heal

Lord heal me.
Lord let me be heard.
thankyou for being true and real.

to think me and joann went out for Gin or brandy for my throat and sickness.
and we never go out like that, we always just revert to my bed and sit there mulling over the episodes and shoring out all the little details.

to think i wanted to leave the house because i had bought the detergent with Febreze, not thinking how it had been his detergent. and when I brought my clothes back in the room they smelled of him, reeking my room up with subtle memories.

I took all the clothes back out of my room and rewash them. to want to get out of my house.
to go with Joann to the red and run into his old friends' to find that he was downstairs. and he came up, and he looked at me as if i would be happy to see him. and i let it rip, and he was defensive.
and i'm tired, i'm tired of not being heard. i'm tired of not being received. i'm tired of him dismissing all my feelings, and all the details and his face not congruent. and his not getting it. and his lieing to me. and her coming up with her bags and sticking up like a mom.
and i sat down and he left. and i feel so much ache in the things unsaid, and the sloppy way it went, and that it got rough and my arms were up.