it all came out.

My mom came, and she told me the story. she told me of my past. of my father. i feel like i'm Cindy Bristow in Alias when she finds out the truth about her mother, when the character of her mother being the KGB agent and all the rest came out. I feel like the mask has come off my father, and the whole h, eartbreaking story. but strangely i feel freed now. i know. i know. and my suspicions, and my irritations with my father's behavior for my whole life, all add up. i get who this guy is now. and i don't need to try anymore, i don't need to blame myself: "he doesn't get me, he doesn't see me, if only i could show him . . , if only i could . . . ..." all this misjudment i have tried to repair,i can stop, i can stop. i think this may be the first time i have felt conviction.
my father since i remember has been hostile to me and my endeavors. he doesn't stand up for me, he always opposes me. and this last episode, this last breakdown crushed me. i was trying to prove myself and explain myself. and it felt like they, my dad and his family, were all mad at me. but now i know that the irritation does not come from me, but is from the disjunct in who i am and who my father is. my father is a disjunct. i cant believe i came from him. i can't believe my mom loved me so much, that i was no bad reminder of him and what he put her through. i can't believe my mom loved me so much. i can't believe, or now i can believe how much my father loathed me. i'm not getting into what i've learned. but here's one thing. it was my father who was trying to get my mom to have the abortion. it was my father who misled my mom. he used my mom. and etc. it gets bad. but wow. i just can't believe that my father is so messed up. he is so messed up.
i feel so much better, i don't need to look towards him.
i told my mom about my past, the relationship that. . with the guy who kept me hostage, no-name. and wouldn't let me go home for more than 5 minutes, and twisted my mind to think horrible things of myself, THE HORROR. i had been through it too exactly, my mom had too. she came down to santa cruz, she was late, she wounded up lost infront of El Palomar, I came, and we were walking arm and arm, i was feeling very strong and intense and beautiful, and we walked by him, by no-name right there, he looked immaciated and dark, maybe he's off the NA, or maybe in it. but he looked weak, and scared my me. i just stared at him, big eyes to sink him. he just kept looking forward. this time i was on top. last time i saw him, he was on top, in the car, he spotted me first anad said "don't ever forget my name!" thrusting in me this awful avenge. now i saw him. how ironic i saw him with my mom, after we told each other of these horrors. for the first time i felt somewhat ok. seeing that guy, not totally scared and pinned. i felt ok.