letting down

Sometimes I get sad. That memory comes back to me, for a while it was occupying my mind my body my disbelief. And i brought my story to practicum with the therapist and the 10 students. mostly i stared up at the ceiling, I was shaking, and I cried. I think it's been a long time since I've cried. people really held it with me, one guy was twitching. One guy said as people were saying "I long to have you with something better, you deserve better" (this is the same comment that everyone jumps into and i know this but this doesn't deal with the wreck and the pain and the mess put on my story) So one guy said "I feel like I want to defend her from these comments" and that wording felt so good. i think my pain has been like in "who will defend me?" "Who even knows this story up here?" That was such a tramatic thing that happened. sometimes i have flickers of scenes. in such disbelief at the face. and the face way back then and the things promised. And the face when it denied me and turned on me and argued and denied me.

And like this relief to think God that's what i want or that's what i'm left with, what i stand alone in: Who will defend me? And how it feels to have someone who said he would defend me do a thing to harm me, do a thing to leave me, and even in our last argument to have him watch me flitch around and to let me fall. right in front of him.

am i mad because he took responsibility for almost like no part? Probably partly but I'm also just still mad.

after sharing i feel small, and that feels good. i feel defenseless. i think i've blamed myself gone over and over the scenes and where i was wolfed. i mourn what i didn't say, but now i just mourn that that occured right in my story, the shame i feel like it was to give that back to me. The shame.

But now in a small way i feel like i walked myself away from the scene holding my own hand in a new way. just sad and with myself.

it still bothers me.

I am mad. There is nothing for me to do. But I'm mourning it. That was such a defying thing. such an undoing thing. such a slap in my face.

I care that that happened. Who else cares? Who else will care?

That was such a violent situation.

I had to funeral my whole conception of what that relationship was. How awful to tear out a page and discard. but flashbacks had come back to me, and I'd whince, feeling almost touched by the memory of what I thought was genuinely given to me, and how awful to run over me. How awful that I stayed. How mistrusting do i need to be now?

What was the mast of that which I gave?

What does it mean that my words were wasted? I am just starting to mourn that. not that I didn't do something write/say something write, but that I kept trying to defend and explain and prove myself to someone who kept denying me/anihilating me. Who maybe liked to watch me fall?

I am so moved my rilke. My dear Rilke, how you speak it, how you speak the Lord.

"I love you, gentlest of Ways,

who ripened us as we wrestled with you.

You the great homesikness we could never shake off,

you, the forest that always surrounded us,

you the song we sang in very silence,

your dark net threading through us"

...

I, 25

If I had grown you in some generous place--

if my hours had opened in ease--

I would make you a lavish banquet.

My hands wouldn't clutch at you like this,

so needy and tight."...

"I'm the one you's been asking you--

it hurts to ask--Who are you?

I am orphaned

each time the sun goes down.

I can feel cast out from everything

and even churches look like prisons.

That's when I want you--

you knower of my emptiness,

you unspeaking partner to my sorrow--

that's when I need you, God, like food...

II, 4

Yesterday October 13th....

What will this day bring? I began. Feeling a particular held drape to it.

Went to Pike's Place and took photos for a photjournal project me and my group are doing, on hunt for "genuine encounter" and I-Thou moments. We talked with the banjo player, I stood behind gasping children and an old man who was playing with the fish with them. And tall men in big orange trousers singing and throwing fish at each other. we talked with the girl in the cafe she was talking about race and growing up being mixed, and we talked about our project with her.

God it felt so good, the first time I had started a day like that in Seattle.

and the rain finally came that day.

And I kept remembering. Wow it was October 13 2002 I fell out of my Attic, i had my first cup of coffee then I was so amped I fell out of my attic hurrying my way down out of my room, missing the ladder. I was thinking about that as my fall. The beginning of a fall of that year.

Cutting my long hair, dating that guy where i felt hostage and isolated and doing things not me. And the years after of making my way back, the shattering that was. and eventually the surrounding that came with Jesus.

