I was visiting a client, talking to his partner/his wife, looking at the potential of running their ads for their upcoming art show. I was reccommending he run in February. I was just trying to explain it, work with them. He came from the back and cut me off, in this almost upset way. We ARE NOT going to place an ad, shooing me out. After I had gone around and looked at their cards like I always do and had told his wife how much i love their store, their cards, I had looked at all the beautiful trinkets.
I got in my car and just starting crying.
I'm tired of being so open with people, of putting myself out there as much. of trying to make things work. My trying to always be bright about it, and hopeful, and happy. of being NIce.
That reallp overwhelmed me today, I do so much of that kind of peacemaking, of negotiating. of "finding a possible solution" of being optimist.
i'm tired. I feel like I did that so much with C. open my heart and hold everything in this nice and positive way. and so many times it was like being shut out, of hitting this deeper displeasedness, this place subtley volatile, or not ok with me. and trying to find common space and smoothing the land, and trying to open the heavy gates alone. i want to be small right now.
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I wrote a four word letter,
With post-script in crooked lines,
"Tho I'd lived I'd never been alive."
You know who I am - you held my hem
As I traveled blind
Listening to a whispering in my ear,
Soft but getting stronger,
Telling me the only purpose of my being here
Is to stay a bit longer.
Stealing a bicycle chain,
As the handlebars crashed to the ground,
The back wheel detached from the frame,
It kept rolling, yeah, but aimlessly drifting around...
"But I'm so small I can barely be seen - how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes - they're small in size, but they see enormous things...
"Oh but I'm so afraid, and I'm set in my ways"
But he'll make the rabbits and rocks sing his praise.
"But I'm too tired, I won't last long."
No, he'll use the weak to overcome the strong!
Oh Molly, let's go down
Lets go down- won't you come on down?
Molly, baby, lets go down, down in the dirt by the river to pray...
Oh you will find joy again-
I know it.
I am so glad that you reached out a hand to me, invited me to walk down this road with you.
Your open heart is a good gift and something strong.
It seems like an open heart makes you vulnerable, doesn't it?
But I think God put it in you in a strong strong way-in a way undermines the closed hearts, and calls them out;
that reminds them to dance;
that says 'don't be afraid'
and
'I am your sister'.
Please keep the heart and hands open, my friend, and we will see what He puts in them.
When can you come for dinner again?
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