October 1

This day hardly seems like much anymore. Today is the 13th anniversary since an event. an event when i almost died. an event that left me in a 5 day coma.
i used to really relish this day, and i still do. but the event is so long gone. so out of context. so much a part of me I know, but it's way down ther, and I can't articulate it. I tried to make this day special today. and it really was pretty random. but that's ok. I was in marin, with Sarah, with Sumayya, my two girls. sumayya had a hard time waking up as usual and i stressed about it as usual, trying to find just the right way to wake her up without being annoying. i made myself a great goulosh of eggs and potatos and it was very oily. I cleaned up well since this was the "estate." sumayya's new place next to Domincan College, a mansionesque kinda place with 12 roomates. Sarah was already at the house by the time Sumayya woke up with her board on the car and ready to ge to Pacifica to surf. WE came along and sat at the far end of the beach on the railing. It was soggy and cold and I had my new boots on so didn't feel the need to stomp all over the beach. we tried to keep our eyes on Sarah but she was just another little black body with a yellow surfboard. we played the game of "Where is SArah" for an hour. but we saw her first wave which she catched. and carved into it with muscle, and i was like "damn" seeing how much more she held it then last time I saw her surf in pacifica. that time she was just beginning. she ripped the tag of her bodysuit and stood up for a moment on her shortboard. she was born to surf and anyone who knows her should know this.
Anyone who knows me should know that this is my time of year. anyone who knows me knows how I like to recluse in the fall. anyone who knows me knos how i like to get into the rain. anyone who knows me might know that times like these I mumble the words as i type, as i type right now i speak them into being.
recently a weird situation occured. i was going to a charismatic church just a group meeting in houses actually. many intense and special things happened. and the pastor had a little bit of a superstar personality, but the meat of God still showed up and I tried to see past that personality thing. And B and A came with me the last time. we prayed that the real spirit would be revealed. that the tree would show for the fruit. and surely it was the weirdest night, bare almost, with the girls my age that i like not there. and the elevator worship music going a little two long. and division and chaos. and a weird pressure. and false statement made at the end by him. showing just how no it was. and i prayed more all that week and God just made it very clear for me, it was not for me to be involved with anymore. and a filfty spirit of attack back towards me. him attacking myfirends for thier spirit of restistnece, as if he can just really know everything there is to know about the holy spirit. and he wasn't listening to me, and he asked me questions that put me in a corner, made me feel less. and that is just wrong. that is not speaking to me out of love