fall

What happens when my pockets are empty.
when i put down the warm coal in the ruff and when i let go.

empty. and like the house disappeared. how vacant is this to say goodbye.
also i feel relief on the roof on the heart. and the horribleness.

The loss of the pebble that was building, tumbling, rolling, smoothing.
I don't feel the heights anymore, the vertigo, the shakey dock.

And I keep remembering this last weekend after church when it was all falling: His hands when he was leaning on the brick of the coffeeshop "Please!" and he really meant it. And all the swell of feeling and his sweetness so up and big like a mast and surrounding and for me.

Like he had me, was for me, my hands taken in--so there. His hands were around mine and squeezing my fingers. And I kept shaking my head and it is all surreal. no more do-overs or working the land. No more shaping these sweet ways. how horrible.
how surreal to drop.

I wanted to call him after I saw my sister, and Cat Power at the Filmore last night. I wanted his reassurance after such an aquard night. the new ways me and my sister move. Her calm and being, and present, -- my many words and probably too much smile when i first came off the road. she said i gave all these gestures of trying to prevent dissapointment, how it reminded her of what she used to do to try to take care of everyone else. I felt so dinged in my heart! I was just being my frazzled self, heightened from the road.

The whole night we talked about truth, how it is so crucial to be truthful and authentic. She is on a truth mission. I have been too these last weeks. but there was this emptiness between us. I think she is finding a new authentic self. I remember how she used to get so excited, and I guess much of that was her trying to take care of other people, a somewhat propped up disposition for others. And simultaneoulsy where was that warmness between us? That contagious spirit. I am happy for my sister's awakening, coming into her own. but in the night i wanted to share deeper. i wanted to get to the heart of things. we did in spurts, and then there was this gap. my words seemed lame all night, i kept losing my sentences. I was trying to truthfully respond, and listen to her. She said it seemed I was "trying to figure things out" i remembered my overdoing as usual.

so this new space. it is very surreal. there is peace and there is lost.