leaving it behind on Jordan Street

There has been 4 years amplified. the way shadows go. I used to stare at the thing (the ugly thing), trying to squint my eyes to see it differently, to become separate, to make it better. The problem was I was staring at the thing. The problem was I was trying to combat it by myself. And I couldn't make it better and I couldn't push it away.

But last night I forgave the lie. I have tried many times to forgive for this boulder, and part of the problem is I let it happen. And I felt taken into places where I never wanted to go. Last night I was standing on Jordan Street ready to try doing this "forgiveness thing" I've prayed to push out before. I started "Father, I forgive him for, for...." and began to try to reach, to look in the loaded places....when, almost like it was handed to me, placed in me by God, I spoke "I forgive him for the lies."
And I knew it was so. And there the thing went empty. And there it was empty and hallow. For the first time I saw it like that. And it wasn't even that the thing had become dead, or far-away, not even crossed-out or blemished out. The thing was just hallow and useless. The thing no longer had matter. like the whole thing was just punctured and there it was a deflated dead balloon. God was putting it in my soul that it was simply a lie.

Just a few weeks ago I felt as if I crossed the Jordan. I made a great arrival. I had finally gotten to my Gilgal (a town that means Full Circle) like the israelites. Huddled in Gilgal with God there in the tents, healing me. The last of the healing. The cicrumcision. The stuff being cut off.
So there I was on Jordan Street, just 3 blocks from where the reproach occured, (me then a 22 year old thing). And I did,
I said I refuse to walk into tomorrow with this thing in my heart. And I left it on Jordan Street.