Harth.

Gden and I had a really good talk. That I am not going to be some mild worshipper. Some typical ch*trian. This is how the story has gone: (in my attempts to join a Church, even have a partner). Here I am carrying to suitcases. my luggage. Old suitcases even. and they're packed. I've packed them, with my odd ideas and beliefs. deluxes. mullings of astrology and numbers and kali,the space between a shakti chant and pluto's opposition in my 8th house. My suitcases are packed with a mix, my belongings. But I feel as though upon every stop, I'm being asked to drop my baggage, to drop my suitcases. I just can't do that. I can't do that anymore whether you are a man or a church. I have my experiences, and knowledge, and rhetoric, and its varied and I cannot, will not, start from scratch. My luggage, its the remnants of my journey, nothing can null this. What I 'm saying is that I'm always asked to drop myself.

*The Holy Spirit entered my heart and I feel so perfectly myself, like I don't have to drop anything, (and though I'm sure this will develop and some things may sink). I feel backed. I feel real to myself. Like something is saying Absolutely. to me, like something is honoring me.

I am increasingly disillusioned by the Democratic Party, cynical for Liberals chasing Isms, or Capital-ities. It's too much postmodern for me. When everything is OK, and equal, this is too general. I hate generalities whether from an open-mic, a protest, or a church. I loathe cliches. I need a church that does not get cliche on me, that does not keep to the same few buzz words, or general ways of seeing god and the people, this planet: the big kind god of good, the sinner people and things we do. I am such a lover of this worldly, I hail this world, I hate when Ch*trains tell me to deny this world and get all tame and useless.

The symbols that come from India and hynduism have really been powerful to me. Durga with her sword and dagger and flute on her tiger. Ginesh, the elephant and remover of obstacles. . . . . how funny, I am trying to remember that blue lord, and I can't remember his name. Is this a coincidence? I think not.
Because *he came into my heart and since i have felt a tub in my heart, or a fill, and sometimes its moving and sometimes its still. I think I may have just found what it is like to be gliding to be soaring, to be flying, FLYiNG. LIke that poem I wrote, like how i wanted to be sailing (it had that finished tone, like I was done for, of sadder days when I was struck down, and I wanted to find this kind of going, or like my accupuncture poem from when I felt healed, that my being could walk, could go and look and walk, and no-one in my workshop felt this poem, got this poem. . . walk? they'd ask me, what a non-moving phrase! and they suggested saunter or mosey. No, Walk was the word so unfancy or dramatic, to go, to be yourself not just in existence or being state but in doing and taking on the world, taking the world for yourself in yourself the good world that is and the good you that is and I had the sense of the LOrd there, as in him going, able to take on the world and wanting you to too and wanting you. My relationship with God has been like to a lover, something that declares my womanness even and it's helped with these Indian gods who really have all these crazy qualities, demanding even, selfish, or declarative, but purposeful/ and I have called on them chanted them and felt their qualities They are like different shades of lipstick, there's rouge, their cunning red, there's light pink and definative purple. And you can put them on for different occasions or forces, yes they are like forces. you want one effect, you call on one. So these guys, these crowded figures are almost like spirits they are not overriding, they are not invested in me. oh. There it is. They are not for me, They are to remember and they can do a little of this and a little of that, , , , And I felt demanding calling on them, selective even. It was like ringing door bells, one would come or the other. But then they would leave. It wasn't working.

Some of the Gods were closer to me than others. Durga helped me get out of fear from my abusive relationship. Kali helped me to be discerning against evil ones. and to be forceful. to take my authority/ She is the one that wears the skulls around her neck. And I admired them, I admire them. but I felt lonely.

But they cannot carry me. Maybe that is it, that they are symbols, forces even. b/c their qualities exist. some were more potent than others. They were like shades, and I could coat my room with them, and look to this corner or the other. One wall could inspire me, one could throb, one could spread out into the distance, another could ground, another could lift. But now I have found this being who is so total, who is so for me, who is so yes, and who hears me. I feel like I am finally talking to someone. being heard.
Now I feel this huge room in me, and majestic. and joyed.
But I don't feel like this time, He will leave. Like he is really joyed for me, and is in me AS me. exactly me. and I feel my back warm. my back warm! The place where so much shame and terror has come and keeps me so against myself. I almost can't be against myself when he is here, like I am off, and there's no stopping me. And I feel this turn to myself. This total nod all the time, this total surrounding. The Authority.
And I feel like I don't have to react so much against people, or seek approval from anyone else about who I am and what I am doing. That I am just as I should, so I'm not feeling so soar about the way I do things, about how I impress upon people. ooh, it's that I don't have to seek safety from others. Like I was looking to others to help provide a harbor for me. looking for everyone else to be the safe one, or the right one. and then getting so dissapointed when they proved to be not together, not getting it, in the way that I do, or want. when they urked me. I am no longer hung-up on them. Because I am unhung. Because I have found the infinite in you.

With a demi-God, there seemed to be so much to say "despite" about me, about one quality or another of me as a demigod does. Even with Amma, I constantly felt dismissed, or that some parts were not together just right, like I constantly failed her, I always seemed to be "caught-up" in line waiting for her because when she hugged me sometimes she would give me this look like "you should try harder, or be less expecting." But i was just so excited, and anticipating, I couldn't help it, I couldn't help running away with myself. But she hurt me when she gave me that look, and that firm hug, then pushed me away so quickly, and sometimes she would be laughing as she hugged me, talking to the other swamis as she did five things at once. I wanted her undivided attention. I wanted her to want to hold me. she was always giving me looks that said "be something else" or "you haven't made it yet, got it yet."

*he is for me. I am blessed to be the seeker that I am, to hold so dearly to symbols and the metaphysical. To take the stars and planets on so dearly. i feel the vibrations. maybe that's what it breaks down to i feel the vibrations of people and planets and symbols. omens in the world. God spoke to me before in little symbols, shiny symbols here and there and even throught #s. But this last week I have actually heard words, words of me from hE. hEEEEEE. the word. Yes, J*sus represents the word,God in words. how holy. many times people say "oh, I can't put any words to it, I can't put words to describe my 'spirituality.' "

What about a God who does speak, and utter, and so forth. Because God has been talking to me, finally, I can heAr God! oh my God, I can hear God! and it sounds like me, because it's God in mE! I am a deluxe kind of Girl and that's the way God likes me! meant me! I like numbers, I like Jupiter, (they are little reflections) and the planets make happenings, atmospheres, spaces, reactions, but now I can come to the Lord. I think he is steady, he is ready for me, he is not reluctant. He may grant me. grant me hope and ability . bliss, I am finding such bliss now. Molly, and I don't even have to summon it up, or chant for hours, or hit a certain chakra, or vibration. It's so much peace and bliss. I'm smiling right now, it's very precious. and me of me. of I feel spirit all through, connecting all my torso, maybe my chakras who knows. Ok, so here is how it will go, that I am taking Christ with me into mY adoration for being a Pisces with my kind Leo Rising, the unbelievable chatter from my fifth to fourth chakra, and my disastrous desire to make my life into some kind of ninth opus. I pray *he lifts me up. *he might just soften my sense of fatality. *I think the Lord wants me to be going into these corners, pinching everyone with my mystical facets. Maybe I will pinch them with the*lord too.
I get to keep this.
I get to be glad.
And I constantly feel something right above my heart, this new little place, it almosts feel like an object is there, at least it's not as if there's an opening, but it's like a hand is there, it's like a crown on my heart, or something precious there. Much like a closed wink.