A Storm that won't quite Come

There is this huge storm that is upon Northern California. They keep talking about it on the News, showing the rivers rising, the water finding its way higher. It hasn't hit here yet, it's been due to, and due again, and due. "This is going to be big!" and yes, it rains hard, for about 2 hours, and then it's over. i love the rain. I want the day when it rains all day, Hard. but it comes and it goes in the Santa Cruz fashion. it can never commit. I just left Church, our church is on Sunday Evening. I started there feeling pretty squared away. And then, then it hit me as I listened to the sermon weave in and out about our expectations for the year. And I realized, that I have this dread. This dread about this year. I'm not excited at all. I'm fearful. I started to ask myself, "why?" "why am I not looking forward to this year? This last year has been a mix of good, really good, and bad. hard stuff lately, and hard pressure from working overtime, but also wonderfulness with discovering Christ this year, and feeling at home at home, and sharing with Tibisay, and also with Camille. there's been worry, worry, consuming worry, and there's been grace, and friends. There has been betrayal and bonding. HOnestly, i feel like I'm going to lose someone close to me. i have this feeling. I really hope i do not. i do not know how to pray to God over this. I don't want to lose my mom, or sister or friends, my dear sweet girls. I pray God protects my family. I have drawn closer to my Mom out of this dammage that all came down> I love her I don't want to lose her. Maybe I'm worried because things are relatively good, i'm at a good place in my life, and i'm scared that things could only get worse. I think my biggest fear is that people will leave me. This is my storm that won't quite come and show its self to me. Maybe I should just get down on my knees. I started weeping in church and i had to dismiss myself. but then i felt together again and came back. I'm trying so hard.