The Sequel to the Show Down

The day past after my confrontation, and for the whole day I couldn't shake that I didn't get to say the one important part (TO ME) the real truth, full truth to why I would not have a conversation with him. B/c in all my experience of him apologizing, he would make me feel very small. he would assume a position over me where I would end up with little to say, and the one apologizing. And for some reason it was important to me, and i went around wishing i had said this to this guy, as little as it seems. I sat with Hannah after work, we walked around, we got a taco, we sat and had coffee. me remorsing this little thread. we decided to write, "2 minutes" then share, but ended up writing for 45 minutes, i writing into the junk, tumbling my exhaustion out for this 3 year waining situation. And as we crossed the street, I was midsentence bringing up again how i wished i said that part, and there he was. in front of the roaster, and i went up to him, eager, "i was just talking about you" very myself and almost with a smile on my face, (like, I can handle this, like "ok let's do this") and even introduced the guy to hannah and they shook hands. She went inside. And I told him, i told him that last part. And he offered again to talk to me, and i refused again. and I wont get into the all details, but i said that little bit, how whenever he apologized I'd feel small. When I walked away inside Hannah hugged me, we coarsed all around the avenue using the back alley ways to not run into him, but this time I was not scared. we were just thick in our reveling conversation. She saw that when he was talking to me he was very seated. he was humble and he was taking in what i said. "That was 3 years ago, he pushed it as the past" but at one point he said "your feelings are valid" and though I kept it inside my little heart breathed. I was myself. I was just talking to him, I have woven in a saffe memory, an natural interaction, a unfolding calm moment with this hikedup hurling shadow. I feel so good today, I feel the worse chunk gone. I feel so less scared and threatened. i feel it is going to be OK, i feel the end of an era just occured. And how good god Gave me the chance to express the small thing of me feeling small. God gave me just one m ore interaction to speak into the past, to name. There is more work, I know and more healing, but I feel the bullets drop from the loaded gun in my back, in otherwords the disarm.