he's gone

This is so weird and I miss him so much. I want to write him! i feel so helpless, I don't know when he's going to write me. I want to be special in his life.

I have gotten all out of metaphor.
I am in such a place of loss and missing. I want to be with him, I want to share with him, I want to see him and hear what is happening. I want him to know that I want to get his letters, that I want to write back. (We kept going back and forth on that). I want to sit with him. I want to make him tea and be stoked to see him.

I don't think i've ever been in this space like i am right now. of just purely wanting to give to him.

And i know i may be in nostalgia,
that I may be forgetting all the hard stuff. But I tell you, what I feel right now is real. I know that I still hate the really distant places between us, they'd seem like the most of the times, or the scarry/worried places, when I was trying to trace his temper. I don't miss that stuff.
But I also know that before I was not really receiving him at all. that I was letting the mess happen to me, that I wanted to get out. the negative was like getting all inside me
But the simple way we came together. like in the hallway after his baptism and the hug.
Such equal refuge. such a tent.

I want to receive him, and I wish I had better tried to direct him in what I liked/didn't like, what I could take/couldn't take. if I had wanted to make it good with him. somewhere in the mix i think i got beyond overwhelmed and shutdown.

I care so much for him. I don't have answers anymore. I just miss him.