restlessness. Come pace in this post.

I was restless today, as with the new shape of our family, with inlaws and grown-up, slightly deeparted, we now go to my sister's inlaw's house. So our Thanksgiving Dinner is due at 6. I was so restless, nearing stir-crazy in my house, trying to ready Borges, to read Thomas, even Frank O'Hara, and the bible. Trying to find an adequate online Hebrew concordance. Trying to better understand the word cut. to cut a covenant. I have found something beyond with this etymology..... More on this when my mind has gained some patince. Finally I am at Lu-Lu's and I actually found a free table, tucked in the back corner no less! ha!
I have been struggling with expressing my faith to others, especially those I relate to, the smart ones, the writers, the philosophers, the lived-in people.

And here we are these "Christians." We are believing people. We are in conversation with God. all these daggers. these sublte and flooring ways that God surrounds us and tells us exactly what to do. We follow not bcause we are being supressed by our religion, that we are being told what to do (I am adressing the Christians I know) Any man made rule is flimsy, and can only go so far. Man-made rules do not overturn people's behavior, they do not carve people out of their sad and done-for state, or change them 360. So we, we are adamant, we've received this full package by God. We are reborn.

I think where the "literary people" and the cynics get nervous about us is when it seems we've ceased to search for truth, and to question. We get so gung-ho about our superhero God, that we forget to show the parts of us that still may be trippin-out. cuz guess what, my bet is that even those parts of us that are trippin, may bein a dialogue with God. And that there will be a story there. So my christian gang, I encourage you to be weak. in fact, sharing these ways you are weak and wrestle will speak to others.

I love the stories in the Old Testament where a person is crying out. is crying out. is given-up. That's usually when God show up. to those self-hating, lowest, loser people.

I get tired of the Christian personality that is very brainy, that gets shooken up for the word "energy" or "emotions" for yes, there is an emphasis on "will" and making "decisions" and the brain, and so on and so on, and then you end up with these Christians who've stuffed their wounds and sadness and grief. And you can call out scripture and you can do all that and that is healing and good, but sometimes that is bandaging lots of emotions and let-downs and un-understanding. oh let it out! let it out and let God heal these parts! but it's so important to feel these things!

I am starting to notice that wounds really linger. AS years go by. i'm seeing lots of wounds that are still there! even for insignificant things, are things that happened when I was a teenager, and yet they stand there. my mind knows it's OK, and that I was almost a different person when these things occured, but still they sit in me. I am working on healing. and this week i think i will be challenged, this is a sort of sad time for me classically. i don't want to feed into that. so i'm watching where i go.

This morning I woke up feeling far from God. not really having much unhurried time with God this last week. When I woke, my heart felt dry. LIke my whole being was crying for God, like a whimpering dog. a whimpering dog.
So i went for God. OK, I can't hang like this anymore. I was pre-verbal and pre-thought, waking up early and grumpy and before my head had caught up to the day (plus being sick). So without full sentences, or much direction, what I said to God today was "God cleanse me." God cleanse me. Cleanse me.