what I finally get is that the almost is very no. It stands for the mini, the fabricated, the dangerous. the forever unpleasing. The flinging started after I got to Gilgal. Yes. I do feel that O.T. The flinging started when I made it through. when i passed. in little droplette ways my Feng Shui lady (client) came and gave my room a peptalk. And I took off my Amber ring.
...The common streak with these guys is I can't really see into them, I can see them. When I look in their eyes, there is like a glaze or a muffly way around them. And it's like when I used to act in High School, and I'd exit stage right, and there would be a whole clump of us actors waiting in the wing, having to try to keep it together and not whisper. to keep still. We'd always try to watch what was going on on stage. And how, how to keep from letting the audience see you creep in? AS my director always said "If you can't see them, they can't see you." Once you'd see that bobbing knee, that person in the corner, you'd know both you--the person on stage, and them--the audience member--were both exposed. like "ha! gotcha!"
I can't see these guys, I literally can't see into their eyes. And here they all are keen on me and coming after. But I know that if I can't see you, you can't see me. So I don't know what they're looking at or what they're after, but they're parked at the wrong carport.

Jordan Street, God means deliverance

God put it right there in front of me. God saying, "Yes Molly, really, I am giving this to you, I am giving you what you asked for." I had been asking God, pleading with God, saying God, God! Please bring me through the Jordan.

( I started this plea on December 29th. I woke up nighmarish. the ick was there,,,, again, yeasty and tangly around me. The worry and the shadow.......... the shadow from the dismantling from 2003 from the sin, ugh....and so on!)

(And I've known God wants me healed. So no way was I taking this anymore! God calls us to be free and free indeed. God knows how to remove this stuff.......and I was learning that maybe it wasn't the stuff, the ick, or shadow, but the place. Maybe it is the place where I am. like there is a way to be held in an oppressive place, where your firmament is always hostage to that past, or fear of the past.......and i was beginning to see since this fast and the revealing that I myself was in a new place. And as I worship Him feeling heaven unlocked and available right there before me). But this all is a big parenthesis!

I was asking God to cut in front of me, as He cut in front of his children, the people of Israel, when the Ark of the Covenant cut before them and they crossed the Jordan. The Floodwaters were held back. They hurried across. (I love Old Testament understatements). And as they were making their way, and God told 12 of them to stop there and pick-up stones from the middle of the Jordan. to pick up the stones and carry them across. And when you make it to the shore of Gilgal, you put the stones upright there. To put them there as remembrance. And when your children ask you "What do those stones mean?" You shall tell them that "Those are the stones from when the Lord your God cut in front of you and held back the water of the Jordan and you were delivered."

He wanted them to take the stones from the middle of that death or die cross over. from where they were crossing over. from where they had to run, to rush across, pedal-to-the-metal, from the middle of the danger-zone, from the final plunge. From where the Lord cut in front of them.

This is the spot that brought them to Gilgal, which again, means Full-Circle, where the bible tells us that they stayed and were healed and God was with them and they were healed. This is where they finally made it, made it to their promised land.

And I had been praying to get to my Gilgal, to make it through the Jordan. To be fully cutoff from the scarriness and threatening stuff of before. And where did I forgive? Where did I leave it all behind. Jordan Street.

God delivered me. God is telling me, too, I delivered you. God is making it known. God has marked me, and I set my stone there, I left my stone there, this time, turned upright, I took the stone from the trama, and turned it up as a memorial to the Lord my God. I said "I forgive you for the Lies." and my past was transformed. The stone was set upright, and this time it was the Lord's. Now it is not a heavy thing, or burden, or acquard oppressive thing. It is a stone that is turned upright, that commemmorates the Lord my God. It is a memorial. I have put the Lord my God there. I have made it his place. I left the stone there, and now I call that street Jordan (the 1-way street where you have to wrap around--get all the way to the other side, in order to get onto it, to find the last parking space), this is the street, Jordan Street, where God delivered me.

leaving it behind on Jordan Street

There has been 4 years amplified. the way shadows go. I used to stare at the thing (the ugly thing), trying to squint my eyes to see it differently, to become separate, to make it better. The problem was I was staring at the thing. The problem was I was trying to combat it by myself. And I couldn't make it better and I couldn't push it away.

But last night I forgave the lie. I have tried many times to forgive for this boulder, and part of the problem is I let it happen. And I felt taken into places where I never wanted to go. Last night I was standing on Jordan Street ready to try doing this "forgiveness thing" I've prayed to push out before. I started "Father, I forgive him for, for...." and began to try to reach, to look in the loaded places....when, almost like it was handed to me, placed in me by God, I spoke "I forgive him for the lies."
And I knew it was so. And there the thing went empty. And there it was empty and hallow. For the first time I saw it like that. And it wasn't even that the thing had become dead, or far-away, not even crossed-out or blemished out. The thing was just hallow and useless. The thing no longer had matter. like the whole thing was just punctured and there it was a deflated dead balloon. God was putting it in my soul that it was simply a lie.

Just a few weeks ago I felt as if I crossed the Jordan. I made a great arrival. I had finally gotten to my Gilgal (a town that means Full Circle) like the israelites. Huddled in Gilgal with God there in the tents, healing me. The last of the healing. The cicrumcision. The stuff being cut off.
So there I was on Jordan Street, just 3 blocks from where the reproach occured, (me then a 22 year old thing). And I did,
I said I refuse to walk into tomorrow with this thing in my heart. And I left it on Jordan Street.