Good morning waking.
It's Christmas.
My sister put Iron & Wine on this morning and it made me happy.


I didn't know she knew/loved that group too.

A redemptive Christmas.
Starting at my sister's new phat pad.

Mom on way.
A couple of acquard moments yesterday, but otherwise good. Got a cool clock in our
secret santa game

God help me not to be self-absorbed.  It is a black hole.   Also in trying to do this new/old thing of going into academia, my mind and body and self feels like i'm in so many drawers trying to do somany things that i feel far away from God from you from simply thinking about you . praying out crying out.  there needs to be so much simultaneous focus and making things happen i am a big consumed by all that stuff and i don't like that self=absorption.

I just read a great meditation by good old Oswald, on when we witness to make it not about us.  that if we talk simply about the effect Christ had on us, that  he talks about that the Christian worker is the "go between" - "he or she [oh oswald get the she's in there] must be so identified with the Lord and the reality of his redemption that Christ can continually bring his creating life through him or her.  When we preach the historical facts of the life and death of our Lord as stated in the New Testament, our words are more sacred.  God uses these words, on the basis of his redemption, to create in something in those who listen which otherwise could not have been created.  if we simply preach the effects of his redemption in the human life instead of the revealed, divine truth regarding Jesus himself, the result is not new birth in those who listen.  The result is a refined religious life and the spirit cannot witness to it because such preaching is a realm other than his."

oh my gosh Lord,  I get it.  i have been doing that the whole time.  not that that is altogether wrong, but almost everytime my listeners focus on 'Me"  they say "oh that's lovely you had that happen, or tell me they admire my relationship with god, but they go"that's good for you"

And man, ive been shy just to say the basics of what Jesus did and offers, as if it would not sound relative or interesting.  but man, it's like the little capsule of life....and i remember before i was a christian when people would just plunk down there beliefs there was something totally alluring about it.  like when those people prayed in the odd "prayer mobile" old car parked on Pacific.  This was Molly pre-Jesus, but when they prayed to the holy spirit in the car i felt the kavod and the whole atmosphere in that car changed.

If I can write down my words.gods stories, the simply everything offering and say it.  i'm shy, and scared but it can''t be any worse than my own interpretations.  and with my roomate Tbs it gets hard and confrontational every time with back and forth of "That's what works for YOU molly, not everybody."  i think i have been overdoing interpreation and metaphor and trying to make my story their story..

god bring the new right moment.  help me be gobetween.  

a new post

I wonder why i haven't been posting as late.  i post tonight because Dan and Joann read my blog and that makes me happier than if 50 were.

i love you blog, i'm sorry i have been gone.  i think it's mostly because of so much heaviness and hard at work, has been really stressing me.  and my foot is hurting a lot  i had a procedure on an ingrown toenail and it is the most painful thing. so this weekend my foot has been up.

then the digging inside has been going with trying to let go of past.   i still feel crumpled from everything.  and needing the LORD's healing more than ever.

and deciding to look at applying for my mfa.  i want to be a real poet.  not that i'm not but that i want to really take the time to write and produce.  having the chasm between should i go mdiv route or mfa.  and i lean towards mfa because gosh i just want to be a very good writer.   i also really want to be known as a christian writer as well, as i don't know many contemporary christian poets who really are known, or are contemporary.  my heart still aches to be a voice in culture that writes about jesus.  questions i have are if i am going to get shy or embarrassed in a university from my potent beliefs.   i also want to learn hebrew and maybe greek and really learn all about opening the jewish words. oh those little jewels.   with like 7,000 words in hebrew compared to  English has 10's of thousands, so each hebrew word is potent potent with meaning and i like the way the LORD seems to garment around these words.

i realized last week that i have become cynical.   i think i'm getting grumpy at Santa Cruz.  i have such a love/hate relationship with this little ol' town of mine.  this is nothing new.  but what i realized is i think it's gotten to the cynical point.  mainly because its so hard to date. and i don't think i'm going to meet my man here.  and now i am getting older than most the guys i see.   i want someone to take me seriously.

and i really want God to keep keeping me to Him i think he must be tired of my hard heart....

but let's see here.

i prayed with Julia (my friend from college) on Friday, then Rae and julia and i took odyssey to Joann's house in San Jose to pray in her dreamy little room on Saturday.  She served us beautiful lunch on china and everything was white and her polaroids were up and small lights and soft things and Gramma's keepsakes.

We prayed over each of our gropings.  And how good is that.

The day before julia and I prayed and man she is going through a lot too, having a child and just married.

we have such a way of delighting each other, being such rambunctious friends (Russian) in College. that we carry that silliness.   we were praying and pointing up to God "You!  Don't forget Molly!  Don't forget the boyfriend!" getting all fiesty and Russian as we get with each other and fiesty with God.  I think God liked that though, he likes us being ourselves.

This is my rundown......

I want it to rain.

in my drawer

i was cleaning out my drawer in my desk, and i found wads of notecards, most of them versus but some were just thoughts. and they were my thoughts from last April when I was all in the waiting and upset and didn't know what would go down with Cliff.  

It is upsetting me reading them, how innocently i was talking about "where do i put my love" and wanting to be in this person's life and know them, and then my panicked notes about how could you do this to me and begginning to think i was being played.

oh boy!  man! this is so terrible to see me in the before when i was in the not knowing and all the holding and cherishing.

I can't believe that God delivered me.  my back is doing the twitching thing.  I want to forget.

October 1 meaning 2008

I wish I could be writing a poem today with some newfound deepness or meaning from this day or being 15 years out or even about the mundaness in my missing/wishing poem for October 1.

I want sincere people in my life.  I want integrity and . . .

October 1

Oh Lord come in and find me in this day of Gulp.

it has become a bit frantic, deadlining Pacific Rim Film Festival and fixing all the last ads.

My boss just talked to me about slowing down, i get tired of everyday being told something.  i am pushing and spelling out 110% of me and in the nutty way this job demands.  I am getting tired of chasing clients of making clients of convincing of changing ads of resurrecting upsize after upsize.

being tugged and pulled and tugged and chasing...

It was so sweet with Sarah yesterday. She came down to visit from Marin.  We saw Michael for Acupuncture, and we were in the most released and dreamy space yesterday.  We went to the wharf and it was a long glowy sunset in what is still a hot Indian Summer.  It was so dreamy.  The Seaotters were lounging below.  We love each other, me and Sarah. She has known me for 18 years, since right when I was a shoot of everything I am now.  we chuckled about our parents, both knowing each others' so well and the cute way they parent us now.

Today is an anniversary of a big Medical thing I went through, where my life was given back to me.  the beginning of tubes and PTs and OTs and my mom sticking by my side and a crooked smile and lapse of memory.   it makes me moved like a dent in the tent of my heart, like the beginning of something sad, and amazing at the same time.

oh dear, oh dear dearness I say to this day.

I feel better already this day at work was rough and my usual freak outs.  it is like jamming so much to happen, and i am getting a leaking attitude of "it's still not enough" how could that be when i have to go like gangbusters to get so much done and reach my goals and make the ads and reach the clients.

i feel hurt. worn.  i'm tired of being tweaked by others.  I'm tired of being eaten up.

these are days of being grumpy....

glad tonight my mom comes, any minute.

a much needed little time.

still

how could you leave me?

