January 21

4 am

the whole messy thing streaking around me. i feel peace and i feel so so much sorrow. 

the whole thing aching and gone. i feel so unworthy i feel this strip on my heart pulled out.

and now i see how estranged we were.  he was feeling it coming, or feeling the offness, praying with the guys all these weeks, for  a month.  speaking his discomfort to them.  

i was speaking my discomfort to the women and praying.  were we both outside of truth?  was the house leaning this whole month?  were we holding on to the fixtures?  how sad and unmighty.   i had felt so much pressure, i had felt all this picking.  i thought he wasn't intuned with me.  but he was. and he wasn't sure either, and he was losing his go.    did we have let's go.  

i wish i had known that.  i think we were more the same place.  

i am wondering how far we left each other.  and so what were we sowing? what promises in the dirt?  what kind of vessels were we for each other.  

I remember when he came in my room in the morning and was all smiles and squeezed me and i was all out of it. he rubbing my back.  and it made me so happy even though i was grumpy.  his big face in my face.

Morning 

the awfulness.

 he is gone.  i keep remembering his arms around me.  how he'd lean and his hands around my neck.  how he'd hold me.  

it's like i'm alone on a stage with spotlights.  like the lighting in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  the bare rooms and the heavy spotlight and the bright light.  he's gone.  like i'm looking around the empty forrest and he's gone.  there is this settledness and there this horrible emptiness.

the loveliness gone.  him coming in sweetly with his overalls.  

i went on a drive last night and i kept coming back, i kept taking weird turns and there was nowhere that i wanted to go.