The taqueria downtown

The run-in replays over and over in my mind. I had an appointment at 2 with Katie, to go over my little parable writing lesson for the kids at VFC. I got there at 2, ordered, turned towards the soda machine, and there he was. I sat in the corner, and katie came. He came up to me, we spoke more words then ever. than 03. I was shaking. I have made some steps of progress today. It wasn't as scarry as every other time. And Ironically, I just worked with a pastor in San jose on some of this stuff last night. Theophostic. And it was good, we took the long trail that my mind went and that christ showed and yep, all this childhood stuff and recent stuff, and the feelings came up, and i forgave my dad, i put it in a big pile and Brian (pastor) told me to do it, and i thought oh man this is too quick, so i muttered as much as i could about all the sadness and madness i felt and let down and this morning i felt the all of my chest really with space, really like so much junk gone. and we were on the tip of the boat and that was what Jesus finally told me at the end of our session. I heard the phrase "jump off the boat" and i knew there's this tendency for me to stay hostil on the boat with those i don't want to be going with and i just have to get off. as soon as i'm not dealing. like what am i searching for from this guy? here i am feeling bad that I didn't say more of my whys, why i won't sit and have an "adult conversation" why i'm so overwhelmed. its that he makes me feel so so small, even when he's apologizing in his high and mighty how good am i and knowing way. why am i trying to make him get it so badly? i took a good step today, i dindn't feel as disarmed or unsafe.
But here is what I did say, when I went back to where he was in the Taqueria, I said "What I was trying to express to you before [when i got in his face and pushed back] was that that relationship was very destructive to me." And that's all I could say, he tried again to tell me he'd talk to me, as he offered before. and I "I feel to overwhelmed by that, i'm not comfortable with that. You are the only person in the world who I can't even sit with or be around."