Chalkboard

At first it didn't hurt, 

it was like wiping the slateboard clean.   

All the horrific equations,

trying to convert myself with an angry dude

the steep disconnects,

rubbed right off that board.

All the crossed out parts of myself, 

and big Xs over who I am,

unreplenished,

all that mess,

gone. 

There it was, my blank beautiful chalkboard staring back at me.

But these days there's chalk on my hands.  

The hastened bits of me offered  

to the empty board.   

The chalkiness returning,

where I wrote myself into that relationship,

connecting dislocated dots with bad bridges,

making ropes on the board to save from cliffs, 

clenching that chalk in my hand.

I thought my hands had touched it,

some big un-handcuffed love.

I thought my chalky trails were needed,

where I underlined the best,

where I preserved. 

I wiped it clean with my hands

but now the bits keep getting on the clothes,

around my sleeves, 

all over my lap.

But this is how the horror spreads, 

the memory in the creases

Days from 9/11

Days days of overwhelm at work and pushing hard and crashing at home.  getting sick.

Days of being so creeped out by the days gone by, so hurt and overwhelmed. and still disbelief.

but those little gapes getting smaller.  

But also bringing back Day of 9/11 and remembering.

family crisis violence

I went to see my dad's family this weekend.   i was almost in redding when i got the call from my little brother that my dad had pushed my brother, and about the fight, when my dad came home drunk.  and all the crap he said.  we stayed at a motel that night.  Me and my stepmom sat up in the motel talking about what to do next.  we made plans.  this was all so sobering to me.  i felt like this was so long time coming.   like i was seeing the Elephant in the room.  Everything in the corners come to the light.  and the weekend went on and the sadness and the pain.  and the garment of violence.  (and behold this garment that i've been attracting in guys) and then going back to normal the next day,  but my brothers staying in their rooms.  the acquardness, the eggshells.  

my stepmom making dinner and giving us ice cream.  no where else to go.  

and trying to talk to my dad the next day at the bar.  and him ignoring me, watching TV, and not talking to me, talking to the bartender girl.  Then my dad bringing up my college Graduation 4 years later again and how pissed he was that the speakers were anti-war, and me trying to tell him about the violent look in his face that day, and how he gets that way when he's drunk.  he didn't walk to talk about Friday.  but the way he kept talking to the bartender, blowing me off.  and realizing this is what always happens.  and how i attract this in guys, like you-know-who.  the discarding and disregard. ignoring me.  being in a fog, in another place.   i went in the bathroom and started sobbing.   he worked on my teeth again that day, trying to even out my teeth, and was drilling the top, and it hurt i didn't have  a shot, he got all hectic it felt like he was mad.  "You need a shot?" and grabbing the needle.  it was rough and all over the place.   when we were done he rushed out to go watch olympics with my brother and i left behind him.  and I started weeping, just weeping could barely drive to his house.  i cut it off and grabbed my stuff from the house and left, i just wanted to get out.  

Going down the 5 I started to cry again. i pulled over, it was a very breaking down cry.  it was not hysterical.  I was just sobbing.  

And then I relized later, that this was the first time I had wept over my dad.  and how important that that was, to weep over my father.  to feel it,  to have it all come up and mess with me and to be there with the same way it goes down, and to see the really ugly stuff, and to know it.

And I wept.  It was the first time I had ever

I wept over my dad.

  

rotten egg

i have been bitter tonight, last night.  after such a Godblowing moment last week.  as i wait, as my job is so hard.  as the guys seem to flicker.  i was so hard today, such a wall.

came home, came down.  cooked, watched olympics.

And then I found the little microcosmic culprit.

found a rotten egg in my bag.  from weeks ago.  that smell that I kept thinking I smelled.  "what stinks in here?"  and even after i did my huge clearing in my room, and I hired someone to help me, and we got rid of so much stuff and sorted and put things in cute ross bags.

there it was a rotten egg.

the things I thought were being born started to get stinky.

oh god!  root the stinky egg out of me.  take away the rotten egg!

it was all gross and stuck in the bag that i was about to take with me to Redding to see my dad.  Yeah!   i found the nasty thing.  and threw it away.

my. 

Milk Rivering out of the Hills

"What a Day!"

This is my mark. today on 8-8-8 about yesterday 8-7-8.  That God did a miracle last night.  

Hannah and I poured out our hopes and our realness and the stuff we found ourselves wondering and battling lately.   i decided not to go to the followup to the coarse.   and it was like god totally answered me.  This is what we read.

"What a day! 

Wine streaming off the mountains, milk rivering out of the hills, water flowing everywhere in Judal, A fountain out of God's Sactuary watering all of the parks and gardens!"

I felt such peace after deciding.  I had been trying to force it, I had been pursuing knowledge, but it was like from this deprived place.   We were talking about source...and the crazy way that Jesus makes us prepared and pulls us into light, and how any "art of" class is like a piece but it doesn't come along with the whole and whole readying and bringing together all.

"In those days, yes, at that very time when I put life back together again for Judal and Jerusalem."

SD

tonight i wanted to find 2 of my old San Domenico High School friends.  and i did. on myspace i finally found courtney, only through the music search in San Francisco, and Asmara in the Netherlands.  I wrote them , i listened to Courtney's voice.  her amazing voice.  and her pictures she looks older. of course.  i can''t believe i let 5 years go by.   I've been thinking so much about them, and I haven't reached out or looked in 5 years.  the last time i saw Asmara was right before I went to Italy in 03.

And I just started crying.  i picked up a San Domenico Reunion invite for the class above me.  These are girls I looked up to and loved so much in High School.  They are like at this root at me.  I adore them.  and tonight I remember this wound of some of my friends, how much I like adore them and how much our friendship kinda took off then didn't, and just left off, trickled off after high school.  I started to think about all the people I know now. and i love them so,  and how they didn't know me then and how in ways they don't know all these younger Molly things, these root things.

I have this very big wound for wanting to be seen and close to these friends from high school.  I was such fans of them.  and we were all really creative and crazy.    I went to an All Girl School that was small for high school.  it had these un

I am sad. I want so badly to have this connection still with some of the girls from my high school. 

all of a sudden i'm thinking of my sister and how I want to be close to her. all of a sudden I think of Cliff and how i loved him and how he got to be family for a time for me.  and god that hurts so bad.  i have so much yearning right now.

and how that whole thing was all ridiculous at the end and how it was all false.  and i don't know what to do with his cue showing up in the litte girl of me. 

A Quote by George MacDonald

To know a primrose is a higher thing than to know all the botany of it-just to know Christ is an infinitely higher thing than to know all theology, all that is said about his person, or babbled about his work."

Yeah George MacDonald.  Yeah to Colleen for putting this on her blog.

God please Rush in the stuck place of my talking.  like I think of how much I hide you Lord, like don'g talk much about your with let's say my sister, or certain people, like I will say little things but they are almost usually on the "cute" end.

