The ridiculousness of trying to explain it

How do I express that this is really real?

I know this kind of faith could seem ludicrous. This is my conversation, my inner-wrestling with all the smart people I know, all the good people and conscious people, the lived people, where I am left so stumped or embarrassed or stuck in my own imagined, dead-alley ways. So I don't even try.
Any help, you who read my blog? I invite your blatant or messy truth.

I could say that I am deeply moved.
but those who know me know how moved I am by even Christmas Trees (see my last post).
I could say that I am moved in a different way, in my deepest way (but that may seem unquantitative to you).

I could say how the Word has reworked my soul, has broke into my heart and changed it, softened it. or how the Word is different than reading other texts of inspiration (but you would think of Tolstoy, once moved)....And you would scrutinize my heart-claim, calling me a Softie, and doubting the severeness of my so-called "prior-harshness," however tumultuous I testified about it.

I could say that there is a big difference with Jesus, that He is the one, the Savior, the King of Kings, the Host of Hosts, that he is God....and I could compare to my whole parade of Spiritual trials involved in: Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Mother Creator worship, pagan, and so-on, and then show how they fall short. Showing myself expertee of both sides.
But would that seem conclusive to you? Like I am all the more willing to believe in the supernatural? Would you think me a woman of easy-faith? and would you dismiss what I call a proved crashed-test faith as just an incessant tendency to believe or like the dramatic woo-woo? or a liking for surrender, I myself a Pisces.

I could tell you about the big changes that have occured, and how uncharacteristic they are for me, this once way free-spirit firl, whereas God has now given me conviction and boundaries, and a way out-of-the-harbor. And most of all the Fresh Spirit. But would you hear it as cheap redemption? A story like many whose lives are changed by the next intentional seminar.

I could speak the word from the bible and the promises but would it be extemporare to you? And in a way you couldn't hear it, it not being inside yet. Would you recurse at the "Absolute" vibe of them and think of the military.
I could speak how these words have matched what I needed to hear at just the right time and turned me around in all sorts of desparate or tender or selfish moments, but would you nod and remind me of Tolstoy again, your last moving read. And would you call me a Softie again/

I could speak about how I observe that Christ gives people strength when they can't do it, when they are too weak. The way grace gives strength to even those not seeking to be "spiritual", as much as are at there last rope, and how it saves. But then would you call it a crutch? The obvious next step post climax followed by weakness?