So that night I got fired from Zoka, the cafe. And I had felt it coming. The writing was on the wall and I was getting upset at how I was being treated. no one seeming to care about. Throwing me in on the job, needing to count my till within 15 min, everything messy in teh back they never had the penny rolls for instance so you'd look on the floor and find one sole used one and reuse it.

it was feeling hectic, and even at the meeting last week my manager was cussing and stuff. Something felt subtley violent about the whole thing. i didn't feel seen. yet i was proud. I work at Zoka! everyone knew and theirmouth would drop. YOu work at Zoka?

And a mile away, etc, the good music they played, the Smiths, MJ, Bon Iver. IT felt so much like the loRD gave it to me. but i was feeling stretched, not one day off this whole last month. iwas feeling the tension.

So another kind of fall.

Got fired. Came home cried went to CrossFit.

And 7 years ago i had my first cup of coffee and fellout of the attic. And 7 years ago i met Julia and I met Theresa, dear friends who have carried me, Julia who we reunited last year after so many years apart (And both had found JC in those missed years)

And then this year Julia had her baby, and I"m the God mom, and Theresa died, these two girls I met that same year I fell out of the attic.

This feels like a start to a new cycle. I can't believe still that I"m in SEattle. I have gotten my edgey black hoodie which i adore, with the zipper and the snaps. I got my jean denim levi jacket. I got my boots today that insole. its raining so hard today!

And i feel Theresa today in a pleasure way in her glad i got these boots, i keep seeing boots im imagining she had with little wool balls and on a string. She had so many good wool sweaters, she knew so well how to bundle. I feel her here more than anything. i'ts been so hard to be away and be dislocated. to be this island of molly no body knows much about me, i feel like there is so much it could fill a ship and the ship would sink. And i talk to my loved ones but they are all over there. And i am here. but today i felt theresa. i feel her knowing i am here, seeing me. I think she is the only one seeing me right now.

I thought yesterday october 13th, oh this is like a redemption, this is like the restore. Returning my boots to Macy's (ThankGod) and doing chores downtown and talking to Tibi on the phone about how I'm thinking of doing the Psych degree and her getting it. "yeah baby that is what you love" how all the time that's all we did me and Tibi talking and talking it out chewing it. ruminating it. following each other's heart trails , like sitting in the mud and possibility with each other

the lake

Jesus You are Lover. You are such a great lover.

To think you brought me to GreenLake, the Epic and emmense and glorious lake. I have never seen such a beautiful thing. I can't take my eyes off it when I go down, and it is just a block a way, and I can't turn away, like what people do at the ocean. Me I never could get into the ocean not sure why, I think it was too chaotic or cold or unpredicatable or clashing and turning over. But this lake is still. oh my god the L*Rd actually

You lead me beside quiet waters.

You restoreth my soul

doing this. a sanctuary. the best park i could dream of i could dream of. Walking around it and so many people of all nationalities and ages and strollers and rollerbladers and the water so still so still so still and dancing too light shimmering sparkling "how did I get here?" in my head, out of my wonder. and so much grass and trees. like my favorite park in Santa cruz where i would go and sit somedays even leave work in panic and walk accross the bridge, and the ducks were there. The ducks like my grammpa took me as a little thing and we'd feed the ducks. so ducks make me feel safe and like Santa Venetia and time with my grampa. So ducks are at this big open park by the lake and grass and big generous trees.

And I said to myself "this is what Heaven is like" and felt for the second time ever, ok the third to be specific, a real "kingdom of heaven is near" and touching of heavenly realm into earth. I could just feel it, Wow God Nature like this wonderful is going to be heaven, and heaven might just be here " a new heaven and a new earth" and the idea of god coming down here and garden restored. Well in this lake, by this lake I could feel Wow Nature is going to be in heaven, it's going to feel this good, it's going to feel so good. And how being by such a majesty thing makes reveals him. I don't think I've ever been taken like this.

This morning on my heart was Lord you are lover. You are lover.