Lord I'm so tired of saying cute little things about how much I love you, and etc.

I'm tired of only calling you "The Lord" and not saying "Jesus"

I'm tired of being split sometimes, of having whole little worlds where I carry on like you're not endearing everything that is growing so well in me.  as if you are not my everything of everything.  You are my rejoice of rejoice.

At Vintage away many times I sailed away as our Speaker was speaking.  All the Christian rhetoric, all the metaphors quasi relatable, quasi Grated and the metaphor of the race.  This tires me.  This sits on the wall and stares back at me.  And good stuff too. me in my head trying on parts feeling other garments worn.  

When as Always, a verse from the bible came up and took me.  It sprung up like  a tree like a Yes vein.  A verse  cradling everything both frail and beloved inside me.  The Joints in my spirit opening up a new shared frame.  A boat to sail in.  Words that keep propping up in my head.   already I remembered it as True.  how much scripture floats sometimes.

The verse from 1 Corinthians.  

"And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

From this winter all i got through, and how i stayed so long in the icky relationship.  But how god pulled me out of it.  Completely cut the bond.  And provided a way out so I can stand up under it.

like my very own tunnel way out of the harm's way.

Sunday.

I am starting to feel alive like I haven't before.

I think it was part sumayya part The Abbey part people coming up to me and saying they missed me and part the great long conversation and going about yesterday.

This is Molly trying to start writing again.  This is Molly sitting in the Capitola Book Cafe with Annie in my lap trying to sail a new shiny poem like a little boat before me.  This is Molly picking chocolate chips off Sumayya's muffins that tase like bananas a little bit.  This is Molly wanting to swim today.  

Saturday

All this opening,

I had the best day with Sumayya yesterday and hanging out with Kurt.

The day was knotted and tangled in the morning, felt all disjointed.  with missing other shoe, and missing my kickboe class, and losing the bloodwork form, then finding it, then not having my insurance card, then trying to get Sumayya down here and indecision.

Her caltrains left late and we weren't sure if she was going to make the Highway 17 express.

And kurt was coming over the hill too.  the day was overbearing

I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and I felt this strong sense of "go pray"  

I got in my room and began to pray and pray for the smoothness and the way of how Jesus "holds everything together in every way"

and from then on the day was so so smooth.

the timing was perfect and one thing turned to the next.

kurt and Sumayya and I all hung out and we got to the bus and the perfect time.

and we had the lovliest conversation, mourning our more artistic manic earlier years.  we had a moment of silence for it.  how our jobies keep us from some brink of those ridiculous all nighters streaming madness creative flow.  

we hung out at The Abbey--Vintage's Coffee shop now really open.

we hung out there for hours.  

the moral of the story is I had a healing day at vintage.  A really lovely day and passing and friends with my dear friend Sumayya hanging there with me.

Today

I would cup my hands around this day.  like a bowl that wasn't spilling.  like a bowl of water that was still.  

in reverse order:

Today I ambled down pacific to see 2 clients.  and i was feeling so right.  i was wearing my black dress and Oriental shirt with the red cuffs. 

I couldn't help feeling I was being brought along to something.

::

(and of course 3 run-ins that I had).

But I glided through,  there was not even alarm.

thankgoodness Josh called right then,  this good friend pointing back to the safe and good and yes.

::

we got set to print tomorrow, and the day was hainus in the morning.

then i went to my network chiropractor.  he touched my neck as he always does.  and with all my heave and panic in my body this time i felt this great opening, and for the next 2 hours I was so relaxed.

Seal

by Anne Sexton

I dreamt of a seal
with wide wings,
made of vineagar and little boys, sliding past the star motes,
up over the city of Frisco,
saying forgive me lord
for I have lived so little
I have need of night people.
I have need to see the bum dozing,
off on scag, the women in labor
pushing forth a pink head,
lord I need to fly I am sick of rocks and sea water, I need to
see the moon,
old gyrator,
old butter ball,
and the starts pinching each other
like children.
I want the prairie, the city, the mountain,
I am sick and tired of the rock off Frisco
with its bleating and cowing.
Lord, let me see Jesus before it's all over,
crawling up some mountain, reckless and outrageous,
calling out poems
as he lets out his blood.

throw away the book

well you say i ask the same questions well maybe i repeat myself from time to time.
father didn't you untie me? didn't you untie me Lord?

Joann and I just pulled everything off the shelves onto the ground. it started with ann sexton. why try to write anything after her? her nailing it. Joann threw the book across the room. then we threw all the poetry books on the ground. Then we got up to Mewithoutyou "torches together" "why tear out a page when you can throw away the book?" and pulled all my things off the shleves and threw them on the floor.

today was a wedding in a creek, it was so lovely. we sat on blankets.

this morning was a service about being Single.

about the gift that it is.

it is a gift that let's us do things we wouldn't if we were married. and it was about working with the hand you've been dealt. playing the best game. not looking at anyone else's cards.


"come quick! you light that knows no evening. come alone to the alone! for there are thousand half loves well worth leaving for to take your madness home, and you dance inside my chest where no one sees you but sometimes i see you!" Come rejoice the cleansing of my lips, rejoice the cleansing of my soul. you don't think i mean what i say, well i mean every word I say!" -mewithoutyou

Miss Molly myself

I have missed my little blog and my routine of writing.

I did this coarse in San Francisco with my sister, that she had done and raved about. it was all about communication and pleasure and honing in on what you want, and realizing what your "trip" is and being OK with it, not trying to change that.
I learned I have this worry trip. I have learned how to right away hear that little girl in me, and see myself freaked out, and know that i'm not to blame when i feel all is loss and all is my fault.

I have learned so so much about communication.

I was worried that it was going to be "new age" when I went, but I would say that it wasn't....but on some levels some of their postures on god and who we are didn't resonate with me.


but what the coarse did was give me this new freedom, and for male/female advocates they were very much fans of what i would say is more a biblical approach of Men stepping into their masculine and Women stepping into their feminine.
for men to step into their power and women to step into their desire.

i left the coarse feeling so excited about being ok with what i want, and that my desires/wantss are good, and I can trust them....
and so excited to go for what i want. i stepped out of the heaviness of this whole last couple of months. into this yes, being eager and excited about finding someone who wants to give me what i want, of someone that fulfills these things i like....


it like took me into this whole new dazzle place.


I was testing out continuing the coaching (phone conferences) with this center. and man, Oswald (my utmost for his highest) totally slammed me last night. i know what i need to do. i need to be obedient. in this case, I think even on a financial level I can't keep doing the calls, and it's just not quite my place. learning about living in my means and learning on just even on the steps for me.

it's so weird, i walk a line , we all walk a line of that way that God consecrates for us some things and not other things. and maybe it's ok for most to be doing most things, but that god sets us apart to be "peculiar people" like that Mute Math reggae vibe song, or like deuteronomy says. and some lands are not consecrated for me.

i had been feeling very indecisive about it.. very not sure, which i'm learning more and more is a sign that I shouldn't do something. i was going after information. but i'm getting more and more into looking for the big Yes and big wings GO from the lord and the the land and the situation.

so i know what to do about continuing with the program. but i'm still stoked that i did it. i'm still coming down off it.

monday

work is hard. i want to cry.
this is much.
i'm overwhelmed by everything.

the offness of this last week

Little moments keep trying to pop up
touches I once cherished. closeness that once was mine.

