the worse day

Today I had the worse day. It is ironically the first year anniversary of my baptism.
And today was surreally devastating. I found out I didn't get the job at the middle school, where I really wanted to work. I also found out that my friend completely talked to the guy I've been really set on. she confirmed that he's not interested, but he was, and he misled me, and blah blah blah. and i guess he said i'm just really intense, and it's a little much. and looking back on this whole thing there's this familiar way that when i really go for something, and if i'm nervous i get more intense, i get all showey somehow. i act tough, when really i'm not. he said he's never met someone so argumentative. oh man! i thought i was just being sassy. and that comment in itself is not totally right, when i listen listen to this guy talk about himself and his grand stories which yes are grand but he's a little arrogant. and never did he ask about me. and how much did i try to offer myself, in a present and interested way to his deal. i was really stoked about this guy, a saucey christian for once, very close to God, almost legalistic, but absolutely engaged and fiesty. so now i know, it's not just a "he's just not that into you" but it's a pointblank no. and i guess he just hung out with me that one night because "i was giving him the eyes" but i give everybody the eyes, because my eyes just go there, and he had blue eyes that sort of caught upto mine. anyway. my crush is crushed. and i was really sent by this boy. i mean, i can't even tell you how i was impacted. by this guy at my church who i was very fond of. i feel like the dumbest thing on earth. and now that i told my boss i'm leaving she's being so intense and cold and cutoff from me, and the whole surrounding everywhere is making me so uncomfortable. and this whole recent crush thing has made me realize that there is a way i go where i get intense not just being molly but because i'm nervous and trying to force a connection with someone. and there is a mellow molly, that is almost as much as intense molly, and i tromp around as if i'm all ballsy and selfdeclared but mostly i'm a softie. i've been cuffing this edge i'm tired of it. i'm really tired of it. i am so uncomfortable right now. i just drove around in my convertable which helped. i had the top down, it was evening and the light was so nice. but then i just felt like being under my hood and covered so i put the top up.
it helped. oh man, i feel misplaced.