Seattle

Wow. I am in Seattle. Living in Seattle hasn't fully sunk in, I suspect. The first week was overwhelm, Joann and I ventured in and out of the city, trips to Target, finding the grocery store was overwhelming. Then School, and orientation all day, and school by night. I remember sitting in Dan's Allendar class and he was going off and it was so crazy good and brilliant I couldn't quite take it all in. Anyway, I laughed really loud at one point (as I"m known to do) and then I looked around and it hit me, it hit me "wow No one knows my laugh here" and I felt so alone. 'Oh my gosh, nobody knows my laugh"

And it was so surreal, like everywhere i go like vintage and like my housemates and in any audience I will make my big laugh. It was stunning. absolutely no one knows my laugh.

and it was still

praise be

Last night the best night
Home in the kitchen, Liz getting her lesson plans ready for the week, Our macs side by side, me burning my driving music.
Tibi came home
And Lauryn's "To Zion" came on and we danced to it together, swinging our arms, reveling in the words:
Unsure of what the balance held
I touched my belly overwhelmed
By what I had been chosen to perform
But then an angel came one day
Told me to kneel down and pray
For unto me a man child would be born
But everybody told me to be smart
Look at your career they said,
"Lauryn, baby use your head"
But instead I chose to use my heart

Now the joy of my world is in Zion
Now the joy of my world is in Zion

How beautiful if nothing more
Than to wait at Zion's door
I've never been in love like this before
Now let me pray to keep you from
The perils that will surely come
See life for you my prince has just begun
And I thank you for choosing me
To come through unto life to be
A beautiful reflection of his grace
For I know that a gift so great"

So good, and words of coming into Zion. And wondering if God is taking me into his New Land, if this move and love and change is for coming to Zion. (Like my God mom once said earlier this year, in wonder if this would be the someday New Land)

So we were dancing.

Then amazingly, Tibi found a way to maybe work out the conflict with Liz. I had been praying this in the bathroom and in my house. Liz was almost to move out, and I was talking to them both one by one. I said to T "What if there was an option J" and a sweet "Oh yeahness" was coming to turn. Its like the whole situation was turning. So Liz might stay. I'm so happy.

And then Juan came over, Tibi and Juan and I made a video to The Fugees.

Then i went to bed, astounding night. I woke up happy lighter. Forgetting what day it was, then realizing Wow, THIS is the day.

Last days Santa Cruz

Friday:
My last day of work yesterday, finally the anxiety lifted and heart pains stopped.

Then fixing my car, fixing the top. How ironic the same day!

Ramona's--thats my car- Convertible Top fixed.
Freedom from jOb and freedom for my car!

Driving with the top down with Liz my new roomie down East Cliff. And the song Umbrella came on, a reMix. i love this song one of my favorites. A song from 07 that I loved. that always makes me feel so invincible and found and loved and like all things are possible.
It goes:
"That's when you need me there,
When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella"

Went to Crow's Nest. Had the best meal. Came home top down busting MJ, "Bad"
So happy with the top down!
feeling all so heroic.
stayed up with Liz dancing to hip-hop on her itunes. She has the best stuff. dream for my ipod.

Went to kickbo with Liz the next day and had the best morning at Walnut cafe after.


Rae
Had the funnest latest night with Rae. Came with anxiety and heart hurting, but brought tea Roibois Chai for her birthday. and chocolate mouse. Her brother Glen stood in the middle of the room and started ripping on the guitar. I picked up Sean's violin and started playing with Glen. It had been months since I played

Then Rae grabbed a book of Alice and Chains sheet music and we all played this dark beautiful song and Rae sang and I tried to keep up with the chords.

Then Rae and I stayed up till 2 am watching You tube music videos of Alice and Chains and Nirvana and 90s videos and clips of "My So Called Life".

Vintage
had a good good bye at vintage

my Podiatrist said it

I saw my podiatrist today, my original. Dr. Kraft, she is great, I really like her. She said something really good today. I hadn't seen her in months after going to another doctor who finally did the 4th and final procedure on my little toe. But now my other foot is hurting, and the other big toe nail was starting to hurt.
Anyway she fixed me up, and she was so excited about Seattle,
And she said "You know, sometimes if your heart strings are lit up..." and said something about when your heart is lit in what you're doing... and we were talking about how I want to help people to heal, but it's also when my heart strings are lit up that i can really help heal people.