Love I had built from the rubble. walls I had sat on.
places that had consoled me.

But now everything has been ripped out of the ground.
The bulbs are dead.

the emotional landscape blank.

The memories stolen out of my pockets.
havoc in my land it doesn't hurt

There is a new weight and it's not glory.

hallelujah for KickBoe

Wow, I just did kickboe. It is my first time in 08. I haven't gone since last year, as I hurt my foot in January. But my foot is softer now, it's so much better, I still can't believe it, It got this way after people prayed and it was healed and I released the guy that tore me up, and I released him, when I let him go and that whole thing go. i still get affected (duh) and today was a day of shadows around my knees. like walking in grass, feeling light memories around my knees.

Kickboe. Kickboe! I used to do kickboe twice a week religiously. it kept me sharp and unstressed. I can't tell you how good I feel right now. and landed.
and gushy. it was hard, all the lounges, my body was week but something so much remembered deep inside and wanted, wanted so badly to be pounding the punching the way we went. to be going and going in it.
to be leaning and kicking in so many holding agonizing ways. yes.

waking up

I woke up sad this morning.
I had a bad dream.

Since I've come home it's been hard,
I feel the grossness of it all in my throat.

Michigan

I have come home.

I spent my time eating carrots with ranch dip and watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and sitting around in Living Rooms and watching people remember. I came from a land of lightning and thunder storms, a land I vaguely remember from 88 my last time in a Michigan summer.  How cool to walk outside and it be raining and warm, raining suddenly hard.   I came from a land of mini-mall and sticky outdoors.

from my land of aunts and uncles and cousins and new kids.  of people with 2-story homes and garages and airconditioning.

flying into Michigan, there were so few lights, so few places or bridges or lights--no lights flooding, no scattered buildings.  blank plots.  I was laughing. "where are all the people at?"  And even driving around Michigan, so much space and trees and grass.  I missed the California Chaos.

 And when I drove to Indiana.  oh my gosh there is something missing that I have spattered all around me in California and driving to Indiana.  

I made it through with my ipod and U2 and David's Mix.

I want to run

I want to hide

I want to tear down the walls

That hold me inside

I want to reach out

And touch the flame

Where the streets have no name

I want to to feel sunlight on my face.  

Se that dust cloud disappear without a trace

I want to take shelter from the poision rain

Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name

We're still building

then burning down love, burning down love

And when I go there

i go there with you

(it's all I can do)

The cities a flood

And our love turns to rust

We're beaten and blown by the wind

Trampled into dust

I'll show you a place

High on a desert plain

Where the streets have no name   -U2

Coming home I've never been so excited to see San Jose, to see the crammed buildings and lights and big tall buildings to see the scramble of cars and happenings and goings.   I look around and I get the people, I get the clothes and the postures and the hats backwards and the guys with arms crossed and people walking.  I get my little neighborhood.  and the sun this morning!

cousins

i'm in michigan with family.  it is familiar, i remember coming here when I was little.  it is weirdly familiar, in  a gross and beautiful way.

I'm with Ruby, my favorite family.  she's my cousin-once removed.  

She is doing homework.  sort of.  and i'm helping her.  sort of

i carry around frantic words dead coming off him.  everything dead-ends.

its a thing i had hoped to abandon, the despair of having someone I once believed-in not hear me, and disregard me, stepping on what I say.  The ache in the lies. 

the best thing

but the best thing, is that lo, I have a macbook.   of my dreams.  finally.  i am writing i will be writing.  finally i got my laptop.  i am actually catching up with technology.   

i can't believe this beautiful beautiful thing is on my desk.

molly x 4

what happens when you times molly by four, (too many stories in my head)
Too many things unfurled
i told him my stories.

What happens when you split.  Or when what you thought was real splits.  

i did this thing with my sister on the phone this morning called "withhold" where she pretends to be him and I say all the things I withheld. and whenever I run out or break down she says "Thank-you. Now what have you withheld?" I went over and over. And sobbing sometimes, and sometimes nothing more to say. I learned something. as much as i feel like i can't say things quite right (because he never hears me, he never receives what i say, he says over and over to me, You're wrong --basically.  But I said it, I said things through.  I said what I had to say, and I realized something, that sometimes that's enough, and i'll never be able to make anyone get it.

It's the same panic-ed places.  the same dispair, the same not being able to hold falseness.  the false things he tried to give me.

I realized I don't have to figure it out.  I don't have to figure out how to express it just right.  And I don't have to express it.

heal

Lord heal me.
Lord let me be heard.
thankyou for being true and real.

to think me and joann went out for Gin or brandy for my throat and sickness.
and we never go out like that, we always just revert to my bed and sit there mulling over the episodes and shoring out all the little details.

to think i wanted to leave the house because i had bought the detergent with Febreze, not thinking how it had been his detergent. and when I brought my clothes back in the room they smelled of him, reeking my room up with subtle memories.

I took all the clothes back out of my room and rewash them. to want to get out of my house.
to go with Joann to the red and run into his old friends' to find that he was downstairs. and he came up, and he looked at me as if i would be happy to see him. and i let it rip, and he was defensive.
and i'm tired, i'm tired of not being heard. i'm tired of not being received. i'm tired of him dismissing all my feelings, and all the details and his face not congruent. and his not getting it. and his lieing to me. and her coming up with her bags and sticking up like a mom.
and i sat down and he left. and i feel so much ache in the things unsaid, and the sloppy way it went, and that it got rough and my arms were up.

New Land

New Land.
Saved.
Delivered.

Clearing.

released it.
my body feels totally cleared.
i feel back.
I am back in myself.
I am saved from destruction.

Jesus you are crazy.
You didn't want me to veer back or hold on or be fuzzy about thinking that my relationship was "ok" or even blessed.
You saved me from destruction.

You did not want me to be associated with,

I haave always been attracted to abusive realtionships, manipulative, controlling.

You are wanting me out of that. "get out of that"
you are wanting me to be free.

total shock

so Clifford eloped with his girlfriend. i feel so betrayed. none of this matches up, especially with what he was saying to me, over and over that he wanted to be with me. God is protecting me from destruction. God is saving me. This is horrible.
But i had talked a good solid talk with Lee on Sunday, he was affirming me, reminding me that no-one should talk to me like that. it was so grounding. somehow i needed a man, to tell me, someone protective and safe and good like Lee. he heeard that rebecca said Clff proposed --we didn't know what to believe.
but he helped me start to process. i covered my notebook with sticky notes that night. places i had felt wronged. places i was confused and hurt. then i even talked to Cliff, and he said "ill call you tomorrow" he had proposed, he didn't tell me. he was marrying her. he didn't tell his dad. help me lord. the lord is seperating m. i realize how much i played with fire, endangered myself by being with him. i had that sinking feeling the whole time. this is a trip. God is like "NO NO NO!" the way i'm atttracted to dark guys who are abusive on some levels to me. how we battled, how manipulative. it's all clear. i don't know how someone can do this. this is screwed up. Everything I gave to this guy is lost. i had been until now, upholding him in my mind. holding up a "Glass house of Love" remembering Jesus walking into our relationship and how things broke but how things were mended, and remembering and what we shared and relishing it, being grateful for him, praying, even praying for his relationship with his Dad, and praying isaiah 11 into his spirit. gosh all this stuff.
but now i feel so taken advantaged of. i feel misled. i feel his intentions with me were not good, there was something hungry and something taking. and something rough. i always felt we were "bruisy"
The glass house is shattered. everything in the dark has been revealed. i mourn losing the person i thought he was.


