Today is Day 8

Today is Day 8, and I rejoice in it with Jo. She is doing big things and edging right up to God. And God is telling her that he's been counting down for this from long before. God is saying, yes-you are ready. let's do this.
This is 1 day past the Day of Sabbath because yesterday was the 7th day.
So it's like a new beginning. It's like the next octave. The next land. The ready land.

I woke up with anxiety and my heart felt like it was gulping.
My boss let me stay home for the morning. I slept more and I woke up feeling so good and rested. I don't remember feeling so O.K. in so long.

like I had come up out of water.

I said when I was praying today, "Lord you are Outrageous!"
I really like that word. How it suddenly is so bold in the middle.
IT feels so right to say that to the LOrd right now. I keep seeing these things in our relationship change or


It does feel like a day of new starts like a day of uncovering.

Yesterday was like Day 7, Cliff and I came to new terms. It was like the end note.
We sat on his low seats and watched a movie while he knitted to calm down. We were not very affectionate but we were at an agreement.

Earlier, He left my room frustrated. I was to drive him home. It was that same old Dead-end. And he "just wanted to go home." and somethings he said hurt. and it's that shutdown. and it really sucked to hear his take on many of my things. words are important.

i came back to my room to find my keys. he came in. "Let's start over."
with a good spirit.
with that spirit of "everything is going to be OK."

And there was tenderness.
And it was like a new spirit wearing.

an unexciting post

today i know that i am supposed to be there. that i need to and want to be a support. after seeing Sar i feel back in my territory, like i was in a weird state a couple days ago. out of my zone. and i was hectic and unable to move out from myself. today i make a choice to be the best support i can be.

Feeling so much better

It takes my Sarah to put me back in the right spot. She is my oldest friend. we grew each other. we breathe and talk in the same. we define the world we talk around things,,,,almost from the same carriage is how we take in and process and find meaning and beauty.

so we kicked it in town, i had a feeling we'd see the Cliff at the taco place. "tap, tap, tap" on my car window was Mr. Cliff in his overalls and with paint splatterred all over his face. having stacked tacos at the hole in the wall. Then sarah and I at the smokey bar with the with the slot machines and the random people. then to the red room and somehow a terrific night spilling, sitting in the back, then putting songs on the juke box. Psycho Killer, then like a Prayer. we were dancing in the back absorbed in our thing, taking over our little corner. a gay boy coming and dancing with us "like a prayer" eternally eventful our hands up and spinning and hugging this guy and all of us feeling sent and "Woooh!" and singing at the top of our voices and holding invisible mics for each other and waving our hands. and being there plain, even though i did have sarah's sparkly shirt on. that's how we roll, plain and immersed and people coming up to us. Us feelin it and needing little.

strive

Where does this bike go and do I even recognize this land? is there a pasture for me?

even you were talking about striving when you were talking about god. i thought it beautiful what you said and palpable. you said how blackberries that are farmed never taste as good as the blackberries by the side-of-the-road, because those blackberries in the bushes don't have good land, b/c they have to strive, they have to strive for their survivial to make the sweetest fruit, the fruit that will someday fall and fertilize the next life, the better seed. You said that's why it's wonderrful being imperfect, because you have to strive and be uncomfortable, you have to reach out and then you need God.

So can you strive for this place before us? can you strive for me? How much i stress you out already asking for these things. can you strive to make a good food? to make a sweet berry? can you strive to soften the land? can you strive to find me?

it does come down to interpretation and buttons. and language. what is the language of what you do, what I do, what anyone does mean? The words you say mean things.
and am trying to feel like myself and feel at ease.

3:27 pm

it's 327 like the time of my block. and I'm feeling much better. went to my car and prayed and closed my eyes and talked all about it with god.
am not feeling torn up inside. talked with the boy and heard about his day and that was good. It is good to hear him.
I still have these places inside. i still am clueless about how to work this instrument. it can only be god to do this. i need god to make the bridge. that is the only way.

God help me to stay right here. but help me to not go cold.
help me to no how to walk. walk with me.
I want to go out to your saddest tree and shake it, shake it like a fig tree that is so easy to climb and shake. I want to get on my hands and knees under you lonesome tree and I want to just sit.

Scout

Lord how you always Scout out for me.
A sunken heart and small places inside all weekend. Pulling over on Locust Street (derailing the train) and saying "What is this, what is going on?" feeling like my boat is sinking.
uncovering the big foot that was making shadows on the wall. he was holding apapthy. and there was bummed-out. and the feeling of "I can't get it right for you." And there was rejection, the usual culprit.
And there were things I was holding. I am fumbling around for trust. having my back. meeting me halfway, feeling unsafe.....
I I want you to flush it out with me.
I ride all kind of ponies. do you know the color of one.
I want to be asked.
I want to be pried.
I want to make a vehicle with you.
I want to unpack beautiful places.
I don't want to hear about all the things I want to hear your heart.
I want to share my heart.


Lord you scout.
on Sunday the talk was on Balaam and the donkey. when the Angel of Lord was in the middle of the road. and it was the donkey that kindly knew to not go that way and shoved her rider to the side.
It was about the good donkey who heard the nudges. it is about the good way the angel of the Lord comes to us in our path and gently pushes us. not this way, thisaway.
And how the donkey can only follow.

I also am guilty of things. and i know my tone may get harsh. we are both sensitive and get bummed out when the other is bummed out. he thanked me for telling him that day that he was trying. for pointing out where he was trying. for thanking him. i didn't know he heard it at the time or it made a difference but it did. the recognition came at the end.

I keep hearing Rilke,
what if it were like we were in our very last room. like a hallway we had been running down until we find this room, and it is the very last room. (Rilke says "where the one guest is You." And somehow there is a party for You.

And sometimes it feels like it's beyond us. like we are plagued with such turmoil and it's not just coming from us.
this is Hard Land.