And I thought that was so right. That was one of the best ways I've heard it said. somehow it was like a really big yes to me today about going. it was the simplest thing but it really cut and made succint the total yes for going now. And I told her about my stroke I had when i was little, and being paralyzed and all that craziness that feels like dream. but it was a happy quick telling, with astonishment felt on both sides. And "you have to go! see" words said

Garage Sale and a New Room

Yesterday I moved out of my Room. it's been chaotic, a game of magical Rooms with Alice taking my Room, me moving into the Study/Guest Room (for temporary) and the new girl Liz moving into Alice's room, and getting rid of all my big stuff, and going through the attic and pulling out all this stuff out of Attic I had never seen since I moved in and a Garage Sale.



Now I'm listening to Bridge Over Troubled Water on my little portable Record player (that I got in Seattle and brought home in my suitcase) it's orange.

What a swell of beauty and safeness and goodness last night
Alice moved into my room and amongst all HER boxes and she found Her simon and Garfunkel tape casette of Bridge over Troubled Water

"Bridge over troubled water
I would lay me down.
Sail on Silver Girl
Sail on By
Your time has come
to Shine
all your dreams are on your way.
See how they Shine --whoa
if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I would ease your mind
like a bridge over troubled water
I would ease your mind"

Oh Simon I love you in this Song.

And my memories almost seeping from the ceiling of something good memories and thoughts from listening to this album many times over years.

I feel so free right now. all my boxes around me in my study, organizing all my papers and photos in smaller and smaller boxes, finding scraps of paper, notes from gramma, notes from friends in camps, pictures of Molly in High School and plays with her long hair and Cowgirl hat on. Pictures of David and Sarah and barbies at Kresge

GARAGE SALE
What beautiful encounters yesterday. We met the nicest people at the Garage Sale. I thought all this would be sadder, but it's been like this unlifting, unpulling out of where I've lived for so many years.

There was
Philip
this nice guy with wild curly hair, almost bought my Technic Record player but we plugged it in and found it didn't work. Turned out his dad was a deacon, and he was best friends with Chris Durso since 4th grade, and we talked about Vintage he had never been yet. He was a linguistic major at UCSC a couple years ago. I told him about Mars Hill. He had studied Arabic. I showed him my Strong's Exhaustive Concordance, he had never seen it, we drooled over letters and the roots and the Hebrew. He was so nice!

Frederick
Frederick came near the end, a little bit older guy with his daughter, He was So nice, he was being the greatest daddy with his daughter. Really kind to her when he spoke and gracious and sweet. He bought my Mixer that people kept picking up and putting back b/c the Fader was broken. Finally "how about 10 bucks!" and he took it. We talked about DJing and he told me about this program. He said he would look at my orange Record player which plays all my records subtley fast.

The lady with the big red hair
she almost bought my Winter Wool Sweater from high school, the brown in the sweater looked so good, I brought her inside to look at the mirror. She said it wasn't "Her" and I knew what she meant. B/c I thought the same thing about it on me. It looked good, but wasn't quite right.

White
is your name? I asked her twice. she was Asian, "Im your new neighbor!" she told me. She was so nice. and Tibi asked her too when she introduced herself. "Like the color?" "Yes."
She was so nice introducing herself, almost like she was excited to meet us. She just moved in and no furniture. Bought my side tables and weird whicker little table. Her husband pulled up in a big "church of Korea" van to bring her money to buy all the little things. How cool, they must have a Church.

Forgiving in my Driveway

I posted a post about a month ago about how I wanted to forgive, and there my Ex K was across the Street, right there in front of my house, but I didn't want to cross the street. I wanted to be in a safe place, I wanted to be in my territory.

Well then today my Roomate's Car broke down, her radiator blasted, and there was mobile mechanic right there and he offered her to come and help. She called me "Girl, you won't believe this but Kido is here in the driveway fixing my car."

And so there we go, the LORD was ready and I was ready to forgive. This time he brought him right in my driveway.
I came home, Alice and I (she of course also freaked out b/c of her unfolding) we prayed we peereed out the Laundry room into the Driveway, not believing he was right there.