In my last post I was just catching up to understand what happened. it was so much more agonizing then. i was so unclear.. i was still trying to believe in his good or have compassion for his weakness. I was in the middle. but now, though it's more surreal. i feel cut. it's done. i have been saved. everything is revealed. can't do anything about it. so there is new freedome. being unhooked. i thought in that post "maybe he is like a wolf, and i was deceived." but now i'm confirmed. i was deceived somewhere. and maybe he is just totally confused but i think he knows what he's doing. i think he would know how this would affect me. i think he remembers what he said to me, and promises he made. and he said he respected me, he totally does not have any thought for me or the girl. he is not thinking about others. i am trying to make sense of things and it is horrifying to have this be done to me. why why? why would he do this?

so angry

I feel like the sky is falling. Terror and betrayal ripping through my sky. i've been living in dusk, holding space for a man who was playing me. craters are falling as i hear more and more of what he shared with another person. This was the most unthoughtful thing. Now the lights have been turned on. Now I can leave and leave the stories and the agony. I've been trying to be there, trying to remember, and make nods, and salute. I've been praying and trying to support. I feel like my leg was just ripped off.
Oh My Theme song comes back:
Catch for Us the Foxes, the Little foxes that ruin our Vineyard, our vineyard that is in bloom.
If he had meant what he said he felt, if he was true and stable through and through he would not have done this to me.
I have taken off the lamb mask to find the wolf, I have found the robber in my own territory, the very man I once thought I belonged to

Monday

I am so tired, and my heart hurts. and some days like this morning I am just sad.
the thing in my heart torn. a sense of despair in the things out of my hands. I have had such a lift these last couple of weeks. a sense of finding safe pasture again. but this morning there is that throb.

I am tired of working, of holding it all up week after week. of having no days off. I want to throw myself on the floor.
I am tired of pushing.

Yeah for May

yeah for May
i'm so glad April is over.
and for Movement and rEpose.

Many good plans with many loves in my life. new friends and old becoming stronger.
sending off packages. going to michigan and plans.

tired and working hard. nonstop feeling.

Gave my new friend my blog address.
there is always a bit of embarassment or worry when I let a new pair of eyes into my blog. as i write through all my little lands.
and this blog could also be a bit of a time capsule, if someone reads this later and where my heart has been. the cadaver.
o my, i keep laying out my heart and picking it back up.
days of trying to meet and trying to be felt.
nights of staying up till 2 in the morning and praying.
ramona vespers.

days of making new rooms.
mornings of being tired.

so good

thank you Lord for being so good. what a glorious talk yesterday, and I am remembering "when two are more are gathered." thankyou for your body, thankyou for touching us. it was so precious to talk and feel you and be in the kevod.

A new thing is happening and I am looking at you.
I cannot dwell in this sorrow anymore. i need to arrange my life to be safe and be away from harm right now, and though it is mostly in my imagination, i am going to take a bit of a retreat. I am going to move away from the places that ding my heart.
It's like i'm learning this way I need to cling to you Lord, because when i get caught up in all the confusion of the situation i feel just so broken. But as I keep to You, I'm starting to feel a new freedom. Basically I'm still so sad, and when I focus on it or the situation, my heart is torn apart. I have felt my heart torn, just torn, I have felt so much heart ache.
But as i talk to you more and more I feel you holding me and renewing something that has sunk in me. You make me lie down in safe pasture.

"He makes me lie down in safe pasture,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul."

Oh Lord You are marvelous! please help me not to be afraid, thankyou for carpeting the next step. please just help me with the next step.

The Encore

"It would be rash to say that there is any prayer which God never grants. But the strongest candidate is the prayer we might express in a single word 'encore.' And how should the Infinite repeat Himself? All space and time are too little for Him to utter Himself in them once.

And the joke, or tragedy, of it all is that these golden moments in the past, which are so tormenting if we erect them into a norm, are entirely nourishing, wholesome, and enchanting if we are content to accept them for what they are, for memories. Properly bedded down in a past which we do not miserably try to conjure back, they will send up exquisite growths. Leave the bulbs alone, and the new flowers will come up. Grub them up and hope, by fondling and sniffling, to get last year's blooms, and you will get nothing. 'Unless a seed die...' " -C.S. Lewis

Oh C.S. Lewis, thankyou.

Days

Today I feel hard.
Last night I prayed with Rae and Jo till 2 in the morning. We started at 10, so of course it went on in the night.
I was tired and I almost wanted to leave that night, but I needed so badly to pray. i stayed and we prayed and were laying there on the couch Yesterday I finally got the letter back. It was weird and a voice I had not heard before. I knew I was going to get a letter from him yesterday when I found the dandelions. Joann had put two dandelions on the window dash of my car. We had a lovely conversation that afternoon. I was tired all day and kinda not working, or at least not working hard. when she called me i was walking around downtown looking for a client of mine. we talked and shared. both of our jesses started coming in the picture. the heartache and the new movement and the conversations. gosh the weird ways we are still having conversations with our uprooted jesses. trying to nod and salute. stepping past our bounds, and doing it anyway. and returns. I have made wishes on dandelions in intense moments and they have to do with Cliff and the new spaces and the redemption of our relationship. when I got those dandelions on my car I knew I was going to get his letter.

the letter from cliff hurt a little bit. he just kept saying how he missed everyone, and missed santa cruz. and how when he cried as he was getting his wisdom teeth pulled he wished "one of you guys" were there.

maybe i am becoming a portal. and that is ok, that's kinda how it's been bringing him into this community.
and it's good hearing him talk about the bigger picture, about God and the negativity of the scene there, etc. I just miss being able to talk to him in a close way. i miss talking to him.

oh it's hard to find the new space, the new room with Cliff, how to be friends, how to remember the specialness, how to speak.

my heart is hurting again this morning. It really really aches.

let go

How do you let go of love?
what do you do with the worn and pink leash?

The one chewed on and stretched and marked with all the walks you took,
you and your companion

Lord can you be my keeper?
Can you keep my love?

I have a love that is sick and bedridden.
every afternoon the heaviness lifts
but places keep passing through me
that I want to touch like cloth.

as Annie said, (Sexton)
"Yet love enters my blood like an I.V., dripping in its little white moments."

a safe place

Thank-you blogger for being my safe-place. my other little internet places disrupt me, are making me anxious. all the friends and all the seeing, and being on the edge of knowing all that still goes down.

