total shock

so Clifford eloped with his girlfriend. i feel so betrayed. none of this matches up, especially with what he was saying to me, over and over that he wanted to be with me. God is protecting me from destruction. God is saving me. This is horrible.
But i had talked a good solid talk with Lee on Sunday, he was affirming me, reminding me that no-one should talk to me like that. it was so grounding. somehow i needed a man, to tell me, someone protective and safe and good like Lee. he heeard that rebecca said Clff proposed --we didn't know what to believe.
but he helped me start to process. i covered my notebook with sticky notes that night. places i had felt wronged. places i was confused and hurt. then i even talked to Cliff, and he said "ill call you tomorrow" he had proposed, he didn't tell me. he was marrying her. he didn't tell his dad. help me lord. the lord is seperating m. i realize how much i played with fire, endangered myself by being with him. i had that sinking feeling the whole time. this is a trip. God is like "NO NO NO!" the way i'm atttracted to dark guys who are abusive on some levels to me. how we battled, how manipulative. it's all clear. i don't know how someone can do this. this is screwed up. Everything I gave to this guy is lost. i had been until now, upholding him in my mind. holding up a "Glass house of Love" remembering Jesus walking into our relationship and how things broke but how things were mended, and remembering and what we shared and relishing it, being grateful for him, praying, even praying for his relationship with his Dad, and praying isaiah 11 into his spirit. gosh all this stuff.
but now i feel so taken advantaged of. i feel misled. i feel his intentions with me were not good, there was something hungry and something taking. and something rough. i always felt we were "bruisy"
The glass house is shattered. everything in the dark has been revealed. i mourn losing the person i thought he was.


In my last post I was just catching up to understand what happened. it was so much more agonizing then. i was so unclear.. i was still trying to believe in his good or have compassion for his weakness. I was in the middle. but now, though it's more surreal. i feel cut. it's done. i have been saved. everything is revealed. can't do anything about it. so there is new freedome. being unhooked. i thought in that post "maybe he is like a wolf, and i was deceived." but now i'm confirmed. i was deceived somewhere. and maybe he is just totally confused but i think he knows what he's doing. i think he would know how this would affect me. i think he remembers what he said to me, and promises he made. and he said he respected me, he totally does not have any thought for me or the girl. he is not thinking about others. i am trying to make sense of things and it is horrifying to have this be done to me. why why? why would he do this?