the tundra

Last night I came home.
A lumpy package from my Mom, with batteries and the missing remote control, and a note referring to the street in Michigan I learned was named after my family name. There is a street in Michigan called Passolt Street. Named after my family.

"AUNT KATE--YOUR NAME SAKE WAS A PASSOLT--YOU HAVE A STREET NAMED AFTER YOU! (sort of)"

Because I'm named after my mom's great aunt kate, and that is the name of the street in Michigan. Opening it was like this nod to me, to who i am, to where i come from. I was so happy, this note from my mom. In her typical all caps writing, just one note.

The icky still in my throat and being. The places cut off. the places inauthentic. the displeasure swallowing me. and holding.

crazy that that night i broke up with Cliff, that i was firm, that i said it all, the hopelessness, all this stuff wearing me. that i couldn't do it anymore.

but out of the tundra out of the hell of bakersfield he was crying, then he started speaking into who i am. speaking all these things he always knew. the positive things i had been doing, what i couldn't see. "Can I ask you questions?" pleading like on the edge. "OK!" and we started talking about God. and he started asking me all these hefty questions, the spirit in his voice of wanting to know.

it was so surreal that night. Then we had the most life-affirming conversation i've had with him.

There were lots of a'has. Lots of nods. There was agreement. And he came back, it was 3 in the morning. and he was pouring into me.

It's like i released it. like i let go of the cliff, and i fell, and a shorter cliff was at the bottom waiting. it is like mewithoutyou says, i threw away book and i found these buried pages. It's like I gave it up to God and it was given back to me.

And it feels like for the first time a real rebuilding. like we could make a new house. "Do you want to plant a tree?" he asked. and ever since the best days. there is this softness. a heart of flesh. there is this new posture. new being.
and wholeness. This is seriously ridiculous.

I had told God a couple months ago in July that I wanted to find the treasures. And it feels like that, this hidden treasure.
and i am still scared but i know that it was like a whole new package delivered.
And it sounds like Brand New.