I have been down this week, but the Lord is breaking in. i went home for lunch yesterday and cried and cried, but then I sat and let the Lord just wrap me. He said something about being in the Safe place. that i'm in the safe place. and i"m so happy because I went to a prayer group on Sunday and the talk was on forgiveness. and all the heartache was flaming up. i'm feeling so much rejection and loss and being lost and being angry and like I have to let go now, I can't keep loving him as he's moving on and the girl keeps coming up and she was at Carmen's birthday party too in San Francisco last weekend. I was on the couch talking to the lovely british couple. I got up went to the bathroom, then she was in my seat on the couch talking to the same couple. and in the same way i feel she's replacing me in places that are not completely her place. or at least can't be as fully developed as my place, since she's the new-kid-on-the-block but it's like she's assuming this full position. and i don't get it and i want to jump off this wall i'm on again. so much dinging going on. and she keeps coming up in my face, and their relationship keeps being in my face. and i cannot put myself there. I cannot witness that. It is too unsafe. it is too heartbreaking. It is too surreal with him gone in the Navy. this complete seperation and she gets to be this thing that I was in this very nostalgic and dramatic, boyfriend-gone-in-military way.

At the prayer group, I forgave Cliff and I forgave her, I asked for forgiveness for harboring judgement and being mad.
and then we prayed for healing of my foot which has hurt so much, started right when Cliff and I broke up. like my life is falling apart. and my foot throbs along with the breaking. my foot started hurting more, and an intense heat came at the sole.
and then a woman walked up. she was bold and soft and speaking quietly a prayer language. and she could see where it was hurting in the arch. then she said the Lord wanted to bring water and asked if it was hot. "Yes, it just got really hot, yes it is inflamed and hot."
And then I felt water coming up. water and coolness and like thick water almost creamy feeling. It came up all the way to my ankle. It was like a little bath on my foot I couldn't believe it. and my foot still feels better, it feels really delicate, like really frail but it feels put together, it doesn't hurt. it doesn't hurt! it wants rest.

i am waiting. i am waiting to hear back. i sent the letter. and now i feel less longing and less displaced.

i watched the movies "Before Sunset" and "Before Sunrise" last weekend. So Amazing! with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. incredible. all dialogue and walking around Vienna. I watched in that order, backwards, which was perfect. what happens when you see someone you once loved so much years and years later. and how have you held that space for them the whole time. And how you get bitter, and how you stay same in the core but how you can't keep letting yourself love the same each time.

I am really feeling that way right now, like I cannot love like this again for even a couple more times, like something being taken away each time. I am 27. I loved someone really hard. I was with them for a long time. We were on the edge of big dreams. It was the first Christian relationship. We brought Jesus in. We got down on our hands and knees and we prayed and we made little tents and we pleaded with each other and we pleaded with the Lord and we wrestled and came forth and broke-down. There were fists in our hearts many many times. but there was also a holding. We rumbled many times but we also sat each other on Jesus' lap. We read 1 Corinthians 13 to each other. There was a knitting, I thought there wasn't, but there was and we loomed these gapping loops and the yarn was scratchy but we did make a snug garment as stretchy and warbly as it was.

We went in messed-up places but we'd eventually break everytime and the Lord's light would come blaring in. I went in dangerous places I feel trying to keep up. Trying to protect when I was shutdown and freaked-out myself. Trying to smooth the places but really just needing to faint.

...so what I"m saying is I feel like I can't keep loving like this again. I can't imagine doing this again with someone and losing them. And even though I'm the one that broke-up with him, it is still extremely painful. It is really really painful to be the one to have done that, to have made this choice, and it is very very painful to have them be gone. It is really really painful when they are moving on. It is something ripped out of me. like a tree.

in my neighborhood

i feel better after a bikeride. just looking around at my neighborhood makes me feel happy. makes me feel home in me.

I am going to Carmen's birthday party, i'm excited.

Umbrella

Powered by eSnips.com

Thank god for the rain

broken at the branches

I am heart-broken right now. I am having a hard week, the last couple days got better. Yesterday I went to acupuncture and in the little room with all the little needles, I just cried and cried. Now there's a little cave in my heart like I fell down into a new place of feeling, but there's a clearing. there's an opening.

oh man

Weird and fakeness. tangledness.
I had a good letting go at Good Friday last night, just kept crying then went to the cushions in front of the cross and put my face down in the cushion. it felt good to be nearer.

Then I received a weird email this morning and i'm disturbed.
Tomorrow is Easter is the end of my fast for Lent (of Alcohol) and since it's March 23rd, it would have been me and Cliff's 1 year. How powerful that it comes on Easter, the day of Rising. And of death and rebirth. I have praying for a kind of baptism in myself, and for me and Cliff's relationship--a washing-a renewal of the land I do feel a clearing around all of me.


but there are themes of fakeness around me

he's gone

This is so weird and I miss him so much. I want to write him! i feel so helpless, I don't know when he's going to write me. I want to be special in his life.

I have gotten all out of metaphor.
I am in such a place of loss and missing. I want to be with him, I want to share with him, I want to see him and hear what is happening. I want him to know that I want to get his letters, that I want to write back. (We kept going back and forth on that). I want to sit with him. I want to make him tea and be stoked to see him.

I don't think i've ever been in this space like i am right now. of just purely wanting to give to him.

And i know i may be in nostalgia,
that I may be forgetting all the hard stuff. But I tell you, what I feel right now is real. I know that I still hate the really distant places between us, they'd seem like the most of the times, or the scarry/worried places, when I was trying to trace his temper. I don't miss that stuff.
But I also know that before I was not really receiving him at all. that I was letting the mess happen to me, that I wanted to get out. the negative was like getting all inside me
But the simple way we came together. like in the hallway after his baptism and the hug.
Such equal refuge. such a tent.

I want to receive him, and I wish I had better tried to direct him in what I liked/didn't like, what I could take/couldn't take. if I had wanted to make it good with him. somewhere in the mix i think i got beyond overwhelmed and shutdown.

I care so much for him. I don't have answers anymore. I just miss him.

baptism

Death and rebirth, and watching Cliff get baptized yesterday, his last day before he leaves for the Navy.
Crying and crying in the second row. so happy and amazed and the whole focus was me, it was astounding. And even though it was an aquard thing Dan said "so then Molly dumped you..." Cliff looked over at me and shot me this big piercing look of love with a smile. He said my name "Molly Farrell"
and we had the best goodbye as i prayed for, went upstairs to use the bathroom and he was up there with Lee. Joann ducked in the bathroom behind me and Lee closed his office door behind Cliff and we ran to each other and held each other. He held me as he does in the best way and we just swayed there for a sec.
He buttoned my white shirt all tenderly like he does. I had my arms around his waist and he looked down at me and we gave each other the best hug.
and it was us again for a second, "how was it Cliff? was it good?"
"yes, it was."
and the sweetest moment with joann in the bathroom corridor, she had tears in her eyes too. "you look so changed, everytime I see you! youre posture keeps changing." she banged her fist in the air and we held this yes between us. Cliff nodding and gentle in his space.
and a couple more goodbyes kinda aquard with his new girlfriend and friends and like where do i put myself.
made sweet quick hugs, all lighthearted in the movement "Be good!" He said to me "I love you." like a friend that won't go away, like that's it, so very light.

