God help me not to be self-absorbed.  It is a black hole.   Also in trying to do this new/old thing of going into academia, my mind and body and self feels like i'm in so many drawers trying to do somany things that i feel far away from God from you from simply thinking about you . praying out crying out.  there needs to be so much simultaneous focus and making things happen i am a big consumed by all that stuff and i don't like that self=absorption.

I just read a great meditation by good old Oswald, on when we witness to make it not about us.  that if we talk simply about the effect Christ had on us, that  he talks about that the Christian worker is the "go between" - "he or she [oh oswald get the she's in there] must be so identified with the Lord and the reality of his redemption that Christ can continually bring his creating life through him or her.  When we preach the historical facts of the life and death of our Lord as stated in the New Testament, our words are more sacred.  God uses these words, on the basis of his redemption, to create in something in those who listen which otherwise could not have been created.  if we simply preach the effects of his redemption in the human life instead of the revealed, divine truth regarding Jesus himself, the result is not new birth in those who listen.  The result is a refined religious life and the spirit cannot witness to it because such preaching is a realm other than his."

oh my gosh Lord,  I get it.  i have been doing that the whole time.  not that that is altogether wrong, but almost everytime my listeners focus on 'Me"  they say "oh that's lovely you had that happen, or tell me they admire my relationship with god, but they go"that's good for you"

And man, ive been shy just to say the basics of what Jesus did and offers, as if it would not sound relative or interesting.  but man, it's like the little capsule of life....and i remember before i was a christian when people would just plunk down there beliefs there was something totally alluring about it.  like when those people prayed in the odd "prayer mobile" old car parked on Pacific.  This was Molly pre-Jesus, but when they prayed to the holy spirit in the car i felt the kavod and the whole atmosphere in that car changed.

If I can write down my words.gods stories, the simply everything offering and say it.  i'm shy, and scared but it can''t be any worse than my own interpretations.  and with my roomate Tbs it gets hard and confrontational every time with back and forth of "That's what works for YOU molly, not everybody."  i think i have been overdoing interpreation and metaphor and trying to make my story their story..

god bring the new right moment.  help me be gobetween.