Then I went right out back and he was digging down in Tibi's Car. Tibi was on a lounge chair. Said Hi, he was buried under trunk. I gave Tibi a high Five. There was a slow nod, and like OK. Then as he was going to go get the right size cap, I said I want to talk to you and we went by his van. I said "I've been wanting to tell you, I forgive you. For everything you did and what happened" And he listened. And he said "Wow, that has really been a weight on me for the last years. I"ve been carrying that around"

Wow, that my unforgiveness was bearing on him. And we talked a bit, he told me how he changed how he's still clean and all, I heard that and took it with some grain, knowing even a bit from the last couple years through what happened with my friend. But I wanted to hear him, and hear him and his pride for being clean. Then I told him I found God. And the Grace I"ve experienced, and how recently I knew that after all the hard stuff that went down recently, and then what dramatic deliverence, and mostly for the Grace i've received, then how could i not forgive him. HOw I wanted to forgive him.
And I mentioned J. He said "Of course you neecd to find your spiritual thing thats so important" and that is what i almost always hear. So I said something about "Yes and for me the Jesus thing, is like when I"m so weak and so messed up, the cool thing about J is that he meets me where I"m at." That was the bit I told. It felt acquard but also OK.
Then shortly after we said "ok, bye" and I went back in.
I saw Hannah, it was her birthday we had Salad at the Pizza place, then I came back, I felt light in my back. I didn't feel freaked out or scarred. I do feel a little stimulated....but I feel even a little bit of "whatever" like its no big deal.

Giving Notice at my work

Today I gave notice at Metro, I quit my job!
OH my gosh, so huge. I was so overcome with worry and anxiety over how my boss would react. I was so scared she would be "mad" at me. That she would turn on me....all this stuff. My mind has been revving for months over this. And in a way, I've been like feeling so hidden about Seattle b/c I wasn't telling work. So I hadn't full decided in a way, as I was keeping it hush on the work front.
Anyway I told her, and it couldn't have gone better.
She listened to me, she heard me, she was surprised. She was super present. She was sad.

She said "Molly, You have been a rock here at the company. You have really contributed to the company." She was saying that very soundly and very much like she meant it. As if to really recognize that I was important and, wow that I really contributed to Metro. I'm so overwhelmed she said that. It felt so real and so "like her", like the Debra I know, who has mothered me and really been on my side. I got to really tell her about it. I got to talk about how I've outgrown Santa Cruz, how I"m grumpy in Santa Cruz. How I've prayed and meditated about it and the answer has been Yes. How this is a Faith thing.
She understand. We hugged twice. We said we were going to go get Tea, or go out to lunch.

It was soooo good, It couldn't have gone better.

Quitting my Job

Yesterday I almost gave notice. The day got so gnarl and busy it didn't happen. so it'll happen on Monday.
Wow.
The gears moving as this is all becoming real, I'm moving to Seattle. In about a month, to go back to school. But you know what? As worried as I've been about telling my boss, as I started to prepare, and write my letter, and write down the things I was going to say, I felt the Holy Spirit so strongly. I felt this happiness and readiness from God. And I felt such a Nod. I felt so much Jesus behind me. LIke he's been wanting this so badly too.
Yesterday morning as I was walking to work I saw Jesus on the ground laying in the gate, like the image of him as Good shephard. Lying in the gate. It flashed in my mind. Like that is how I found him. Like my taking this stop to quit my job that has been bugging me. And he knows and he is lying in the gate.

what

What if I'm losing all sugar?

What if I'm getting in bent shape?

What do I do with all my grumpiness and the stumps. how do I enjoy?

abcdefgihjklmnopqrstuvwcyz

God what if you don't want me to go now?

What if I'm to take my time.

What if I'm to save...

Forgiving from Across the Street

Today there is Sorrow. Telling people that I am leaving. That it is Yes with Seattle. Like a foreign block coming out of my mouth. Tibi is going through change in relationship. We are all heavy at 327, it means we will more than likely all leave. That I am that glue that holds this. Whow.

There is an ache in the middle of my solar plexis.

I decided to go to the beach. I went outside and heard "hello molly" it was my Ex from 2 times ago, the intense relationship that i finally forgave. (on Jourdan street).

And he is still there fixing someones car. Came back and there they still are tinkering across the street on the SUV. It is like a "oh man i need to leave town" but it is also relief. I don't feel overwhelmed. I don't feel freaked out. And I want to even go up to him and say "I forgive you"
i went to the beach and back, it was windy. Now i keeping going back to the kitchen and looking from the window, stunned that he's there.

