Days

Today I feel hard.
Last night I prayed with Rae and Jo till 2 in the morning. We started at 10, so of course it went on in the night.
I was tired and I almost wanted to leave that night, but I needed so badly to pray. i stayed and we prayed and were laying there on the couch Yesterday I finally got the letter back. It was weird and a voice I had not heard before. I knew I was going to get a letter from him yesterday when I found the dandelions. Joann had put two dandelions on the window dash of my car. We had a lovely conversation that afternoon. I was tired all day and kinda not working, or at least not working hard. when she called me i was walking around downtown looking for a client of mine. we talked and shared. both of our jesses started coming in the picture. the heartache and the new movement and the conversations. gosh the weird ways we are still having conversations with our uprooted jesses. trying to nod and salute. stepping past our bounds, and doing it anyway. and returns. I have made wishes on dandelions in intense moments and they have to do with Cliff and the new spaces and the redemption of our relationship. when I got those dandelions on my car I knew I was going to get his letter.

the letter from cliff hurt a little bit. he just kept saying how he missed everyone, and missed santa cruz. and how when he cried as he was getting his wisdom teeth pulled he wished "one of you guys" were there.

maybe i am becoming a portal. and that is ok, that's kinda how it's been bringing him into this community.
and it's good hearing him talk about the bigger picture, about God and the negativity of the scene there, etc. I just miss being able to talk to him in a close way. i miss talking to him.

oh it's hard to find the new space, the new room with Cliff, how to be friends, how to remember the specialness, how to speak.

my heart is hurting again this morning. It really really aches.