Crying

I was in The Ugly Mug earlier this evening staring at my laptop, couldn't come up with anything to write. .....
Went to church and it was gorgeous about how we need to forgive the church b/c it is full of people like us who make mistakes. and we need to forgive the church to heal the church. ... The song was so right. about I'm amazed by you, that you would like a person like me, that I, out of all the insignificant people would be your ransom......i'm trying to conjure the jist....... and it hit me. wow. for once i'm right in the right place. that this whole knowing of the guy has brought up such wide insecurities, all the ways i'm so-so.....all the ways i'm not all that,.....but this song in a weird backwards way made me go, "oh my gosh, at least i'm in the right place here, b/c i'm a loser. but that puts me in the right place with Christ. That I get to be all my unappealingself, and that's exactly what Christ died for, I'm just what christ wanted........ And it was when B put her hands behind me and just held me, she just holding me and was rubbing me. and really holding my back, and we were singing together, that I just began to cry. Because she had me so well, and I was like "Oh my God!" it's been so long that someone held me like that. and how much I want a real person to love me. And it's been so long. And I was crying. And her love was pouring out and I knew it was Christ's love, that's what I knew later. And also Wendy spotted me heading to the bathroom and caught up to me. She's my girl being my other March 13th babe, birthday baby like me. And she was so sassy her foofy skirt. And we had this little adamant adoration for each other moment, much more than usual. "Oh I love you Molly" and she looked at me like she found me. It wasn't a cute hangy phrase, but we spotted each other in this special way, and she was telling me so.
And later when I discovered the real dissapointing stuff about the boy and now it makes sense? ..... I went into the shower, and just lost it, crying crying out "Why won't they (as in he) give me a chance!" to God and to my own story, to the 25 year old Molly that gets it and is tired and is losing hope. and who gets so much hope each time. Who feels she gets him each time, who feels this connection, which turns out they don't? For once feeling like there was this sliver of a someone who I really really wanted, like a good man. like more than is usually extended. and you can try to make some "Moral of the Story" dear reader about them not sharing my faith, but i know this person was put in my path. And so it goes, but I feel much better after my shower. much better. in fact, i feel ok. I mean overall, it feels good to feel. like i haven't cared about something tangible, specific of mine in a while. Sure there's been my new faith and my friends. but that's all very la-di-da on one level. This spot of sweetness and sharing .... i mean that's how i was made to be. I just don't understand why there never seems to be that someone who's all about me. who I inspire.