I am learning about forgiveness. about a month ago c wrote me on facebook and said he was sorry and said I was right, and probably everything I could want to hear. it was gracious, and it was the person I knew. and it was weird to get. i had to totally detach in being from any pull towards thinking about all that that went down. I was so shocked for so long and my mind was so scrambled. I had finally gotten out of the haunting, and the sorrow and the anger.
I was scared to write back, feeling like my response was loaded. At what point I had wanted to be heard so much, I had wanted him to get it. And when I did get the email .... I was so far away from the stinging of it or tangling in it.

So it was just a good release.

but it did teach me about forgiveness, the way his saying i'm sorry was generous to me in a way I never thought I would be met or heard.

It was reconcile.

And I said "Whoa, Gods timing"

Note

Note Please see Old Posts....drafted posts finally posted....please read last handful.

Morning Recall

LORD You are worthy.

Ode

listening to Ode by Mono

Feeling tremendous sorrow and possibility.

Like I may go.

LoRD please open doors you want to door.

Please keep showing me.

I couldn't imagine having hold world New and different, how much I want that but how much that would hurt....

Oh Seattle

Seattle
Oh City outloud.
To say the thing outloud.
The frenzy I felt there. Like stagefright. Which I never get. in the beauty
and the horribleness of knowing I'm going there.

I went on a 5 mile bike ride with Isaac through Phinney Ridge to go play Softball.
I went up to bat, i'm not sure I've ever been up to bat. And after like handfuls of pitches I hit one.

OK.
My God!
its surreal, I don't know what it will all look like.
to untie myself.
To start over.

It was sitting in Dwight's office. in very comfy chairs. and there was a way that he asked me about my story and that he listened. And he even said a really good thing, wrapping everything I said well over my tension in leaving Metro and my job, he said something like
"I hope you find a way to give honor to who you are. . .to your story by finding the best way to transition into the next part of your story into who God would have you be."


It was much better than that....


Gosh, I am rusty and not poetical this morning. I dunno what to say.
Is anybody out there?

Theresa

Theresa died two nights ago. Her mom called me yesterday morning from Chicago: "You have a Guardian Angel Molly!" There had been the waiting these last two months. There had been the holding. There had been the grief, the almost sadness.
That morning getting ready for work I sat and prayed, I prayed for her, he rose in my mind thicker than most times, like syrup. I thought "Oh i never pray for Theresa. Theresa!" with a connection, with a deepness and more stillness than I usually ever can accomplish in the morning. Like finding her. Like having her there (just subtley but I'm trying to describe here)

And then I got the call at work that she died the night before in her Mom's arms. I strolled around behind LuLu's near the McPherson center in the litle patio area. And I wasn't talking like I usually do, with God, or with myself.

Rather, I was feeling something rise. i was seeing little starts of something in the back of my mind. I was being reassured. It was beautiful. There was a feeling of like "Wow, she's there. Almost like a belonging."

Big Gladness has been bubbling over with the weight too the weight off loss, but big yesness. all i can say is its very kingdom-come feeling.
And that night and next morning the music was holding me.
Music kept double taking me. Like a very obvious catching of my attention over and over again.


First at my desk at work:
Send me an angel
This morning
All this fleetwood mac.
Fleetwood mac I had never heard. Everything was in timing with me was holding what I was trying to do was, like the music was holding me up. telling me it was going to be Ok.

I was all frantic. I was all behind to mail my dad's bday gift, get to post office, go to longs, pick up my pants, go to the bank, with under hour to do it and go to airport.
But then Stevie Nix came on with "On the Edge of Seventeen" with that bad ass guitar charging with me in teh car.
The lyrics "Just like the one-winged dove --Sings a song --Sounds like she's singing-- Oooh oooh oooh baby"

Yes theresa, we went around Indianapolis blaring "Gypsy" and "Rhiannon" and listening to Fleetwood driving around parking lots in the thunder storm. On our way to see the movie Sex and the City. The songs then too were saying exactly what was happening. "it's like thunder and lightning" with huge lightning slashing the sky.

Visiting my Dad

Stories:

I can't believe I didn't tell this sooner. It flashed in my mind last night at BAAM like a minnow under water. The Good news about my visit to my Dad. I had been sharing the harder parts, the parts that hurt and made me clench. But then I remembered how God answered my Prayer in a little big way.

