a safe place

Thank-you blogger for being my safe-place. my other little internet places disrupt me, are making me anxious. all the friends and all the seeing, and being on the edge of knowing all that still goes down.

I have been down this week, but the Lord is breaking in. i went home for lunch yesterday and cried and cried, but then I sat and let the Lord just wrap me. He said something about being in the Safe place. that i'm in the safe place. and i"m so happy because I went to a prayer group on Sunday and the talk was on forgiveness. and all the heartache was flaming up. i'm feeling so much rejection and loss and being lost and being angry and like I have to let go now, I can't keep loving him as he's moving on and the girl keeps coming up and she was at Carmen's birthday party too in San Francisco last weekend. I was on the couch talking to the lovely british couple. I got up went to the bathroom, then she was in my seat on the couch talking to the same couple. and in the same way i feel she's replacing me in places that are not completely her place. or at least can't be as fully developed as my place, since she's the new-kid-on-the-block but it's like she's assuming this full position. and i don't get it and i want to jump off this wall i'm on again. so much dinging going on. and she keeps coming up in my face, and their relationship keeps being in my face. and i cannot put myself there. I cannot witness that. It is too unsafe. it is too heartbreaking. It is too surreal with him gone in the Navy. this complete seperation and she gets to be this thing that I was in this very nostalgic and dramatic, boyfriend-gone-in-military way.

At the prayer group, I forgave Cliff and I forgave her, I asked for forgiveness for harboring judgement and being mad.
and then we prayed for healing of my foot which has hurt so much, started right when Cliff and I broke up. like my life is falling apart. and my foot throbs along with the breaking. my foot started hurting more, and an intense heat came at the sole.
and then a woman walked up. she was bold and soft and speaking quietly a prayer language. and she could see where it was hurting in the arch. then she said the Lord wanted to bring water and asked if it was hot. "Yes, it just got really hot, yes it is inflamed and hot."
And then I felt water coming up. water and coolness and like thick water almost creamy feeling. It came up all the way to my ankle. It was like a little bath on my foot I couldn't believe it. and my foot still feels better, it feels really delicate, like really frail but it feels put together, it doesn't hurt. it doesn't hurt! it wants rest.

i am waiting. i am waiting to hear back. i sent the letter. and now i feel less longing and less displaced.

i watched the movies "Before Sunset" and "Before Sunrise" last weekend. So Amazing! with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. incredible. all dialogue and walking around Vienna. I watched in that order, backwards, which was perfect. what happens when you see someone you once loved so much years and years later. and how have you held that space for them the whole time. And how you get bitter, and how you stay same in the core but how you can't keep letting yourself love the same each time.

I am really feeling that way right now, like I cannot love like this again for even a couple more times, like something being taken away each time. I am 27. I loved someone really hard. I was with them for a long time. We were on the edge of big dreams. It was the first Christian relationship. We brought Jesus in. We got down on our hands and knees and we prayed and we made little tents and we pleaded with each other and we pleaded with the Lord and we wrestled and came forth and broke-down. There were fists in our hearts many many times. but there was also a holding. We rumbled many times but we also sat each other on Jesus' lap. We read 1 Corinthians 13 to each other. There was a knitting, I thought there wasn't, but there was and we loomed these gapping loops and the yarn was scratchy but we did make a snug garment as stretchy and warbly as it was.

We went in messed-up places but we'd eventually break everytime and the Lord's light would come blaring in. I went in dangerous places I feel trying to keep up. Trying to protect when I was shutdown and freaked-out myself. Trying to smooth the places but really just needing to faint.

...so what I"m saying is I feel like I can't keep loving like this again. I can't imagine doing this again with someone and losing them. And even though I'm the one that broke-up with him, it is still extremely painful. It is really really painful to be the one to have done that, to have made this choice, and it is very very painful to have them be gone. It is really really painful when they are moving on. It is something ripped out of me. like a tree.