Scout

Lord how you always Scout out for me.
A sunken heart and small places inside all weekend. Pulling over on Locust Street (derailing the train) and saying "What is this, what is going on?" feeling like my boat is sinking.
uncovering the big foot that was making shadows on the wall. he was holding apapthy. and there was bummed-out. and the feeling of "I can't get it right for you." And there was rejection, the usual culprit.
And there were things I was holding. I am fumbling around for trust. having my back. meeting me halfway, feeling unsafe.....
I I want you to flush it out with me.
I ride all kind of ponies. do you know the color of one.
I want to be asked.
I want to be pried.
I want to make a vehicle with you.
I want to unpack beautiful places.
I don't want to hear about all the things I want to hear your heart.
I want to share my heart.


Lord you scout.
on Sunday the talk was on Balaam and the donkey. when the Angel of Lord was in the middle of the road. and it was the donkey that kindly knew to not go that way and shoved her rider to the side.
It was about the good donkey who heard the nudges. it is about the good way the angel of the Lord comes to us in our path and gently pushes us. not this way, thisaway.
And how the donkey can only follow.

I also am guilty of things. and i know my tone may get harsh. we are both sensitive and get bummed out when the other is bummed out. he thanked me for telling him that day that he was trying. for pointing out where he was trying. for thanking him. i didn't know he heard it at the time or it made a difference but it did. the recognition came at the end.

I keep hearing Rilke,
what if it were like we were in our very last room. like a hallway we had been running down until we find this room, and it is the very last room. (Rilke says "where the one guest is You." And somehow there is a party for You.

And sometimes it feels like it's beyond us. like we are plagued with such turmoil and it's not just coming from us.
this is Hard Land.