more

i feel so false, so unauthentic. i feel like i've been acting all puffed up and attituded, and smooth, when i'm not i'm not smooth i'm janky and i've been yanking and on some kick. ok, so it's not that it's fake or wrong, but on one level i'm just reacting, spinning out, acting all up in this homie way when theres some of that, but there's also a very small girl, or real person on a swing alone just sitting there.

i know god has brought me to this moment, i feel this is a very deliberate day, where god is crushing my wishes and wanting me to own up to a part of me thats been hurried about and ignored and muscled. but its not muscle it my arms flailing as if i had impact. i'm shouting about as if I have to be loud to reach others. i'm on my toes like i'm afraid i'm going to be passed by. passed by. as if i have to arrange my next step. as if i'm mighty. as if i was all that. as if people were really drawn for me for me, and not just the little funny way i freak out and get excited. i feel like people only like me bc i get all excited and enthustiastic and say these funny weird things. but how about people who just want to be in my company because i add to them or help them or the people who feel me. why am i so much on my sleeve? i think that people miss a lot of me. and its my own fault i go about carrying myself out like this spazzy yodeling, rappying funny girl.
any ps. no one needs to get alarmed by my blog, i can't even write right now, i haven't blogged for so long. and i'm super unmotivated right now and it will all be okat somepoint, i don't feel like tidying up this or making cool metaphors.
i really want to be slower with my words this week and softer as i am in my interactions. i really want to be soft on myelf and gentle on myself and ......

you know i think what it is is there's a girl in me that sometimes doesn't know what to say or how to follow or make a comeback. there is a very easygoing girl and she's getting lost in my trying, and my forcing it.