So I'm in my dad's chair, (he's a dentist in Redding) straight off the road Friday morning for the second part of my oral surgery invovling Root Canal. Last time he had Fox News Blaring, and said stuff that was a bit of a shmear to me, or put down to me. and the news was ugly, and my dad would get real real hectic. So this time (part 2 of Root Canal)
i'm clenching the chair, Fox News is on. And I'm praying. GoD! Please cover this! please cover my Dad! Please hold this together. Please protect me.

Then Suddenly my dad comes out from the back, he tells one of his assistant's to put the radio on. They put on XM Radio and it's all these lovely songs. its like a 70s folk channel maybe?

But 2 songs came on that were straight to me. JOhn Denver's "Country Roads, take me home"
comes on. This is the Song that we used to sing at Camp Tawonga when I worked there. (Camp Tawonga is a Jewish Camp in Yosemite that I worked at for a couple summers following in my bib sister's foot steps). And this is the song we rewrote for Camp Tawonga "Country Roads, take me home to the place I belong. Camp Tawonga- California! take me home you country road."
And it was like this song that flooded in my heart with a memory of being somewhere where I was at home and I was safe.

Then I couldn't believe another song that came on.

Morning has broked by Cat Stevens. This is the song that I used to listen over and over and over to as a Child. I always listened to this song, we had this album of Cat Stevens and it was like all we listened to, me a little 80s kiddie. Its so calming and collecting. This totally took me home
"Praise with Elation Praise every morning. God's recreation of the New day."

Coming back from Marin

Went back home to see my Mom and Sarah.

Came home the whole way crying.

My mom and I found all these letters from my Grampa's parents when they were dating from 1898 and 1900. Before there were phones or many cars. It is like reading their telephone conversations spiced out week to week.

I discovered they were adoringly in love! I had heard of how Victorian they were...My mom having met them much later in their lives. That may have been the case, but when they were young were they in deared to each other.

Letters of not wanting to wait to go ice skating together. (They loved to ice skate).

Letters of Clara being on the West Coast (teaching perhaps?) and Will having had given her a camera "that had seen the West Coast and Atlantic,,,that had traveled around so he was jokingly saying it would know the coast well).

Her being independent, working in chicago as a teacher.

And how beautifully he wrote.
How affectionately he wrote her.
Just like my grampa who wrote so so well, And we found his letters to my mom in the first years I was born. And all his letters would mention me, How is that Mollie. and he'd write my name with an ie sweetly.
"And that sweet Molly, I take it you have good care for her. And here is some allowance for Wendy" (my older sister)
And how sweet he was with my gramma, mentioning in almost letter how he was taking her around to get dolls, and how they got this great bargain on aShirley Temple doll. And how even though he loved trains, he would put her first and was all about driving her around to find her little old dolls....

How smitten he was with her.

And my mom and her parties, her parties in Ann Arbor with herscarf in her hair and her little black dresses. Then her boyfriend from Spain, and the Spainard family she visited. And her boyfriend from Turkey. And how beautiful she is and free.

How much she did what she wanted .

Oh MY

I loved Seattle. I loved Seattle so much. Oh my.

And Mars Hill. Oh my.
All weekend I kept putting my hand to my chest.
Holy.

One of the Professors Dwight spoke of the
innerpenetration of the text.


And Dan Allendar was talking about Culture:

To know a culture is to leave it. And to love a culture is to return to it.
And how you don't know home until you leave it.

And Culture as the Embedded Part of life we find our home in.
All language is a flight from reality. And language as hiding what it feels it cannot create.
So in a sense, all cultures defy the kingdom of God.
And the idea that eventually we will create a new dwelling for each other, a kingdom of God.

To be a kingdom culture.


And more:....
From my Mars Hill Notes:

I feel seen

"How do you engage with someone in a meaningful way"....


And at the Poetry Slam we went to...I kept feeling like
WHOA.
My POEMS are buried here.

(That is why they do not come up here? That is why I do not write?)

hello

This morning i awoke to my cell going off at 7 in the morning, Julia my dear friend was starting labor and jesse her husband was going to a physical test for becoming a police officer. her contractions were slow and spaced between but she wanted me to come. I was so honored. this morning I massaged her and rubbed her wrist and arm and she calmed down and soon fell asleep. her contractions went from 8 minutes in between to 20 minutes. I am Bella's God Mother it is amazing, and today she asked me to be there at the Labor.

