i suck

here i goofed it all up. i was way emotional for that phone call , which i'm sure he didn't like. but was i so bad? i mean i had an edge, and i said many things, in fact i wasn't just upset or whiny or mad, you couldn't classify me as any of these things. i was in disbelief, i was in shock. but i created shock. i'm so lame, why am i so lame? some would say "if he were into you he would have called or called after the fact" but i don't think so , i think i could have just totally loosed up this fragile thing, i think i smashed it. i wrote the day that i flipped out, on my wall, on the cardboard on my wall where i write things. i wrote "I had to smash it." and that's what happened in that moment. i had to go head into this terrible feeling that feeling of being stranded and confront him. i read it all wrong to mean he was totally dissing me when he was just spaced out. which is still not a good thing, but it was way less Deliberate than i thought. it's hard for me to tell if this was a God thing or not. i mean, he had a lot of the specific things i had prayed for. i would have been so willing to check things out with him, to try with this person though he was a little rough around the edges, but that didn't scare me. i scared him away! oh no i'm such a freak.
i bet he thinks i was assuming all this belonging, i think i was just as skeptical as he was, its just that that whole not calling thing really rubbed me the wrong way this time, really insulted me. i have learned to do those things one is supposed to do and wait.
when i look back on my first post, i see that I wrote about how i liked that "he was so there, when i turn around he's just there." and i got this in presence reassurance and support and backing. why did that all go away, so far away in the week that stretched? he went from warm and surrounding to cold, out , peace. he probably just got all into his thing, his work mode in san mateo where he works. but to me it speaks what Carey said on "Sex and the City" it said to me, once again, "he's just not that into you." and i tell you, i'm used to that, and it kinda sucks. it's this saggy useless undesirable blah feeling.
And why am i not demanding someone who is capable of responding? i don't need a four day delay, the president already did that last week. i need someone who just checks in. who has some window of remembering. but maybe i was, in fact i'm sure i was way too hard on him.