When we were we

When we were we,
and I was sweet and you were dear,
You held me real,
“My Love!” came buoying
from our simplest shining,
to have each other back again,
we the same and found
and to be tight and here and very,
to have the greatness of your hand
making promises so plain,
making each other okay.

You got me
like a joy that was too big for you to hold,
so you could only give it back.
It was hard to say what it was
except that it was
something wonderful.

(This is from when I saw Cliffy on February 8th and this is the poem that made my softness known and told myself it back again. That day was so beautiful).

Vacation

Sometimes the best part of going somewhere is coming home.
went with Joann to Marin, to West Marin, to San Domenico, to Robinson park where I learned to ride my bike, to my favorite church, and all over the baby. All the little lands. All the memories coming around me. Going over the hill to Woodacre. Going to the lockers of my high school. Going to the little bridge by Madrone where I was convinced I was needed to help people, where I'd leave little packages for homeless people at age 7 of food and tell them to find me if they needed help.

I got sad and crumpled last night, with my foot throbbing again. So worrisome for the tromping I had done to it.

Coming back today is the best thing. I am also coming home to myself more and more everyday.

I am listening to Ryan Adams again, and I play the line over and over again "I'm getting really cold and I'm looking at you -- but you're not moving" and the dive of his voice comes into this place that I know inside. It like goes on a ride with me.


Mono took me home this morning down 280 and highway 17. Their slow then sudden guitar and movement apexes calmed my zigzaggy 17 ride. helped me go along slowly and feel covered.

Now it is raining hard so I didn't go the bank. I blow-dried my hair all the way and took pictures of my bangs and recent yellow streak in my hair. I heated up the vegetables that Sarah made and sent me home with, so cilantro-ey and soothing. I was so happy to find my leftovers I made from Friday, Mango-Chutney Chicken and Rice.
I had the best meal in my house being all rained-upon.

Mortar

I have made myself alone
as I said I would,
I have begun reading the unfinished books
as I said I would,
I have taken myself down from the push.
I have stopped writing little notes to myself
to find my way out.
I have said the words I always knew aloud,
I have taken them out of my purse.

I thought it would be plain.
I thought the dirt I could taste would be in my hand
to rub around,
to soil the depleted places.

But a whole patch was taken out from me.
A place with bricks and mortar
I made with my spit and hands,
and little walls we made and left.

I have not yet started running.
To my country I miss so,
to the plants where I know tall stalks could grow.

For it’s not the gaps I miss,
it’s the thick and holding walls.

I am drooping,
looking down at the petals.
the petals I knew.

my lovely vacation

how gorgeous and grand to be on vacation (my first vacation since I started Metro in July 06).
Staying in Santa Cruz, listening to my new ipod--the most up to date advanced thing I've ever had.

I am listening to Iron and Wine, I am at my desk.
I am relaxed. It's a fine morning.

Last night at Saturn

It was good to talk with him at Saturn, a good friend. Rob asked questions and called things out. Nailing it. A feeling of bringing things to light. getting it.
Looking at it from outside.
And more of me at peace.

Still I think on sweeter moments.

oh

oh sad and sad.
our special love.
no balloons or what to hold or what to let in air and where does it go...
couldn't i be sad but have the balloon still?
AT least now, i have this full love. and it's like a return. I really loved him at the core. i have a polaroid of me playing the piano and him on my side with a big lucky grin. He looks All stoked and dandy in a mischief kind of way.
it's a realy sweet photo.
I recently found a lift these last couple days. after crying myself through the weekend. feeling back in myself.
I even felt sort of ok these last couple days. but still everyday i have a landslide of remembering. And the moments recent that were so precious when we saw each other again.

And in Monday Poetry group another poem was born, and i like to hold on to it, like a like to hold on to that somewhere between us. and the life that we made for each other.

tonight watching the debates

tonight i watched the Democratic Presidential Debates at Bad Ass Coffee, since I don't have TV, I shared the couch with a couple of people who I think maybe live on the street, people who were more there to be out of the rain I think. We all got into it and I stood up a couple of times for a candidate I was less for before tonight.

There was a man playing the guitar and it was really hitting me, he was really good but I kept trying to tune him out so I could hear the back and forth from Clinton and Obama.

I got a piece of beef jerkey to hold me, as i ran from after work to watch it.

It was pouring outside. A man who volunteers for the Monterey Voting whoevers told me that they have more absantee ballots then ever before, already 50,000--when usually they get 35-40,000 top. He was very humble in spirit. He kept saying "They are so smart. They are both so smart." He saw Hilary in Salinas the week before, he said she had just so much energy. "She's like a force, you can't see it at all on the TV."
I just think it's so fascinating, this race. I love how much people are getting riled up. And how it seems none of us know what to expect.

Hilary kept nodding.
I realized, "wow, something is different about this." and it seemed to me, in the way the women do, like to be this kind of relating this. I think it's a talent we women got (i'm not trying to generalize but im speaking to a rhythm I see so hope you flow with me in this thought)....this talent for relating things, relaying things. So i dunno, but i just noticed it. she kept nodding, as if to say to Obama "I feel you." i liked it. it almost seemed to weaken her to me. but then i stood back and saw her giving him grace in this way, find chords with him.....i just found it to be interesting. i noticed it as different. feel free to comment...

taken away

like the whole patch is gone. all the wonderfulness.
I walked back and forth in the rain downtown today for work, i wanted to call him because that is what i used to do when i strolled....all the ways we worked on it, and made it, and came pressed and in better places. all the forgiveness and loving and praying....what is the point now? everything suddenly ended and stripped.
there is nothing to share! what?

today i am remembering.

there is still solace, and i feel allowed to be who i am again ..... and all the anxiety as stopped, but all the piles and mounds of wonderfulness and coming through for each other and building things together, even if we did smash each other's logo-lands down over and over again. we still liked rebuilding and playing and conquering each other. what do we throw away all each other's logos?

this was 3 am

I miss him.

cutting me off

I was visiting a client, talking to his partner/his wife, looking at the potential of running their ads for their upcoming art show. I was reccommending he run in February. I was just trying to explain it, work with them. He came from the back and cut me off, in this almost upset way. We ARE NOT going to place an ad, shooing me out. After I had gone around and looked at their cards like I always do and had told his wife how much i love their store, their cards, I had looked at all the beautiful trinkets.
I got in my car and just starting crying.

I'm tired of being so open with people, of putting myself out there as much. of trying to make things work. My trying to always be bright about it, and hopeful, and happy. of being NIce.
That reallp overwhelmed me today, I do so much of that kind of peacemaking, of negotiating. of "finding a possible solution" of being optimist.
i'm tired. I feel like I did that so much with C. open my heart and hold everything in this nice and positive way. and so many times it was like being shut out, of hitting this deeper displeasedness, this place subtley volatile, or not ok with me. and trying to find common space and smoothing the land, and trying to open the heavy gates alone. i want to be small right now.