So many things have occured these months. I am listening to Iron and Wine. I am trying to walk.
And i find the Lord saying Yes, where I turn down paths.

Work has been really hard, i have been doing ok, but really pushing it.
I don't like the person I become sometimes, with Molly so worn and frayed. I was really anxious in the beginning of the week, my heart racing at night. I had to take Gabba at night on monday and tuesday to bring down my panic me.

but later in the week got better, i had some cool stuff happen, and i felt happy towards the end of week. and i thought, Wow: I haven't been happy in so long. As i felt myself get excited one morning.

I am waiting for Julia's call to go to hospital, it could be tonight or tomorrow.

There are many things i'm deciding too. a lovely possibility of going back to school






Jesus Are you inside me?

1909

Today would be my Gramma's 100th birthday. My Gramma!! My loveliest gramma! My dearest gramma. I wish everyone knew her, she made me me. She held my hand a lot and rubbed my hand and really loved me.
She is such a sweetie, she was so melty about me and my mom.

I keep thinking about her, and just being amazed that she was born 100 years ago in 1909. She was a singer on the radio, when she was in her early twenties. when she was young her dad rode a buggy and owned a furniture store.

She is so big in my heart.

My post is brief because i am clunky in my writing. but my heart is in my Matriarchy, so happy I have my Mom and have my Gramma and the love that both of them spill. My gramma was the gushiest, that's for sure. . .

I love you Gramma!
Thankyou for being my source.

Whenever I see this certain kind of peach I think of her, the one that is fusia and comes from the edge of the sky that leaks when it is going down pastel. the hyper flash in the sky that pokes out

My blog will be changing

my blog will be changing name. It's time for a whole new land for me. Any suggestions on blog names?

Life at Metro

My new client is a shoe maker he makes custom orthotics and sends them to Germany to his master German arch-maker who can make the perfect sole with flexible heel and sturdy in-step. He is in his denim apron. "Do you want me to fix those straps on your briefcase?" My polkadot briefcase sits with both straps flopping out, broken from one side. "Yes!" I am elated to finally have my briefcase fixed. I am so bad at making things or fixing things and have let the straps be loose these last two months, constantly getting slammed in my boxy 80s Toyota cardoor and dragging about me.

Sitting with him I remember playing my 3/4 size violin, an 8 year old girl, in John Shriver the bookmaker's shop with leather hanging on every side and boots and thick leather garments for the Renaissance Fair and the smell of polish and musk and leather and loud clock ticking. My boe hitting floppy leather boots made for the next musketeers to take over the Fairfax theater. John the bootmaker playing viola across from my violin to carry my timing. We play in 4 x 4 time and already I want to speed up understanding a 3/4 rest...

Running to the other end of Pacifica to meet with Preeti at her Indian Emporium. My receptionist always smiles when she transfers her to my extension, it's always fun to say: "Pretty is on the phone!" And she has become one of my lovliest clients, grateful and kind and asking for my opinion. I take photos of saris and canopies and intricate carved boxes that smell like somewhere far away. I move the Ginesh statue around to set Swami Vivekenandi's Greatest Works upright and minimize the glare of his glossy rare book.

Melissa from Mantis Martial Art wants to keep her ad staright finishing the ad herself. She sends me new photo of her Kung Fu kids all in a line with their seamless punch. We celebrate the new Chinese Year of the Ox in his ad, tossing out 30% off a month pass. She finishes the ad herself to get the announcements in red balls balanced over black.

In the back of the Vet Clinic, Susan the office manager and Vet and I sit around their freshly made 1/4 page ad beaming. There is a dog under the desk and another in the corner with us in the back room. This ad is easy and fun with lots of white space with one sweet and lonely dog head-cocked pleading to take your Dog in for Dental Care in a nice helevetica font.

I grab photos of my favorite engagement ring for Stephan's fine jewelry with one headline guys will agree with "Nervous?" and reminding them that Stephan can help.

Establish around me Lord
Father

Father I need you

you who echoed over me yesterday