oh man

why do I go like this? how could they lavish such affection on me and then refrain for over a week in calling me. i called the d, and blew up, i knew i shouldn't have. but i had to, i had to when i came home on friday and saw again the no message, i was shocked. i felt like i was slapped in my face. i flipped out. so, so instead of waiting, and then saying something coy, or saying something cool, or acting like i never noticed (anything to give me the slightest gain in the situation) no instead of anything like that, i had to call, to get control of the situation, so i called him in my disbelief, told him how i wanted to throw up, told him how dare he lie to me, all this. (I don't usually do this kind of move, but it just rubbed me so wrong this time.)
he just sat there in disbelief, saying typical guy stuff, like "what?" and i know from his end i must look totally psycho, freaking out b/c he didn't call me for two days, though he said we would go out this weekend, so i took his word, but then he tells me, "we never made plans." so he's sitting there on the phone and i knew i had gone too far. here i was just weighing all these actions like they were signals, or power trips, when really they were just some forgetful dude-acts. how uncaring. everyday that goes by i feel that "I don't care about you" thing setting in or "you're worthless" and i vasillate between actually feeling that way to just total disgust for this person, to "oh, i guess i should expect this, that this is the game?!"
I later called him and left a calm message on his machine explaining that i reacted strongly, that i think it was inconsiderate for him not to call when he said he would call, but that the way i reacted was my stuff. He never returned my call, he probably will never call me. that would make me sad. but common', i'm not asking for much, just a call, at some point. i shouldn't have to be made to feel so unsure about anywhere we're at. i shouldn't have to sit here for plus seven days picking my nose and thinking i'm completely unnnecessary. and it blows my mind b/c he was just so serving me last weekend. he was on my beacon call, like i couldn't handle it. he was so there for me. and now he is out of range.

i still think that to anyone it would be a disrespect to do that, especially being that he was so into me last weekend, he lavished such affection and support. he seemed so down.
now he is showing that he's just not that into me. i abhor this message. i am tired of it. i get it all the time from people. i am losing patience. i want someone who is stoked for me. who shows up.
and gosh, who can blame me, that affection and sweetness reached me so deeply last weekend. all these banners lifted and i felt so doted on. i mean i kept my edge and my eye open but we got so into each other. . . .
???