I saw Cliff yesterday

It had been a week and we met at Fins to give our stuff back, to say goodbye.
A day where we were soft with each other.
The cacophonus noises were gone and the dense blankness was lifted. Where it was simply me and simply Cliff and simple love pouring inside each of us mutely. love and want and done and gone starting sentences and not finishing.

Cliff with small heaves saying word by word slowly. The Cleft of betrayal and bitterness on his chest--all over him. In his hands and what to do with it?

I kept bursting out in tears
trying to cup all the wound of it and lost love in my hands
“tell me, tell me.”
saying “I’m sorry” placing it there.

We had the long hug and another, and it was so familiar and good. good. Walking away wondering if we had dug in too much. but that is where we were at. in letting go. in still loving each other.

Lord come past me and before me.

Friday

Swelling and sadness.
everything sailed away.

What do I do with these tassels?
with everything I confided in him.

Lord you are the one in Love that can't be rendered.
You are the one in love that can't come to fruition.
You are the one in love that is broken.
You take all my sorrows. will you take my sorrows.

and what about the everything that can come back?

Give me something to mend.

I feel so helpless right now. there's nothing i can do to make things better...

the flowers

the flowers I gave Cliff on Friday are in full bloom now. They are so beautiful. they are this electric kind of pink. In the same way, my love for Cliff is in full bloom. Such a pure love has bloomed. Without all the crap and the expectations and the stuff, i sit here with joy for all he gave me. I am drinking the theraflu he got me when I was sick when we first got back together. I know why I loved him, and love him. It comes so good now without all the sickness.

Everything is different and it is so surreal, he won't talk to me and told me not to write him when i emailed him. ok.... he needs space. I am so scared for what he feels of me.

i am having so much feeling of unworth and my fault.
I was spiraling down yesterday....

it's better after i talked with my God Mom, i'm better and there's light. it's like a big oar we found Psalm 17 together, it is bringing me back to light and remembering I am the daughter of the Lord.

I am so sad for how things got messy. I think we were both forcing it. I remembering knowing weeks ago that I wasn't completely aligned in the light.

like works I was trying, I was trying.
He is totally gone and it is so weird.
I wish we hadn't skirted out the truth.

awful awful....

B just called and I prayed with her. i want to go back to you Lord with my thoughts.
I am remembering how in my Genesis class tonight the teacher broke down crying when he was talking about the yokes in these families.

and that it's true: we inherit yokes passed down through our families. We can't see them, they are behing our necks, and they control what we see, where we go, and what we believe. But we can break the yokes off. we can get to a point when we're so sick and and as disbled as we are we can take the yoke off.

I believe I have a yoke i want the Lord to show me.


....and I still don't know what to do with my love. these roses that are full blossomed and so pretty on the table.....where do i go, where do i rest my love for cliff? where do i send it?

and i feel so helpless right now because he's in all this pain and yet i caused it and i can't do anything and i feel helpless. and he's taken away.


We are given yokes but we are a

to my 07

the wonderful places that warmed me.

LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in--behind and before;

you have laid your hand on me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

if I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am wonderfully and fearfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

When I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139

today

I wish we could have rode each other like horses.  i wish we could get up and spur each other, let's go and ride.  i wish for the marvelous path. the very going path. i wish we had been able to bolt together.   to sustain.

it's like i don't even care about anything today.  

all the caring between us.  and all the preciousness. what to do with it?  not having to make anything of it anymore. oh gosh.  they are tied around my wrists. and they are good.  and how do i not wear it?  the very dear pieces.

i also do feel like i'm above water again. like i'm not sinking.  i also know and remember that with the wonderfulness, there was also the battle, and we both wore it.  the struck times trailed with me.  i was so worn.     

January 21

4 am

the whole messy thing streaking around me. i feel peace and i feel so so much sorrow. 

the whole thing aching and gone. i feel so unworthy i feel this strip on my heart pulled out.

and now i see how estranged we were.  he was feeling it coming, or feeling the offness, praying with the guys all these weeks, for  a month.  speaking his discomfort to them.  

i was speaking my discomfort to the women and praying.  were we both outside of truth?  was the house leaning this whole month?  were we holding on to the fixtures?  how sad and unmighty.   i had felt so much pressure, i had felt all this picking.  i thought he wasn't intuned with me.  but he was. and he wasn't sure either, and he was losing his go.    did we have let's go.  

i wish i had known that.  i think we were more the same place.  

i am wondering how far we left each other.  and so what were we sowing? what promises in the dirt?  what kind of vessels were we for each other.  

I remember when he came in my room in the morning and was all smiles and squeezed me and i was all out of it. he rubbing my back.  and it made me so happy even though i was grumpy.  his big face in my face.

Morning 

the awfulness.

 he is gone.  i keep remembering his arms around me.  how he'd lean and his hands around my neck.  how he'd hold me.  

it's like i'm alone on a stage with spotlights.  like the lighting in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  the bare rooms and the heavy spotlight and the bright light.  he's gone.  like i'm looking around the empty forrest and he's gone.  there is this settledness and there this horrible emptiness.

the loveliness gone.  him coming in sweetly with his overalls.  

i went on a drive last night and i kept coming back, i kept taking weird turns and there was nowhere that i wanted to go.  

Remember

Remembering some of the best last moments in 07.
There was my trip to see Sarah. The two of us at a surf dive bar down the street from her place. Sarah looking good on Ramona. "Come on Sarah!" and guys gathering around. But Ramona liked it too, her lights went on. And we got out of there, even though they wanted to go to breakfast. We ditched out in the car.


I think we had more fun taking pictures of us in Sarah's room.







the random roomate friend's. Sunday morning.

My Magnificent 08

Here comes 2008, I watch as it comes, it's gentle way. It's goodness, the new solidness. my wonderful friends, here a whole wall of them all twinkly with crowns on for the epiphany party. the year it comes up twinkling, rising in such hush. look at us here--it's like we're watching for it. but there is a glow in it, i put my hands around.
The day of Epiphany comes 13 days after Christmas, celebrating Jesus coming to the Gentiles.

I see 08 twinkling in the eyes of my friends here in this shot. There's something quiet to this start of the year, quiet and whole and blessed with the body of cuties and people who remain, who remian with me. and all the good little things we do, it's like this treasure chest I keep unpackaging.....

Dear 08,
Be my dearest way. Be like my Umbrella. your curved handle so easy and your big brim. Be like the Whole Package.
Be rest and be my somewhere solid.

Here we watch you come, it is like almost fun, and kinda neat and passing along together. Be as rad like my girl and our looks

be my sweetest surprise.
and Holy Batman! and
just plain good. and take me where you want to take me.







Oh 08 I'll take your little dinky light show any time. i like you with your little sparks and flickers. i like how you get to me. I much rather have your kup-pow then all that cleverness.
I wonder what comes next






be as lovely,
and as dear.
be my hero.

come with little donkey.
be my new found crown.