the flowers

the flowers I gave Cliff on Friday are in full bloom now. They are so beautiful. they are this electric kind of pink. In the same way, my love for Cliff is in full bloom. Such a pure love has bloomed. Without all the crap and the expectations and the stuff, i sit here with joy for all he gave me. I am drinking the theraflu he got me when I was sick when we first got back together. I know why I loved him, and love him. It comes so good now without all the sickness.

Everything is different and it is so surreal, he won't talk to me and told me not to write him when i emailed him. ok.... he needs space. I am so scared for what he feels of me.

i am having so much feeling of unworth and my fault.
I was spiraling down yesterday....

it's better after i talked with my God Mom, i'm better and there's light. it's like a big oar we found Psalm 17 together, it is bringing me back to light and remembering I am the daughter of the Lord.

I am so sad for how things got messy. I think we were both forcing it. I remembering knowing weeks ago that I wasn't completely aligned in the light.

like works I was trying, I was trying.
He is totally gone and it is so weird.
I wish we hadn't skirted out the truth.

awful awful....

B just called and I prayed with her. i want to go back to you Lord with my thoughts.
I am remembering how in my Genesis class tonight the teacher broke down crying when he was talking about the yokes in these families.

and that it's true: we inherit yokes passed down through our families. We can't see them, they are behing our necks, and they control what we see, where we go, and what we believe. But we can break the yokes off. we can get to a point when we're so sick and and as disbled as we are we can take the yoke off.

I believe I have a yoke i want the Lord to show me.


....and I still don't know what to do with my love. these roses that are full blossomed and so pretty on the table.....where do i go, where do i rest my love for cliff? where do i send it?

and i feel so helpless right now because he's in all this pain and yet i caused it and i can't do anything and i feel helpless. and he's taken away.


We are given yokes but we are a